Walkabout Thoughts #88

Thoughts & Stream of Consciousness, rough and ready, from an award-winning filmmaker and author you’ve never heard of while walking off long Covid, and listening to podcasts…walk day Saturday June 22, 2024.

Weather for the day… nice day, starting out, 60°  overcast, cool with almost no breeze starting out, got back to home 61°.

Finishing up Pod Save America from the other day, Trump Loses It Over Fox News Poll

I would like to mention a post I’ve made online today about the presidential debate next week. Finally, they’re going to have a real debate. Like many of us, I’ve been sick of the Trump clown show. I want to see an actual presidential debate with grown-up men, sadly not women, as the case is this time.

On that note, we really need a woman president. The fact we haven’t done that yet is embarrassing. And no, we don’t need a conservative woman as president. They’ve shown to be just as much a nightmare, as the men. Especially when they’re working against the least best interest of women. This is so weird, but you toss religion into the mix and it makes more sense. It doesn't make sense, but it's comprehendible. 

But for some who say in foreseeing an actual debate and turning off the mics so manchild Trump can’t talk over Biden, and so on. They get I believe 90 seconds to respond but in being old, I believe they both need 30 more seconds. Stop trying to force what you want and work with what you have.

This debate format cuts Trump off at his knees in his clown show circus of needing an audience, which they won’t have, which they don’t need, while will not allow Trump to shine his insanity and immaturity. But it will give us somewhat of a substantive format for what a president is and should be.

We’re electing a POTUS, not a TV reality star. Which Trump eventually failed at, anyway. And so far, seems to be his encore. He thought he would just become POTUS in 2016 as his drop-down next adventure from reality TV, or something?

What people DON'T GET about criminal Donald Trump, a sex-abusing, pathological lying narcissist is the control he's exerted over others, esp., women, is exercised on OUR citizens & Others.
Like licking your neck & there's NOTHING you can do about it.
As he savors his control & your disgust.
He wants that to be propagated to as many as possible. It's sick, truly.
We've seen his behaviors as such with French Pres. picking "dandruff" from his shoulders.
Or holding a handshake too long, or pulling another national leader into him during a handshake.
It's a pathology that you do not feed. Electing him POTUS fed that, making all of us his victims. It's so clear from a psychological POV, it's disturbing.

People need to stop treating our government and elections as a game, or something they don’t have to care about. If you’re a US citizen, we’re talking about your life and that of others.

I voted in just about every election since I was 18, back in 1974? I went through much of my life though with a very cavalier attitude about elections and government. I slowly evolved and in my late 30s, I finally started paying attention. The problem was, I felt like I didn't understand what was going on. A good reason not to vote. But not a good reason to not take the time to find out, and vote. Yes, some of us are burdened in life. But we have to find out how to make time. Life's not easy if you live it correctly. It doesn't have to be impossible, but if it's too easy, you're not doing it right.

How? Aside from my studies and what I had previously learned in government, civics, world problems, and espionage, all from a factual point of view, through most of my life since high school, and understand, I refused to read fiction spy novels until I accepted that I was no longer going to go into that career, and that, that part of my life was over. That was fun. Sad one chapter of my life closed. But opened up a world of great novels. 

I read a lot of books, some of the best on the subjects, over my lifetime. I read books by leaders of international espionage organizations who retired and wrote books. That includes a former leader of the KGB. Former leaders of MI5 and MI6. . The latter of which is not known by those terms, domestically in their countries, or perhaps I should say professionally. But popularly in their countries and internationally and in the media and entertainment. Former leaders of the CIA, too. And former spies. That can be fascinating reading. But more so if you read a lot of them as you begin to run into juxtapositions.

One notable account was in three books I read. One written by a former KGB director, one by a former Japanese espionage officer, and one by a former British MI6 (British Secret Intelligence Service) officer. Each of their books included an account of a meeting that happened years before and might have been in Hong Kong. The thing that’s so interesting about that, which I’ve written about before, is that when you read an account of an incident reported to be true and factual by those who were there, by those who are our friends and enemies, a good researcher can pick out the reality. And often the lies.

I remember reading those books years ago and suddenly realizing what was happening in that they each were detailing the same incident from vastly differing points of view. You could see the inaccuracies, but you could also see what lined up. Suddenly I realized I had read about this meeting before. 

You could also see where someone might garner conspiracy theory from reading one of these accounts, or even all of them. You could see and recognize where reality was shining out to you as a researcher, but also how many who might read those accounts, might not comprehend what they were reading, in failing to assimilate and recognize what very likely what had happened.

It was in my previous knowledge and hopefully, wisdom, that I later applied in the 1990s and began to see what was going on in America. The flashing red light was the Republican Party. The warning sign was to notice you’d seen this all before but it was from the Soviet KGB in their disinformation tactics against the West, and their anti-democracy campaigns around the world. Why was this coming out of the American Republican Party?

I was seeing the same tactics being used by our own conservative party of big business, the Republican Party. The self-labeled party of law and order. Over time, I came to realize and recognize this was being greatly magnified by one person, Newt Gingrich. I didn’t know that at first. I just heard things coming out of the Republican party, which, when I vetted that information, turned up false, repeatedly conflated, spun, and eventually evolved into outright lies. What was happening?

Then VP Gore lost the 2000 election to George W. Bush in a very questionable situation. I already knew when Bush got into office, and then read more about it, that he was going to start a war against Saddam Hussein in Iraq. 

Then 9/11 happened.

I told everyone I could that America was going to go to war because we’d been hurt and intimidated and frightened. We had to punch another country in the "mouth" even if it wasn’t a country who did it, even if it wasn’t A country who attacked us.

I was very concerned about that. And sure enough, we went after Iraq. I knew that Bush “Junior “was still disturbed by his father’s war in Iraq to protect Kuwait, after the invasion by Iraq. "HW" didn't take down Hussein at that time, perhaps rightly so. I do think Saddam Hussein believed he was given a greenlight by America, by POTUS George HW Bush, even if he hadn't. I could never figure out if Bush did that on purpose to evoke Hussein to act, or if it was advertent. I suspect it might’ve been inadvertent, though as a former head of the CIA, it didn't bode well for "HW" as POTUS.

Domestic and especially international politics are extremely complex and lend themselves easily to conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theory is something that is evoked in those who think they have more knowledge than they do, who think they have a better skill set than they do, or perhaps can. But it’s also used and weaponized by those who know better, who know very well what’s going on, but see it as a social manipulation, their goals being where their ends justify whatever means they use against others, as long as it’s not themselves who are harmed.

I look forward to having a government and international community where we don’t have to pay so much attention. You’ll one day notice at some point that you don’t have to watch the news daily. Or weekly, or monthly, to where you can go through the year paying less attention without fear and trepidation.

But here’s the thing about democracy. 

"If you snooze you lose", and if you don’t monitor and adjust, if you let "evil" insidiously invade...in fact, as history has shown us, it takes only a few “cells “within a body politic to more easily affect negative changes.

