Understanding Life

I find with so many things that they can be misunderstood, misconstrued and misinterpreted.

This however, is not one of them....

Moving along...I have grown through my life wanting things. I've been told, that is bad. A bad thing to do. And yet, no matter what I try to do, I still seem to do them.

I grew up in Catholicism and found it lacking. Sorely, lacking. I tried many other forms of religion, philosophy (which really, was the start off all this and a brother to psychology which my degree is in), and sociology (a much larger version of psychology).

I settled upon, Buddhism. Very possibly, not a Buddhism you would know or think of. Or maybe possibly so.

I'm not a ritualist, though I understand its usefulness. In any form of theism or philosophy, there is fat. It needs to be trimmed. In writing we have a theory, when you finish your final draft, cut 10% more.

So it is with other forms and disciplines.

I always wanted to be someone who works on computers. I did that. I always wanted to be a Webmaster. I did that. I wanted to be a technical writer. I did that. I wanted to be a writer and author. I've done that.

I wanted to own my own car. My own house, trees, acreage, my own... other things. I've done all that. As a child I wanted to own a mansion, to have servants who waited on me, to own a swimming pool, much acreage, a motorcycle (did that repeatedly), a boat, a plane (I learned to fly and skydive for that matter but my wife wouldn't let me get a plane for some reason, well, we're divorced now).

Then, I realized something.

All my life people said that was all bad. I have seen many stories of people who were materialistic, who became rich, and then were miserable. Donald Trump once said about that, that he knows many rich people and they all seem to be quite happy. Perhaps it's a tail only told by the poor?

Or I've known people who only wanted to sleep around, or to be considered the best in a field, or...whathaveyou.

But then, I realized it.

Speaking only for myself of course, I realized something about all of that. It wasn't that I wanted those things... forever. It wasn't (possibly) that others wanted those things... forever. It was that they wanted to break out of their pigeonhole, into the next level, to experience it, to tire of it, then to move on to another better challenge. Most of them perhaps, simply didn't realize that.

It is those who achieved those things and then sat and did nothing, who were the miserable ones.

I also think these are one of the primary reasons for many to seek out things like religion, philosophy, a guru, extreme sports even, or a therapist.

When really all they need to do is to consider what I'm saying here and follow through.

Of those who realized that and strove to achieve more, what was their choice in continuing on their quest for the next better thing? Did that then in the end make them miserable, too? After all, some people will just always be displeased, always. Avoid those types. On the other hand, it's good to want to achieve more and better, if handled properly. We should always after all, strive to improve, but recognize your achievements and appreciate your efforts for therein lay some of the pleasure.

Or, did they chose the right thing as the next step in the path?

Sometimes the next greater thing, after you hit a certain point, isn't the next obvious step up, but a step away from it. Sometimes, the next step is an oblique to your path, or a reversal.

We just have to realize that in our lives that what we sometimes think is the next step up, only goes so high. One needs to realize when it's time to shift direction. It is those who never see that and then continue on in the same direction always and forever, who suffer.

Those others who see the shifting tides, who can fathom the finest paths to freedom, are the ones who never experience the gloom of satiation and so go on to continue with lives fulfilled with freedom and experience.

That, can be you too.

Higher Achieving Kids in College, Ethnic, or Cultural?

Yale Law Professors who wrote "The Triple Package, The Three Unlikely Traits That Explain The Rise And Fall Of Cultural Groups In America", Amy Chua ("TigerMom") and husband, Jed Rubenfeld say in their book there are three environmentally oriented traits that are important:

1 a sense of specialness,
2 insecurity/self esteem (not to an unhealthy degree though), and,
3 impulse control.

Those studied with these traits do seem to do better than other groups or individuals without these things. At first it looked like this was an ethnic divide. Until they dug a little deeper.

A thirty year old experiment took children, gave them a marshmallow, asked them to wait fifteen minutes to eat it, and if they did wait, they would get another. Tracking these children over time, the ones with the impulse control were found to achieve higher degrees of success then the others.

So, I would suggest taking your child, offering them something they want, but waiting to have it with a reward of more, and if they can do it, great. But if they cannot do it, start giving them practice on building their impulse control until they can.

The other two elements are easy, let them know they are special, but be reasonable and rational about it. If the child doesn't believe that for good reason, help them to overcome that which makes that belief unreasonable for them. As for insecurity / self esteem, they need to have a desire to achieve, not to feel they are useless or horrible or their parents don't appreciate them; I find this one the hardest to consider.

Let's just say that someone very close to me in my past has these things, but to a degree that I believe is unhealthy. She achieved things, big things, but at the cost of personal relationships with others and her husband and children and in the end, things haven't seemed to work out so well. Why? I'd argue that we need to achieve, to persevere, we need to accomplish and to think well of ourselves; that is, to know that we are special. We also have to enjoy ourselves, and appreciate the journey, not just the destination.

The concept of "putting one's head down and blazing forward", working with little distraction, is destructive and an easy choice for many. Life isn't that simple. One has to stop and look around, consider, then adjust goals and direction.

Consider a ship Captain, leaving port, aiming for another port, then full speed ahead, no course adjustments. He'd never get to his destination and it would be destructive for the ship, the crew, the cargo and, himself.

Knowing this information is valuable however. Though it appears to be racial at first, it's not, it's environmental. After three generations, these immigrant families have assimilated to where they are not extraordinary any longer. So the argument for environmental orientation carries a lot of weight. Speaking of weight, these groups seem to pick up the laziness and weight gain of other Americans, albeit it, if not quite to the same degree, at first, that we know of.

