Thursday, August 5, 2010

Dating, with sanity

Obnoxiously Picky or Simply Discriminating: Dating with Sanity

OK now, let's be real. If you want a relationship, you need a set of aesthetics or values that you absolutely want and/or absolutely don't want, in a person. Then you need to find someone that matches up to those valuations.

Of course they need to find you acceptable too, but that's a whole other article in itself. After all, here and now? This, is all about you.

The problem at this point is that for most people, you aren't going to find that person with those absolutely right requirements. And so typically, you just need to compromise. Some. Just compromise some. Not too much, because then what's the use at having considered all this in the first place? So feel free to compromise at least once in a while, but reasonably so.

So, how does one define compromise?

I would suggest you not go about defining it as one of my ex-wives did. In her view, first the other person was to compromise halfway. I was always amenable to this as it only seems fair that both people should compromise halfway.

Then it was her turn. She would compromise (maybe) halfway too, but she gauged things a bit differently than I. You see, she would compromise half of the way between the distance from wherever she was originating from in her view, just to where I had compromised to (which you may note, if you're paying close attention, is the actual half way point).

Which means that, in this oh so clever style of compromise, it requires one person to compromise in the very least, a full half of the situation, while the other would only have to compromise a quarter's worth. The odd thing about this, was that she really believed that she was compromising halfway. And typically, possibly because she was such a knock out, I didn't notice. Not at first anyway.

Now don't get me wrong, this is great style of compromise that is obviously quite good for one of the party's involved. It's just not really so great for the other person, or a long term relationship.

Back to the point. I look at it this way, I have my basics in what I want from someone. No, that's not quite right, I have a basic design in what I "need" from someone. The rest is all negotiable. I do want someone who is in good shape. I'd prefer someone whom I find attractive and has some inherent degree of caring about what she looks like. Someone, that is, who will at least make an attempt at it. But looks aren't the whole thing. Not by a long shot.

Preferably, she should also have a brain. A brain is good. Sexy, after all, comes, from the brain. I like sexy. In fact, I find that an absolutely, very positive trait in a woman.

However it is also important that she have it stocked with some actually interesting stuff. Sexy and all is fine and dandy, but you have to have something to talk about beyond, locking eyes, and heated moments.

Some street smarts are always a good thing, as is a strong (or any) personality. But not so "smart" or not so strong, to the point of it being "difficult" (read that, annoying) to get along with, well, not so good.

I mean, a "wiseguy" can be funny, but a constant "smart ass" is just a real pain in the same.

Most definitely she should like sex (as opposed to NOT liking it) or at very least have an interest in it and a desire of some sort to actually have it, at least once in a while. Or, possibly show a passing fancy toward it.

It would be very nice too if she were of a patient and understanding nature, with a good sense of humor, better yet, a great sense of humor; as that always comes in handy. Especially through the tough times and if you have ever been in a relationship with me, you'd understand. Not to mention that patience and understanding go along really quite well with sex, as the more patient and understanding the woman is, the better the chances are of actually culminating in our having sex together.

I do find it extremely very attractive when a person is able to have some degree of respect for their partner. I don't know, maybe its just me. Like in where they are not too ashamed or too shy to let others know about it? About what? About how they feel about you, without looking away, not acknowledging you, or out right denying knowing you. As well as being able to maintain that attitude over the long haul.

Let me take a moment to say a word or two about respect in a relationship. You could argue that one needs to deserve respect rather than just having it supplied, without any care or responsibility afforded to its being freely given. Especially when its obvious that they certainly don't deserve it. I have always thought that one needs to earn respect. I wholeheartedly agree on that.

I mean, one should never simply expect respect from people, but rather one should be deserving OF it. Then again, its nice if you just give someone the benefit of the doubt and give them the respect out of shear politeness, until they prove they don't deserve it, and not just assume that they don't deserve it, without giving them a chance to first prove your justification for your disdain.

Now on the other hand, some do take one's lack of expecting respect as a queue not to have any respect for them whatsoever. This is a quantifiable misapprehension about the significance of one not expecting something, but being therefore, deserving of it nonetheless.

Too many times I've seen where a couple loses respect for each other which pretty much heralds the end of what was once a marvelous relationship. So I do think that when one does this in a relationship, especially as a serial offender, it first and foremost at that point then becomes a personality failing within them self.

After all, if you don't respect someone, then what in the hell are you doing with them in the first place? Or at this point? So please, do you both a favor and Leave. Besides, and I can't say this in strong enough words, what does it say about you if you are with someone you have no respect for? So rather than just hate someone because you are too stupid to not be with them, simply bugger off. OK?

Another trait I most definitely do not want in someone is that of being a "workaholic". Or any kind of an "aholic" for that matter. Being rich is of course preferable. A "richaholic" sounds like a most perfect disease to me and I will need to look into a study of that somewhat further. Anyway it follows that workaholics can become rich. But I don't believe in pressing my luck either; so I think that being rich is not a requirement, merely a preference.

Regarding "workaholism" (or bi-polarism, manic/depression-ism, OCD-ism, or those extreme opposing dimensions of autism or of the coma bound), I do believe it to be fundamentally important not to attach myself to someone like that. If they are there, if it happens in your family, or to friends, then most definitely, you have a responsibility and hopefully a desire to care for and protect these loved ones.

In the end, on choosing who I want, I want someone who will Be There. Someone who is Interested in Being There For Me and who will Be There With Me. Someone who is, well, interested IN me. And for that matter I also greatly appreciate someone who doesn't look for any excuse to be interested in anything else, BUT me. Which isn't to say that I want all her attention, I just don't want her regularly seeking reasons to get, or be away from me. If you see what I mean.

And again, if that's the case, why would she be there, or remain there? Its weird, but people do, you know.

And so from those few, relatively benign points onward I do believe that a person is their own person. And that it is then that whoever they are individually makes them intriguing and likely worth being around.

Mostly in Life I've learned that I don't want to be around someone who makes my existence difficult. After all, your partner, a partner, any partner should be there at least in part, because they make and want to make, your life LESS difficult. Not more difficult as so typically seems to happen. Don't you think that sounds oh so very nice? Maybe even somewhat Appealing? Maybe like a LOT even, like very appealing?

So, I believe that by having a few basic ideas at hand and an open mind, with a penchant for compromise, you will very likely find that special person. A person with whom you will enter into a fair and loving relationship, leaving you both quite able and ready to enjoy not only just each other, but also the challenges to face you both ahead.

Hopefully, this person will be one who will make it all seem less complicated for you, at least in some ways. Or maybe in many ways, and you will both enjoy Life to the fullest, right there in the world alongside one another.

And a hot LBD (Little Black Dress) just wouldn't hurt none too much, either....

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