If you are part of that body politic it requires, it demands that you “be “a part of that body politic. Otherwise, you will one day find that you are part of another body politic altogether that you didn’t sign off on. Look through history. You will see that occurring again and again.

The thing I never understood about the Republican Party was it's far easier and far cheaper to affect change through proactivity, awareness, and a good and positive orientation for all, and not just for the few.

We can do better. We just need to want to do better. We need to easily and lazily believe not that our government is merely corrupt and we need to bring it down. But all governments always need fixing in continuous and hard work in order to affect positive change.

So often and especially on the extreme sides, the left or the right, the easy path is destruction and rebuilding. But that’s a lie. That’s a belief of children. It’s binary thinking and expensive both in resources and human lives.

Any adult knows that those times of necessitating the tearing down and completely rebuilding from scratch, are few and far between. Just because some points of contention exist, does not mean that the situation you’re looking at has all those necessary conditions that necessitate destruction.

"Occam‘s Razor" is too often misused. Incorrectly applied. The biggest problem is knowing a little is not knowing a lot. Not enough information can be highly destructive in applying things that don’t fit the situation. That is perhaps the greatest weapon disinformationalists have in their toolbox.

When you notice that those you believe in, or the tribe that you belong to starts moving from informational spin to outright lies, such as we've seen the Republican party do with their MAGA infection, with their cult of personality for career criminal and convicted felon Donald Trump at its top, you can be sure you’re on the wrong path to glory.

Starting mile two…

I mentioned the other day about facing one's fears and my story about that as a kid. But facing isn't conquering. When I heard to face my fears or I'd be running from them all my life, I thought, "Screw that!" I started facing them. Sometimes, a bit terrified. Monitoring the experience as it happened, wondering if I could push through to the end of experiencing it.

After completing a session of facing them down, I was disappointed to find it didn't kill them off. They remained. Different fears needed conquering in different ways. Some were just simply repetition to let them fade through familiarity. Some took understanding you weren't killed by them, or damaged by them. Some were simply pushing through them and killing them off later, in hindsight, through reflection and using humor to denigrate them into nothingness. There's nothing quick and easy about it. It takes work, time, perseverance. Some more than others. Some evaporated quickly in little time or effort as they just took going through the process and realizing it was all in my head. But not always. Surely, not always...

From the podcast… I agree about debates being superfluous. We’ve had many leaders and I’ve experienced this in myself… with great leaders who are not great in things like public speaking or debating. Doesn't make them bad at what we most need. I might offer Hillary Clinton to some degree in that respect. Who isn't that bad at debates but comes across harsh in some ways making her unelectable for them.

But if we have two candidates in a debate where one is an amazing debater but a horrible administrator? With the other as the opposite, won’t we end up electing the wrong person? A person who makes us feel good is laudable and desirable in a leader. But I'd rather not feel good whenever they speak but know that things are running well and they're keeping us safe when making choices both internationally and domestically.

And making the best choices not for that person‘s party first, but for our citizens as a whole. Not as just America first, but as equally so, humanity 1st. Not just as humanity 1st should extraterrestrial life ever contact us or be contacted by us. But life 1st. You know what I mean?

We would not sacrifice our own survival for the sake of others, but in our efforts to enrich and improve human life, why wouldn't we consider the well-being of all humans and all forms of life?

I guess that’s my Buddhist nature speaking. Enlightenment encompasses all things. While you still have to make the hard choices, hard decisions. But at least you’ll do it with awareness rather than ineptitude or disregard.

As "Starman" said in the movie played by Jeff Bridges, "Humans have such potential." We try to achieve more than we can:

“You are a strange species. Not like any other. And you’d be surprised how many there are. Intelligent but savage. Shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you? You are at your very best when things are worst.”

Just because we fail, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t continue because we should’ve learned something to better succeed the next time.

Sadly, that’s what we’re seeing with Donald Trump and his MAGA. His January 6th insurrection failed last time. He likely won’t next time. And no one should want them to succeed. Perhaps Putin, perhaps Kim Jong Un. Perhaps China’s President Xi. But maybe even China doesn’t want us to fail.

If the North Koreans knew us and knew their own reality, they wouldn’t want us to fail. If Russians were more aware, as they are becoming about their own country and leadership, they won’t want us to fail. But not fail in ways that do not harm them.

We have to succeed, not just with our own interests in mind. Because that’s the quickest path to eventual failure.

It can be cathartic to denigrate others who are against one's own "tribal" beliefs, or who are just obviously ignorant and destructive but it doesn’t help us achieve the goal of changing their orientation for the road they are on.

The podcast is bringing up something that’s always bothered me about America. I love watching the British Prime Minister in Parliament having to debate against the leaders of their citizenry. I would like to see that here in America. As a point made on the podcast, we may get these presidential debates here, but then it doesn’t happen again once they become POTUS. They enter a room and people "stand up and salute."

That's starting to seem problematic because it lends itself to a cult of personality and somehow that has led us to Donald Trump and (his) authoritarianism.

Something that is anathema to democracy...or a constitutional republic. Remember when you hear someone say we’re a constitutional republic, not a democracy, that has become just a whistle call for authoritarianism.

From the podcast… it’s conjectured that this debate next week between Biden and Trump, the first of two with the next one being closer to the election… may be the most impactful event in this entire campaign, and election.

So much of this election on the Trump side is theater when it should be politics. It should be about whose best to lead us. So this curated debate will be about disallowing Trump his clownish games and his bully tactics to give us not Trump-style clown theater, but actual contrastural political discourse. Substance over the informational vacuum  we are served up by Trump so very often.

This debate will be a display of the caricature that Trump actually is, contrasted with the POTUS who Joe Biden actually is and who we need for the next four years over that of a criminal clown. Sad if you don’t like Joe Biden, that’s our reality. Administrator over that of criminal. An actual criminal. Not make-believe “Biden crime family “nonsense.

Here’s an interesting thought, because a lot of people are so worried about Biden’s age when Trump’s age is just as much, if not more of a concern, considering his pathologies. Who exercises and tries to eat well at his age to try to be healthy? Not Trump.

If we were to slow things down in time and look at the actual work Biden is doing… in meetings he has or conferences he attends, or with national leaders he’s met with, and then do the same in observing and slowing down Trump’s actions and demeanor, Biden wins hands-down, every time, and easily.

Starting final mile three for the day…

Just now walking along, following this woman with her dog in front of me. Got me to thinking about being married, or dating.

Nope. 

Done that 3.5 times when for whatever reason it hasn’t worked out. Sadly. I’d love to have a partner to go through life with, especially at this point, in this stage of life. But it does seem problematic. After my wife and I divorced in 2002, after a while even my kids, then in junior high and high school, were saying "we need a woman, a 'mom' here, Dad." And I could only say, I’m trying. But I had a four-hour commute every day, a job that was taxing and mentally exhausting.