We have a long way to go, but I will say that knowing something as important as the three traits necessary to achieve higher success, is an important piece of knowledge. As for the sloughing off after a few generations, that too is environmental and America will just need to start paying attention, and trying harder.

Not really a big surprise to anyone.

We have for some time now needed to adjust our thinking. To lose weight. Re-order our priorities and stop feeling quite so entitled. Entitlement should come from hard work and doing what is right. That being said, last year for the first time, childhood obesity rates are on the decline. Maybe finally, we are on the road to reclaiming our perceived, "greatness".

12 Steps to Self Care

This saccharine graphic, "12 Steps to Self Care", to living your life, has been making its way around Facebook. I'm sure it was meant well but it is so basic as to almost be useless. For these elements to be useful requires a degree of reading more into them than they offer here. As they are, they are simply too general. Which really is the point of these things, unless they become too general when they can become counterproductive.

These steps to "self care" imply that they aren't concerned about anything else; except you. However, in taking that tact, they can themselves become negative. Nothing is black and white in life and if you think they are, you are misleading yourself, doing yourself a disservice and setting yourself up for failure.

Ordering these elements up and seeing their limitations is as important as their original intent. On the surface they are useless. But they do hold a measure of help with a bit of help. So here is that bit of help.

1 If it feels wrong, don't do it.

 Okay, but working for a company every work day feels totally wrong to me. Should I quit? If I did, I would lose my house. I'd have no where to live. Be of no use to anyone else. Sometimes you have to do what feels wrong and yet it is the right thing to do. So how do you decide what you should do? Life, is all about balance.

2 Say "exactly" what you mean.

 This one, can get you killed. It refers to transparency. If I were to say exactly what I mean much of the time, it could affect my life and lifestyle poorly. However, if I try hard to be clear to others and communicate more rather than less clearly, with some degree of restraint in my honesty, with an attempt to be politic (gentle) in my dealings with others, but truly honest and heartfelt, there will be less ambiguity in my life and in dealings with others. Life, is all about balance.

3 Don't be a "people pleaser".

 Pleasing people is how one networks and sets oneself up for success in life. But to do it to excess, to get in a habit of constantly sacrificing oneself for pleasing others, will certainly be destructive. Please people whenever appropriate, when it falls in line with who you are and how you want to be, and how you want others to relate to you. Life, is about balance.

4 Trust your instincts.

 If you have good instincts in life and find you are not trusting them, and that things in your life are not going well, then trust them more. When your instincts become wrong on a continuous basis, then what? Review your internal and external existence and compare those to what you want out of life and how much you are using your instincts and adjust accordingly. Life, is about balance.

5 Never speak bad about yourself.

 Aside from questionable grammar, this can lead to delusional thought. Letting others know that you know where you are bad (or good) is useful, and can gain you a very valuable commodity, Trust. Be honest about yourself, be open. But work to make better what is bad about yourself. People seeing that you are aware and bettering yourself, progressing, give one another valuable commodity, Faith, in your abilities and your character. Self deprecating humor can be entertaining, it can relieve tense situations, it can be... endearing. But too much can be detrimental to you and how others perceive you. Stretching the truth to make oneself look good is one thing and useful, but breaking from reality becomes lying and negative and can come back around to cause you grief. Life, is about balance.

6 Never give up on your dreams.

 Better still, know when to give up on your dreams. Dreams don't just happen, they usually require hard work... and time. Time and effort are important elements in life to achieve anything. But you also have to take time to enjoy your efforts on the way to achieving your dreams. Otherwise you will burn out and never get to your goals. Life, is about balance.

7 Don't be afraid to say "No". 

 Better to be "concerned" about saying "No", while being able to say it when necessary. Still, don't always say "No" either. I have found that saying "Yes" more often than not, is useful in life, too. But as with anything, don't get addicted to it. Life, is about balance.

8 Don't be afraid to say "Yes".

 Like with saying "No", it is better to be "concerned" about saying "Yes", while being able to say it when necessary. Still, don't always say "Yes", either. Life, is about balance.

9 Be kind to yourself.

 This is probably the most important of all of these. Just be aware of whether your being kind to yourself is far out of proportion to what it is costing those around you. Is your being kind to yourself costing others at a degree far outweighing any justification you could openly make? Do you shun being nice to yourself? Life, is about balance.

10 Let go what you can't control.

 This is important as it goes along with "Never give up on your dreams". Sometimes, you should. But to give up on your dreams can also lead one to giving up too soon on them, as dreams are typically achieved after that point at which one wants to give up, even multiple times. Life, is about balance.

11 Stay away from drama & negativity.

 In general this is good advice, but if everyone always shunned drama and negativity, what would the world look like? Surviving drama and negativity also makes us stronger, smarter, it shows us ways to avoid them in the future. But being around too much drama and negativity is sooner or later destructive and sucks the energy out of one's life. Life, is about balance.

12 LOVE

 Let the feeling of love into your life. But don't let it become all consuming or the drug you are always chasing. Also, don't try to keep it from you simply because it can lead to pain. Experiencing love in life is what gives life it's fullness, it is the reward for all the rest and avoiding it is removing one of the most rewarding features of life, from life. Life is, after all, about balance.


In the end, we really don't need to know all these things. One simply needs balance in life and when one finds that life has come out of balance, then alter whatever it is you have been doing. Be aware that at that point however, altering things usually requires altering them to the point that it is at least at first, uncomfortable. Usually to the point that at first it seems like the counter-intuitively wrong thing to do.

That is when the twelve elements mentioned above can be useful. But you will find at some point that what it all comes back down to is that Life is, after all, about balance.