I tried the online online dating thing. I had some interesting encounters and weird experiences. The last time, a Vietnamese woman, a businesswoman in Seattle, had contacted me. We met and it actually clicked. For almost 2 years. I never introduced girlfriends to my kids back then, until this one. Actually lost one potential girlfriend because I wouldn’t let my kids meet her in the beginning until we were more established. She got miffed and that was the end of that. Probably for the better.

When I called it off with the Vietnamese woman, it had occurred to me that she wouldn’t introduce me to her family. A cultural thing perhaps? Because I was white and not Vietnamese, I think. She broke up with me four times. Someone much later asked me if that could have been her beginning of menopause? 

I hadn’t considered that and it made me sad. Had I known it was a condition and not just her view of things, or her personality, I could have dealt with that. She had been with the same guy and only one guy, for 27 years, in a kind of abusive relationship since she was 18 when they separately came over to America, having escaped Vietnam on a boat. In the end, I told her I hoped I had helped her transition as a rebound guy into her next relationship that would hopefully make her happier with someone she found better suited to her needs. I mean, I didn't think at the time that we could’ve suited one another's needs better. But there it is…

So the single life? It sucks. On the other hand, especially as my last marriage was with someone addicted to drama. Who actually accused me of that once or twice, while everyone who knew me just laughed and said, "No, no that’s her." I have no drama in my life now. The little bit there is from my adult kids from time to time, for issues in their own lives. But that’s part of being a parent...until you die.

So, Single life? Who knows. As far as I can tell? I still have decades to go. We’ll see what happens.

As I continued to talk about relationships here...up above, the sprinkling on me stopped. Maybe I pleased the Gods, or the Universe, or some nonsense like that?

Cupid? That you? Why is Cupid always a boy baby? A baby with a bow and arrow. How problematic.

On that thing about relationships. When I was younger, I saw myself as an “intellectualist". That meant everything I did was to try to strengthen my mind, to enhance my knowledge and wisdom, to be a better person, and to always stretch my limits and my limitations. I went until I hit my limitations. If you never hit your limitations, you can’t stretch beyond those limitations as you're not really aware of those limitations. 

How do you know where they begin or end? You have no way of judging until you hit them. I've known people who couldn't understand that. They said they just "knew" where their limitations were, and so they didn't need to reach them, or push them, or even experience them. Seems like fear to me. And it can be, and is scary. But facing that, experiencing that, gives one the strength you're seeking to increase.

I hadn’t realized when I was younger and trying to do that, that it makes finding an appropriate mate extremely improbable. It’s interesting that in my lifetime those women I found myself most attracted to, who I thought were equals or betters to me, seemed most to recognize... "This isn’t for me." Good for them but, my loss.

More power to them. As it is for everyone, the group available to you are those you come into contact with. Certainly before social media. If you're not meeting who you want to be meeting, you have to be where they are. Right?

I did seem to inspire a very strong desire from some women. It wasn’t until just a few years ago that someone pointed out the issue of falling in love with those who are strongly in love with you. Maybe because of their strong love for you. And that can be a problem.

So is that what happened? Is that the only way it can happen?

I mean, what are relationships? What should romantic relationships be? What is the range of what is desirable versus acceptable?

That concept of "reciprocity in affection", is where a person may develop feelings for someone because they feel loved and valued by that person. It’s not classified as a psychological disorder but is a recognized behavior pattern in social psychology.

Some issues to be aware of in that realm: 

• Nightingale Syndrome: a situation where a caregiver develops feelings for their patient. Nurses and doctors may run into this with their potential romantic partners.
• Stockholm Syndrome: hostages develop a bond with captors, often as a survival strategy.
• Erotomania: a delusional disorder where a person believes another person, often of higher status, is in love with them. Obviously in power imbalances, this can be an issue and in today's work environments, can cost one a career or one's respect from coworkers.

While these aren't pathologies, as social patterns they're things to be aware of.

In recent years, I seem to inspire and attract those on the edges. However, you define that. My last relationship about six years ago turned out to be one where I felt a need to fix her because she was desperate to be fixed and needed help at that point in her life. I have a strong constitution and a degree in psychology and I think I did a lot of good in that relationship. But in the end, something didn't feel right for me and I decided it wasn’t for me. My kids also spoke to me about that. Listen to your friends and loved ones.

We do the best we can in life and move on. Or we should.

Politics again… I find it interesting, those Trump supporters who said, "I’m all for Trump but if he gets too crazy, I’m out!" Then he got too crazy and some of them indeed said they were out, like Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham.

Then the masses said, "All right, I’m all for Trump, as long as he doesn’t get convicted." Then he got convicted. Not a few felonies, but 34, not to mention the E Jean Carol judgment. Twice.

Then those people said, "OK sure he got convicted, but unless they put him in prison, it’s not real."

WTHF? Over rationalize any?

Now it's, "Unless he receives punishment, imprisonment, I'm all for Trump!" Shifting boundaries is a sign you've lost the game.

What’s next? "OK, they executed him, but unless he rises from the grave, I’m all for him. IF he rises from the grave, I'm still all for him!"

MAGA logic. Authoritarian logic. Anti-American logic. Do you HEAR the insane in that?

Oh yeah, my son sent me something yesterday about AI. There’s "Personal AI" a company with their  Model-2 AI. They say it has very low hallucinations and for $40 a month, or $1000 a month, you can have access to their amazing AI. Not "large language AI" but "Personal Language AI", more tailored to the individual.

I have been saying that this was coming. Also, the prices would come down and useful AI would become more functional for each individual.

The thing about this AI is that it's acculturated/acclimated to you and you alone. Something that will evolve bigger and better and won’t take that long. I’m assuming prices will get down to that of streaming networks, somewhere between $5 a month and $20, or more for "Cadillac versions".

As it is now, I really liked Bing's Copilot, until lately 50% of the things I ask it to do either it couldn’t or refused to do. It’s getting up to 60% or 70% now in rapidly becoming useless. I’m getting much better responses off of Gemini and ChatGPT (where I started with all this).

Oh, I just thought I’d drop this here, as I may have mentioned it in the previous blog. This thing about the 10 Commandments in schools? Kurt Vonnegut once pointed out that makes you a follower of Moses, not Jesus. And if you’re a Christian, you follow Jesus, right? So what are you doing?

Good question. But if you’re asking Christian nationalists, that’s really a whole other cup of toxic tea.

Joe G u/EastEndJoe This. Is. Fantastic! Truly teaching the 10 Commandments

And now in talking about this, it’s starting to sprinkle on me. Interesting

On that note, I’ll bid you adieu…and I’ll leave you with that.

Cheers! Sláinte!

Life Through A Seinfeld Filter

Just watching Seinfeld's latest standup on Netflix:

First off, how does this happen? I'm watching the show, eating lunch, finish lunch, pick up my laptop to share what he said, and as I type it, I completely forgot what the quote was!

W...T...F?

"..."?

But Jerry reminded me of a few things with my ex-wife. Yes, my most previous ex-wife as my friends and family know, I've had 3.5 of them... marriages, and thank you very much for that clarification.

"I dreamed what you did...."

I woke up one morning next to my very lovely wife as she woke up and looked over at me like...like she had never before seen me and had just woken up next to some stranger. It gave me a weird feeling.

I queried her and she responded that I had done something completely and utterly unacceptable...in her dream. I replied, knowing I was potentially in trouble here, that 1, I would 1 never do that thing, and 2, IT WAS A DREAM.

And it was YOUR dream, your mind. NOT my mind that came up with that.

She grinned, fighting back her feelings, knowing I was right, and even said so and that she just needed to work it out in her head.

Which took most of the day. And yes. it an interesting day. Not one of my favorite days.

"Tone of your voice...."

We sometimes had arguments at times over one thing or another, that began as discussions, moved into argumentation, and rapidly devolved into bickering and confusion (one my part) and irritation (on her part). And she would wind me up pretty good. And apparently, I was winding her up. But that was most definitely not my intention. 

Until finally, usually, in my trying to pull things back to calmness and reality we would attain some degree of rationality And no this ia not all just me trying to look good here. That's actually what would happen.

For some of these, I actually have witnesses. AND, her family already knew all about this of course, and actually tried to warn me about her when we were first dating, which...was weird. They would laugh about it and tease so I wasn't sure if they were serious. But they would always, en masse, make it clear, they were serious. But they were still laughing. And I know now, why that was.

Usually, once I got us back to an even footing she would then take the lead and attempt to maintain her lead,. But sometimes, I would hear her final justification for her irritation being that it was... the tone of my voice. That I didn't sound like I believed what I was saying.

What? At first, when this happened, it left me very confused. What did the tone of my voice have to do with anything? My words carried the content of what I was being honest about. My word is my bond as they say. As I've said. If I said it, I was being honest about it. I hate lying. I always tell the truth.

But that's another story. You have to be smarter to always tell the truth, learning to handle sharing reality with diplomacy, compassion. Or at times, simple avoidance. If not outright refusing to say something rather than lie. But too many prefer a lie. Because it's just easier. And faster. 

Whenever this was about child-rearing between us, it was beyond my being able to let it go or cave to her demands,  and I would dig in. If it was just about me I could maybe let something go. But I was (we were, we ARE) responsible for our kids and so you can't let it go when you're fighting for another's rights or fair treatment. The issue there?

A combined front against the kids, even if one of us were wrong (I hated that). And what's this "against" our kids? 'You can't be your kid's friend and a good parent." Nonsense. You just have to have the fortitude to stand your ground when needed and remind the kids, "I'm still your parent." It always worked for me, as it did with teams of adults I led. "I AM your friend, but I'm ALSO your boss." What's so difficult about that? 

I can remember one time that exemplifies what frequently happened. It wasn't about the kids that time. But she had wound me up pretty good and I finally agreed to disagree and do what she wanted. In my trying NOT to wind HER up, she had won. Essentially. But she was still irritated and I asked why? She said:

"It's the tone of your voice. I don't think you believe what you're saying, or that you'll do it (or sometimes... 'do it as well as you would if you believed it')."

Which always annoyed me because I have always seen myself as a professional and like it or not, I'll always do the best I can regardless. Or I won't do it at all or agree to do it. Because once I'm done with whatever it is, it represents me and who I am after I am part with that person, task or item. 

I replied that she had gotten me to agree to do something that I did not want to do and did not believe in at all. But she won. I caved. I agreed to do it. And I will do it, and do the best job I can of it. As always.

I then asked her if she thought she was the Mind Police or something, because that definitely IS being unreasonable. You can win the argument, but you cannot make me believe something I fully do not believe in. That's unfair. It's wrong. It's... bizarre. It's mind control. I think it's why I don't like Donald Trump so much. His personality seems very familiar to me in some small ways.

So what was it exactly that she wanted of me, then?

That stumped her. In the end, she agreed, still somewhat frustrated, to settle with mere winning and my agreeing to do it. I then did what I agreed to. She liked the job I did. And that was the end of it. For the time...

One thing I can say, that was many years of an interesting living situation.

Now I'm single (stop laughing!). No stress in any life relationship or in my household whatsoever. Since my German Shepherd of fifteen years died in 2016, I don't even have a pet anymore to have to worry about. Yes, I sometimes miss someone around the house. And yes, it's nice having a life partner. But now I can take off at a moment's notice, come back home days later without notifying or scheduling or anything, and all is good and peaceful in my life. 

Sure, I do at times miss living with a best friend, a life partner, lover, pet whathaveyou. 

But there's definitely an upside to it all.

And part of that right now is that I just remembered what I was going to quote Jerry on that started me down this list of past bizarre situations in living arrangements.

Bucket lists. 

Jerry had said:

"I made a buck list. I changed the "B" to an "F" and I was done with that too. I just want you to all have that option. You can either check off all your items or change one letter at the top and you're in a lazyboy watching a ballgame."

Now that's funny. And cathartic. And useful. Or not. You're choice.

We're not living together. So I'm not trying to tell you what to believe.

Or to have to bend to your bizarre mental gymnastics. 

Thanks, Jerry. I'll keep that all in mind.

Wakefulness 4:30AM - A Poem

Dark lies upon me.

I hear my own breath,
from inside of me.
Consciousness stirring
I hear the dimness
of the darkened room
and the soft breathing
lying next to me.

My dog sleeps below,
on his pad down low
large enough for his
solid eighty pound
German Sherpherdness.
But the breath that is
too close for him, has
a softer, gentler
sound coming from it
so unfamiliar.

I "open" my eyes,
focus slow to come.
I shift ever so
slightly in my skin
and my entire
human shell becomes
a vast sense organ.

Feeling, sensing. I
can "see" her lying
next to me, wrapped up
in my size and my
own solidness. She
does not move, at first.
And I am surprised.

It’s been five years. More?
Since I've felt this thing.
Then I remember
her and sink into
an ease, a silver,
complete negligence,
luxuriating
in her nakedness.
Her straight blond hair splayed
over her shoulders,
over my shoulders,
on my pillow, half
hiding her soft grace.

Partially out of
the covers, with my
own skin against hers,
her bare torso, and
naked breasts lying
gently against my
chest. Lower, the side
of my pelvis where
it meets the top of
her long slender legs.

I move my foot and
brush toes tenderly
against the side of
hers and she shudders
ever so gently,
melting into me,
settling into me
tightening her hold
on me, around a
chest breathing, peaceful.

I shift my gaze and
can smell her hair, light,
faint citrus smell of
sanity, outdoors.
I don't ever want
to wake. I melt back
into that moment,
settling into my
peace, my subtle fears.

I smile and fall
back into sleep with
her gentle breath, soft,
moist, against my ear.

Finally, as I
stir myself into
full, safe consciousness,
she is gone and her
side of the bed is
cold and unslept in.

And I am again,
so fully awake.

Bah Humbug, Holidays? Really? Still... Happy New Year 2018!

Welcome to 2018! Just be better than 2017!

Really so glad you could all make it!

2017 treated far too many of us with utter contempt and disrespect. I look forward to 2018 being much more congenial and powerfully friendly. And if it's not...then I look forward to wrestling it to the ground, cruising its face into the mud and beating the holy tar out of it because This year...I'm not putting up with that crap any longer.

And so say us all!
Let's celebrate. Or would you rather skip all the trouble? I know, I know. Many of us have felt through this year that it would be better not to bridge that gap and just relax and fall to end it all. But a new year brings hope. And more strenuous efforts to deny the stupid, remove the ill mannered, and better everyone's lives, not just the few.

I mean, what are holidays for anyway? Who cares about them? Why should we care about them? Especially if we find in them, celebrating things we are not that partial to, or in support of, or see only the negative in them. Like an "Uncle Mike's" annoying habits, or a "grandpa's" drunken grouchiness. Aren't they just another waste of human resources? Emotional exhibitions with too frequently no need or basis in logic? Or reality.

Obviously holidays are for the celebrations for which they were originally intended.

Though some do supersede those original reasons. Such as Christmas. A birthday. New Year's, Halloween, etc. They are a reason for celebrating their original intent, to be sure, but also for sharing communal experiences, renewing old alliances, expanding one's relationships.

They are for exceeding one's normal experience of any normal day. A reason to do the exceptional, a thing to plan for and enjoy the planning of, not to ruin it by stressing over that planning, not for exceeding oneself to the point of misery or destitution. But to be the abnormal, in a positive sense. To pamper oneself, or others. To use that which we save up for over time (to use, not abuse), to remember our reasons for existing in the first place. Whatever that may be. To show others that you care when normally it isn't considered, executed, or appreciated.

We have to face the fact that holidays are not only for what they are claimed to be, or originally were all about.

They offer one an opportunity to shine, in various ways. To know one is appreciated, to show that the appreciation of others. To build memories that will last a lifetime. To, in even the smallest of ways, give others acknowledgement of your appreciation of their existence, of their help, or their care for you. And to assure that this relationship continues or even expands in ways that are a benefit to yourself, to themselves and to your associated communities, both local and extended.

They are there to enjoy ourselves in our own experience of them and through the experience of others sharing in those experiences with us. It can be a bonding experience far outweighing the effort of experiencing them, as well as in the shared memories of those events many years into the future. Or even beyond life itself if recorded and later shared by friends, family or even unknown descendants or merely other citizens.

So don't blow off these holidays.

Do not fear them.

Embrace them. They will embrace you back.

In the end, we may all very well benefit by them.

All the best to you and yours in this new year of 2018!

Dating Sites and no not Ashley Madison

I got bored the other day, so I hopped on a dating site. See I live in an area here in the woods, twenty-two miles across Bainbridge Island and Puget Sound as the crow flies from Seattle. I seem to run into more potential dates in Seattle than I ever do in my area here in Kitsap County. Or they are clear across the country or the world from me. 

I've been saying that I'm sure there is someone for anybody, somewhere. I just figure that my potential "soulmate" (a kind of ridiculous romantic notion) is probably in the back alleyways of Mumbai, or Tokyo, Rio, or Belfast (or for that matter Dublin, Galway, Cork, or Limerick...see I'm going there in less than a week for my birthday, so....).

I've been single now since 2010 when my girlfriend and I split up after about a year and a half. She was a great lady but she kept breaking up with me. So on about the fourth time I said I thought maybe I wasn't what she was looking for. 

She was a very lovely Vietnamese businesswoman and I think she had trouble with my being white, mostly because of her family and not really her. I also wanted to pay as much time on my writing as possible and as my kids were just about grown and moved out of the house and onto their adult lives, I needed to have someone going to keep me from empty nest syndrome. Plus, I've made great strides in my writing career now too!

But that's not what I'm here to talk about. 

I'm on a few dating sites just for fun, but I don't much go on them. Not sure why I'm even there, really. I think it's like when I'm shopping for sweets at the store. I am losing weight, so I don't want to eat sweets. I just look, and move on. Window shopping if you will, so I don't buy in the end. 

And no, not Ashley Madison. 

I find a dating site dedicated to people cheating on their supposed best friend in life, utterly despicable. I don't understand the concept of cheating. IF you love someone, if someone is your best friend in the world and you marry they, how can you possibly kill their spirit by going out on them when they don't know it? 

Now I'm pretty open minded and I feel whatever agreement two people have as to what their relationships is, is between that couple (or threesome, or whatever they have agreed upon). But when you agree to be with only them and they don't know you are running around on them, well, you're a low life, aren't you?

I've been trying to change careers and if anything will suck up your time keeping you from attaining a goal... yeah, it's relationships.

So I get on this one site and run into a woman here or there who strikes my interest. I look past the surface info and photos and inevitably find a reason why it wouldn't be workable. Fine.

It's in the not workable part that I found something interesting. What exactly is it that makes them, unworkable?

Number one I think is, I just see the crazy in their eyes, in the look. After several marriages and various girlfriends over the years, the crazy has just gotten to be too easy to located.

Number two is either their location or religion or both. 

They seem to be equal in number of instances. Funny how I can see a photo and know instantly they are Catholic (having been raised Catholic) and I'm almost always right. 

Location has to be reasonable and religion definitely has to be reasonable.

What's reasonable for location? VERY local. I don't want to spend two hours getting there to see them (or vice versa) and the location around here is shall we say, interesting? It's really nice around here actually... unless you're into dating. 

Anyway, same goes with religious orientation. If there even IS one indicated. Yeah, I'm not big into religion, maybe you've noticed that. I'm not exactly secretive about it. Because then it feels like it's more than two hours from here for me. Here, right up here in my head, see? Get it? It's then more like it's light years from where they are then.

So then there is a number 3. 

Which I suppose is... what they say in their profile. Not to mention their photos. It is so annoying when someone posts photos of their flowers, or their pet (espeically if their pets are their children, I mean, really? If there's not enough listed about them, then they are holding back something, right? But if it's too much, then they are either giving up too much (and why?), or they are just too opinionated and either have issues like in having too many rules, or maybe they're simply too high maintenance. Many very attractive women have that issue in having been treated so well by so many throughout their lives. It's not so much a statement about them as it is about what you might have to deal with in being in a relationship with them. And I have no doubt that it's just like that if you're a woman looking for a guy.

But it got me to thinking.

If there's NO one out there then who is reasonable for me to take a crack at, then what's the common denominator in my not finding anyone who works for  me? 

Well. Me, obviously. 

Good grief, what a loser. Right? What a jerk! A cretin!

In considering all that I do realize something. Actually I realized this a long ago but it doesn't help me much in writing it out here now, does it? I'm quite sure I must be coming across the same, to some anyway of them anyway. 

So what's that mean? It's just not really workable I suppose.

I've actually always done much better in person. 

To consider putting your life on paper and then try to look good, is problematic to begin with. Rather when you see someone who catches your eye from across the room, then it's far easier to discount them and move on and not even realize it. Or to find that spark that suddenly flames up into something curious and interesting and well, there you are. All the work getting started is done without even thinking about it. 

And if they say too much or too little (well that comes when you start talking I suppose), other things can dilute the negatives, be it a smile, a laugh, a movement, a glance. Some of us are far better in flirting in person I suppose. Some of the "magic" in who we are is in us interacting. One has to wonder in viewing profiles online and rejecting them, just how many would you have gone for, if you had met them in first, in person?

What was my point in bringing this all up?

Romance I think. Interpersonalities. How we boil ourselves down to a profile and miss some of the great things in life in not having allowed things to grow and mature organically and within physical proximity. Don't get me wrong. 

I met my first online girlfriend back in the early 90s online (obviously) on a BBS, this being pre-interwebs and all. I was thirty six and she was twenty. She found me. She had heard of my reputation on that site and became attracted to me.

Seems she heard about a transexual flirting with me who I thought had been born female. Hey, just my preference. There is so much baggage for me in dealing in relationships, I really don't need any more than the usual that I'm familiar with. So shoot me. Once she outed herself to me online (we never did meet), I was a little stunned. I had started to realize someone was wrong when our sexualty as we discussed, seemed to match up too well. As if she were a guy. A Tomboy? Maybe. But I started getting an odd feeling. So one day online I asked some probing questions and she fessed up.

I tried to explain to her that she really needs to make that clear up front, not later on. I had recently just gone through this kind of thing with someone else on that site. A woman who said she was a model. She told me about her traveling Europe with another model friend. We got as far as phone calls. 

Then she fessed up about having been raped in Europe on that trip, then gaining a lot of weight. I felt betrayed at that point and the betrayal outweighed her physical changes from what she had described. I had a degree in psychology and I was seeing some serious issues here she needed to deal with, before she dated like this. 

I explained to her it was better to be up front with people, and not deceive them as how can that work out to her benefit? I'd also been through my last two major relationships which both ended in deceit. My long time girlfriend through college had an affair, then ran off and my just recently ex wife, had an affair and I threw her out. I was a little partial to not being lied to by that point in my life. Especially considering I had never had a woman break up with me until I was in my 30s.

Getting back to the transsexual, I was actually worried about her meeting some guy who then finds out he situation and he hurts her. I treated her like a person, I showed concern and I was concerned. Well she told everyone on the dating site and I so I somehow got a bit reputation for being cool, I suppose. 

Which led to a relationship with a very attractive, very bright twenty year old computer tech (who looked a lot like Mackenzie Davis' character Cameron Howe, on the excellent show, Halt and Catch Fire. Even down to the short blond hair and who even my housemate liked back then and she was pretty harsh on whomever I dated. She said of all the girls I had dated while living with her, she liked that one the best. High praise indeed. 

Halt and Catch Fire, which I just heard was being cancelled as I write this but hopefully uncancelled by time this blog is published in a couple of weeks as I'm in Ireland at the time this blog goes live. 

That Vietnamese lady I mentioned in the beginning? 

I also met her online back in 2010. She actually (again actually) initially contacted me. This was on a dating website (BBSs having gone the way of the dinosaur by now I suppose though it wouldn't surprise me to find there are still some around).

We met up, hit it off and had a great eighteen month relationship. Until I got tired of being broken up with. Well I understand. She'd had a tough life in some ways, certainly, romantically speaking.

Even though I've had some very good success stories in online dating I still prefer meeting someone in person for the first time. there's just something more as I said, organic about it. I feel like the tentacles of personality have a better field to invest in, to be enriched in. Surely it can work online and then you meet.

Look, that concept of finding someone similar online with similar interests and orientations in life, is all reasonable and everything, but some of my most intense relationships were when we were very different and people would even remark on it:

"How did you two ever get together. You're so very different?"

Love, we supposed. We very much loved each other and the differences just didn't matte.

Not right away anyhow, but after about five years or so (mostly because of raising kids really) those differences did seem to matter after all. Quite a lot actually. Of course those relationships didn't last forever. But it was really Something, let me tell you!

Anyway, like I said. Dating sites. I was bored one day....

Still am. 

Well, moving on.... I have writing to do and an upcoming trip out of country to get ready for.

Know Thyself

There's a saying, "A good man knows his limitations." This isn't about being macho, Not about age, gender, education, religion, relationships, position in society.

Sometimes I have a feeling that people have no clue what that means. Especially, politicians, religious and political pundits and... did I say politicians?

Anyway, know how far you can go with something. With anything.

Yes, it means that. Many think that is all it means, or at least, they act that way. But really you know, it means so much more.

You also need to know if and how far you can and should try to push yourself beyond those limitations because that is when great things happen, when great people are exhibited to themselves and to the world.

I say "themselves" because we are a conglomeration of individuals, a multiplicity of selves we that call, "self", just to simplify things.

It is good to be aware of that, because it can be important in knowing one's limitations.

Be aware of where YOUR limitations lie.

We can and should supersede those limitations, but knowing where they end and when we are running on fumes, and luck, are all important things to be keenly aware of. Because it can get you killed. Or at least, it can ruin your connections to others.

Know when your limitations are not someone else's. Don't push them to the breaking point when sometimes, most times probably, that is up to them. Though sometimes, we should push them.

Those two things are important in relationships and in helping others. They are also important elements in ruining relationships, in harming others and in certain situations, getting them killed.

Also know when your limitations are not someone else's, in the other direction. Like when their limitations outdistance yours, or far outdistance them for that matter.

Give them their due respect.

Respecting others who deserve it, admitting when you are fallow in their shadow, really doesn't diminish you. In fact, it elevates you.

I see this a lot among those who have less training in something than they need and yet refuse to show proper respect in the audience of greatness.

Even slight greatness more than yours, in showing respect, makes you seem more than you are, not less.

I know, it's counter-intuitive, something that conservatives have a great deal of trouble with, as well as the less well formally educated, in my experience. I have no trouble showing respect to someone who deserves it, regardless of how or where they were trained or educated.

Though sometimes that alone really is worthy of respect and can be a separator issue from what they actually know or can do and again, that does confuse some.

Err on the side of caution during those times.

Few things irritate me more than someone trying to be what they are not, with inflated self-importance.

Look. I'm the first to offer respect when someone deserves it, even if they outshine myself. If you are the first to not do that, then you are a sad individual indeed. Because you are exhibiting poor self-esteem and worse you are exhibiting poor judgement.

Of others, of yourself,. Then, you are a detriment to all involved.

It's really pretty simple, and complicated. But it's even more easily defined as this really:

"Know thyself."

Seduction and sex as positive relationship and life skills

As Jane Langton says (below in her TEDx video), we need to be able to laugh at ourselves and we need to have fun in life and in relationships. One more thing before we get started. If you have a pet, when you walk by it at home, do you smile at it?

When you see something pleasing, do you take a moment to smile about it? Do you smile enough throughout your day? Even if you have little to smile about, if you try to find things that are lighter throughout your day, that has a lot to do with enjoying life. If you think about how often the number 23 comes up in life, once you consider that, you tend to start to notice that number. The same can be true about other things. Like beauty and humor, compassion and affection.

Chen Lizra

Okay, let's start by watching the first minute of this video from a TEDx with Chen Lizra on seduction. Watch at least the first thirty seconds. There will be a few TEDx videos shared in this blog today just for support and background, and for further (and better) explanation of the specifics of the overall topic.

But not to worry. They are are pretty short, interesting, entertaining, educational and very useful. If you don't know TED or TEDx, they are pretty awesome. TED stands for "Technology, Entertainment and Design" and the "x" is for the independently community versions of these.

"TED is a global set of conferences run by the private non-profit Sapling Foundation, under the slogan "Ideas Worth Spreading". TED was founded in 1984 as a one-off event; the annual conference series began in 1990." -Wikipedia

I've been surprised by two things first and foremost in this area. One is how this is abused by some in the public sphere to get ahead and that is fine, but sometimes it does get out of hand. The other is how they will use it in their public and professional lives, but not at home with the person that is their partner in life and the one most central to their life.

This goes for both men and women but I've seen it more in my life obviously (being male) with women. Once in a relationship, they seem to think it's wrong to use it on their mate. Why is that?
I suspect it is because they know how they use it in public and they may not want to bring that into the privacy of their home, for whatever reason. That it is in some way, disingenuous, questionable to use on someone close to you, or simply unfair in some way. It's not, if you have both of you in mind.

This also has to do with self image, how one views oneself.

And in America, how self conscious we are, how we associate sex with everything but then disassociate it from so much where it really should be associated. We are a curious tribe, mixed and varied as we are. We seem mostly to associate sex in negative ways (advertising, reactions to it, pornography, etc.), but is it sometimes not used in ways we may mistakenly consider it to not be positive, where we really should be using it?

We're twisted sometimes, and not in a good way. And not in ways we think, making it somewhat counter-intuitive for many.

We are at times stunted by our over Puritanical, over religious ways and, we need to get over ourselves.

Of course there are other issues, as Tracy McMillan points out in her TEDx. Tracy McMillan is a television writer (Mad Men, United States of Tara) and relationship author who wrote the book "Why You're Not Married".We need to marry, or to be in a relationship with the right person. First and foremost that person needs to be, you.

This brings us to the next issue once we are in a relationship as explored in the Sex Starved Marriage by Alisa Vitti. You can watch the video, but one of the things to consider is that sometimes you just need to have sex, even when you don't really feel like it. Remember the comment above about smiling? Similar issue.

And not just even sex. If your partner just wants to be with you but the frustration, or anger, or the bitterness keeps you from wanting to also, well....

Two things to consider here.

One is that doing is practicing doing, and not doing is practicing not doing. Our reality guides our future.

The other thing is something she mentions about those (mostly women in her therapy experience with clients) who finally do have sex when they didn't at first want to and, that once those women have had sex, usually she says that they report that they actually did in the end enjoy it after all.

This is somewhat similar in many ways to the suicidal bridge jumper who leaps from a bridge and then three quarters of the way down decides that they really do want to live after all. Or if they were stopped from jumping, years later are then so glad that they didn't kill themselves after all, even though they had badly wanted to at the time.

Sometimes we just have to do what we don't want to do, in order to realize what we really did want to do, or that we would later be glad we didn't do something irrevocable, like death.

This is also very much about achieving: losing weight, starting a new project, cleaning the house (maintaining a relationship), or whathaveyou. It is that first step that we are so unmotivated to do, that we most need at times, to do.

One of the things some women (and men) have problems with are issues with it their own bodies.

Between advertising, male oriented just about everything, and puritanism (or religious diatribes against things like healthy sex), women (and some men though that's not as much the issue), need to feel comfortable in their own skin, with their female sexuality and related body parts, as Jane Langton explains in her own TEDx video where she says masturbation is the basis for all human sexuality.

Masturbation. Especially, female masturbation, is important.

Familiarity basically is the issue. To know yourself, to know what you want, what you want your sex partner to do to you, really does help.

Alisa Vitti

In Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change (yes, that is the title), by Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen, she says there are many women who need to learn that, in order to move outward to their relationships with others.

In order to make sex what it should be for them and their partners. Life, is not just something you start out in and can expect it to be what it can be. That only happiness through luck and good decisions, knowledge and trial and error. Information certainly enhances our success rates and decreases unnecessary risks.

Then we have to consider, Is it lust or love, a TEDx by Terri Orcuch. This, is an important one in maintaining relationships. So many relationships dissolve because one is in a love relationship with someone who is in a lust relationship with them. And there are other issues about this. Is one partner seeking love through sex? Are both? Because that is only going to eventually fail.

Finally, Make Love Not Porn (makelovenotport.com) from Cindy Gallop at TEDxOxford. This relates to the premise that porn is sanitized and idealized and not real life sex. Because of that and because some people watch it and think it's real or watch it so much they expect reality to reflect that, it has become (long ago really) a consideration and with her web site, she has done something about that.

Debby Herbenick

I lied. Finally we have, Making Sex Normal, by Debby Herbenick | TEDxBloomington. Sex, is normal. We should treat it as such. We should have some ethics about it and we should treat it like a benefit and certainly not as either a weapon or something to be used lightly and without any thought about it. If you ever use sex as a tool or a weapon, use it with you and your partner both in mind and not just yourself.

What are you doing to make sex normal?

Here's the thing (summation) and it's really fairly simple. We have a wide variety of things available to us in our lives as human beings that we need to know about, to think about, to address correctly and to incorporate properly into our lives.

Live your life, enjoy your life but make it work for you, not against you. Because not infrequently, we are our own worst enemies.

And it just doesn't have to be that way.

#sex #love #seduction #relationahip #TED #TEDx

Will we be dating AI and machines some day?

Futurist Ray Kurzweil: Dating artificial intelligences could be possible within 15 years.

While building a relationship with your AI is reasonable in some ways, it does raise concerns as it could quite easily make human relationships appear at some point to be simply too much trouble, or toxic.

There was a sci fi story that I read many years ago about clone handlers on another planet. One good handler could run up to nine clones in the field, using a kind of technological telepathy, to direct the clones to mine or process product. In the off hours as many did, the protagonist frequented the company supplied brothel. 

There was one sex worker he frequented more than any others until he saw no others. Eventually, he fell in love with this woman, only in the end to realize that "she" was just another clone. This was something the clone handlers found disgusting as they manipulated these every day and felt them a lower form of life, which essentially, they were.

When he found a telepathy tech unit beneath the bed, he finally came to realize that he had fallen in love with himself. He was therefore, more or less having sex with himself by proxy.

My point is that in "dating" an AI type personality, a person would basically be dating themselves. As the AI "earns you it shapes itself to fill in your needs, which would be the ultimate form of what can only be considered technological masturbation; the ultimate form of narcissism. We already have quite enough narcissism in the world, more than we need really, in government, in social environments and in interpersonal relationships.

Part of what makes us human is not that we exactly fulfill one another, but approximate it in as much as we can comfortably handle. It is in part within those differences that we find fulfillment in human relationships. Many times it is the unexpected in the relationship that endears us to someone and not in the exactitude of being complimentary to another personality. As I had posted the other day about music, it is in the "inexactitude" that the true quality and affection of human performed music comes across to us.

Yes, that could all be programmed in, but don't we need technology to bring us closer together and not further apart? We are presently already seeing human relationships, true physically close human relationships, suffering. In some countries, like Japan for instance, there is already gap growing between close intimate contact. True, there are robots now that are giving shut ins fulfillment and that is one thing, and I believe it is a good thing, but it will only speed up what I am talking about.

I just think we need to be careful about this. In my short sci fi story "Simon's Beautiful Thought", his AI does him a great service and if that is how things will go, then good, great, that is how it should work out. Our robots and technologies should aid us and not work against us, or inadvertently through artificial means, increase the distance between human beings. But if they do, where will that leave us,as individuals, or as a race of beings?

I am...a Murderer

I am a murderer. It dawned on me the other day. Murderer.

It's my fault and that makes it thus: I murdered. Kind of by definition.

First let me say when I was younger, I used to blame other people, other things for my difficulties in life. Mostly my parents. And rightly so, as they really screwed things up, and me. But they also gave me things, like genetics and an orientation in life to survive, to succeed. Mostly though I owe my Grandmother, my mother's mother. But still, I moved out of my parent's house (mother and not very well liked step-father from since I was five, in either direction) at seventeen with a chip on my shoulder. Eventually I joined the USAF at twenty. Life was going no where for me and I thought this might turn things around. It did in a way, it didn't, in another way.

Eventually though after the military, during my University years toward getting a degree in Psychology and while working things out with my primary Psych Professor and Adviser, I came to realize that I needed to take responsibility for myself. Actually it was that Prof. who shoved that one down my throat until I finally understood and began to get it. Finally I realized that after I moved out of my parent's house, whatever was wrong or right with me became fully my own responsibility, to blame or to praise. And that was perhaps the biggest revelation in my life. It turned my life around. Failures started to turn into successes. Though I'll have to admit a nod to my mother and her mother for my persistence is surviving nearly anything. A troubled childhood, a difficult adolescence, a difficult decade in my twenties that didn't really stop there. Why? Because the paradigm I had grown up with, was faulty. But that is another story for another time.

So what's this about murder?

My first wife and I ended it on good terms. I was in the end, probably just too young to get married at twenty years of age. But that was only the beginning.

See, I have married three and a half times so far, in my life.

My second (non-wife as we were together long enough at around six years, but we never married) went through our college years with me, before and for a little while after. But that was just never to be in the end. I seem to find relationships end at seminal moments. Like when I got out of the USAF. And when my University years were over. Then things changed.

Divorcing the first time had traumatized me and I never wanted to do that to another. Regardless of whose fault it was. That first time had been my desire to marry and later my desire to divorce since it had just stopped working. It wasn't my fault, it wasn't her fault, it was our fault. But my second long term relationship was doomed to failure.

My (legally) second wife said she had really wanted me from the start, no matter what, from the time she first saw me, she later said she was going to have me. I on the other hand, wasn't interested. Not so much because of her, but because I had recently been run through the wringer after my University years and the preceding military years and by this time I had really had it with romantic relationships.

From the TV show, "Elementary", words spoken by the modern times, Sherlock Holmes character:

"I've lived most of my life with the firm conviction that romantic love is a delusion. It's a futile hedge against the existential terror that is our own singularity."

He then goes on to say that he then went on to meet a woman he fell in love with, who turned out to be, a criminal, the modern day, Moriarty. To which he said he now feels, liberated on the topic.

So I was taking a break when my second wife found me. Still, she put her mind to getting me in any way she could. And testament to perseverance and desire, she got me.

My third wife, loved me a lot. I loved her a lot. But in the end, she loves herself more than anyone. Still, in her universe, I had murdered...us.

See I didn't live up to her expectations of me. I didn't fulfill the concept, of who she thought I was. I broke her view of who I seemed to be and so in the end, I killed that view she held of me. It wasn't very long after, that the marriage ended, and well, I had murdered it.

I murdered it for my last wife, my next to the last wife, my unwife (the point five wife, as we had lived together a long enough for common law though we don't have that in Washington state, but I figured she earned, deserved, at least a half listing as a wife).

But still, I am a murderer.

I murdered my marriages. I murdered another's self delusions and misinterpretations of who I was. Who I was supposed to be, to them. Who they needed me to be. Was that their fault? Was it mine? Was it my responsibility to live up to who they expected me to be, even if I didn't fully know, or realize who that person was? Maybe.

Because when you take on another person as your responsibility, and when you marry, you are, isn't it at least somewhat your responsibility too? Isn't that the reason to be really damn sure of what you are getting into when you marry? Maybe that is why so many are choosing now a days not to marry but to simply live together.

So in a way I had murdered. I had murdered multiple times, multiple relationships.

Perhaps if I had known more fully who I was but more importantly almost, who others perceived me to be, and specifically who I was perceived to be by the women in my life, perhaps then I could say that I was responsible and had lived up to those expectations.

Because mostly, and this is the weird part, I was who those women thought I was. But not in the way they thought I was. Mostly from what I could later deduce, they saw things, saw me, in black and white. And I see things in various shades of grey.

My last wife actually stated it in those words, saying: "Life IS black and white." to which I responded, "No, no it isn't. Life is various shades of grey. Life is complicated. It's easier to live life as if it were black and white, but that is missing so much of what is going on. It is missing making the best decisions possible. It is setting yourself up for failure in the future. It is a temporary fix seeing things as black and white, an easy effort to come to a quick conclusion for something that may work for now, but in the future will turn on you and ruin your plans."

Okay, I didn't say all that. I just said I disagreed and that I saw things as various shades of grey.

My point?

I have been taking time off from relationships for a while. Trying to see who I was, what I was doing. So that next time, if there is a next time, I will chose more correctly. I will have more to bring to the relationship rather than needing someone to "complete me". One of the stupidest things to think a relationship will do for you. First, you need to bring a whole person to the relationship, to add to it, not take away from it to "complete you". That, is just a drain on the relationship doomed to failure.

Next time I decide to enter into a relationship, I will take my time on who I choose to spend my time with and who I allow to spend their time with me so as not to waste their valuable life time. Because their decision is in part my decision too. I will use a different set of criteria for making these decisions. I will give more weight to what they need and if they are looking for me to "complete them". Because if they are, I'm running the other way.

Actually, I will politely beg off and walk away with my (and their) dignity still attached.

And because, I don't want to be a murderer anymore.