Showing posts with label filmmaking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label filmmaking. Show all posts

Thursday, June 27, 2024

Walkabout Thoughts #91

Thoughts & Stream of Consciousness, rough and ready, from an award-winning filmmaker and author you’ve never heard of, while walking off long Covid, and listening to podcasts…walking day: Tuesday, June 25, 2024.

Weather for the day… nice day, starting out, 62° with no wind and blue sky 71° when back at home.

Podcast is WTF? Marc Maron with Jewel Episode 1550 - Jewel
I have to say, I loved Jewel when she first hit the airwaves. Great voice, attractive, talented. She seemed to disappear for a while, off and on. I saw her recently on a Roast of Rob Lowe from 7 years ago when she was awesome (Nikki Glaser kicked ass, as usual), and now on this podcast. This is an amazing person and an amazing podcast episode! Fell in love with her on this podcast all over again. Intelligent, wise...very interesting interview.

Also this: Ride with the Devil (film) 1999 US revisionist Western film dir. by Ang Lee starring Tobey Maguire, Skeet Ulrich, Jeffrey Wright, Jewel in her feature film debut, also Simon Baker, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, James Caviezel
Based Woe to Live On, by Daniel Woodrell


I wrote in my last blog about Jason Lockhart playing the role of "Rowan" in my film "Gumdrop". a short horror. I was saying how he was fulfilling the function that the character Luca Brasi did in The Godfather. So I messaged Jason on Facebook and he wrote back saying that he thought it was his best work as an actor in my film. I also really liked his work other works with Kelly Hughes, especially their short film Green State.

Anyway, I worked with Jason on a few of Kelly’s films. I think my most enjoyable and memorable one was Kelly's seemingly never-ending project he started years ago that I believe he had titled "Suffer of Witch" (or was it "Mephisto Box"?), but it has had several titles.

We had a day of shooting at a church on Capitol Hill in Seattle. Prior to that Kelly and I had held auditions for potential actors at a venue in Seattle El Corazon (it was the Off Ramp when I used to go there in the late 1980s. I’ve never taken auditions from actors before although I had been sent out on them myself.

We had a baby and needed some extra money so I signed up with Mode Talent Agency back in 89 or 90, who sent me out on some auditions. One was for a thug character of three. Tyne Daily of Cagney and Lacey after that series had ended in 1988 was going to be in a movie, Face of a Stranger. She played a homeless woman that another woman, Gena Rowlands, befriends. In the film, Tyne gets beat up by three street thugs. I was vying to do that. I thought, how cool to be in a movie where you get to beat up "Lacey"? Alas, I didn’t get the part. 

I remember another audition for I think Maxwell House coffee? It was for a guy having lunch in a restaurant and the gig was that he turns around and gave a really strange look at somebody. This was my first audition ever so the producer said to face the wall (that threw me off), and then to just turn my head around and look at the camera and give me the weirdest look I could come up with.

I was ready for just about anything, but that one left me stumped. But she was very nice and repeated herself saying to just give a weird look, don't worry about it, just have fun with it. So I did it. She had me do it a few times and then said thank you and the next person came in and I headed out. I didn't expect to get the gig. I was correct.

It was a while later while I was watching TV when I saw the commercial. The guy they chose for the part did a good job, I’ll give him that. But how fun would that have been?

Anyway, I didn’t last long with Mode Talent. But it wasn't anything I did wrong.

The owner and lead agent had to take a trip to New York or somewhere. He was gone for a week or two. He left the company in charge of his two female underlings. Big mistake.


According to hi, they really screwed his business over. The first time I went in there he said he really liked my look. He took a headshot got some info about my skills, and experience and put it on the back. He said, you know I really think we could send you to the Stephen Seagal people. As a stand in or something, you look just like him from the back. I said, Yeah? Well, whatever.

It was a few years after that when I was commuting to and working in Seattle. I was walking to work along 1st Avenue from the ferry (to Bainbridge Island, we lived just off there in Suquamish) when one of those “duck “amphibious vehicle tours vehicles (now defunct) that we used to see around Seattle. I heard the loudspeaker saying something to the tour group as they went by about Steven Seagal. I had a ponytail at the time as I do now. I looked over and everybody was looking at me. It honestly didn’t make me happy.

I was once a big fan of Steven Seagal, back when his first movie, Above the Law (1988, Director, Andrew Davis. Writers, Andrew Davis, Steven Seagal, Steven Pressfield) came out. Partially because he was an Aikido master. Also because he was bodyguard to the stars (how he met his second wife) and how he got a introduction to being in a film.

I know a lot of people thought his action on screen was fake. It was, but it wasn't. As I heard it, the reason he looks so weird on camera fighting is that they had to slow his action down so much since the camera wasn’t capturing what he was doing, which subverts your technique. They had to come up with another form of fighting which was unfair as far as critiquing his fight scenes.

My understanding of him now is he seems to be kind of a bully. I had first taken Aikido 1980 as a gym class in college. I had done various martial arts, initially Isshinryu Karate which I had started in 1965.

The thing that made me love Steven Seagal so much when I first saw him in a movie, Above the Law, was that I was so sick of the lazy screenwriting and situations where the good guy comes into a bad guy with a weapon at an innocent hostage's throat or a gun or whatever, and tells the cop to put their gun down. Then the cop puts it down! Give me a break!

Seagal was in a scene like that, but then he just kills the criminal! The first time I saw that movie I literally cheered in my living room. Having studied Aikido, I knew what he was doing in his films. Some of my friends made fun of what he was doing and I'd have to tell them it may look weird or wimpy, but it's highly effective. 

Years later, I was finally living near an Aikido dojo for the first time. We were living in Squamish, Washington and my wife saw there was one nearby in Kingston, where one of the the ferries were. The dojo had started at the community center but eventually, moved to Poulsbo, which was 4 miles from our house back then.

Eventually, I ended up on their board of directors for the nonprofit educational school, dojo. Very nice group of people and I much preferred Aikido over any other martial art I've done. Yes, there may be tougher ones. But then you don’t understand the history of it the history of its founder Morihei Ueshiba, O’Sensei.

I had read everything about Aikido I could get my hands on. I became the dojo historian of sorts by default. When our Sensei was instructing a class and referred back to something in Aikido history, he got into the habit of looking at me to expand on what he was saying and I would tell the class what I knew about that technique or history. 

Eventually, I redesigned and ran the website because I was doing that for a living, as well as being a server administrator and other things back then for a four state Blue Shield company.


Getting back to Steven Seagal, my first break with him as a kind of martial arts or filmic hero was when I heard he had married Kelly LeBroc. eveEry guy I knew after Weird Science came out was a fan of hers, for obvious reasons.

The fact that Steven Seagal had married her, gave him big points with all of us. Until they divorced and she was interviewed on some news show on TV. When asked about what happened to her marriage, the distant blank look on her face said it all to me.

Something very bad had happened to this woman. And that I believe fell directly on her ex-husband. Over the years I kept hearing some very impressive or disturbing things about him. His history in how he ended up in Japan is fascinating. He married the daughter of a sensei who owned a dojo and held his own in Japan. Which especially back then was a hard thing for a white boy from Lansing, Michigan to do.

I kept hearing reports of him on film sets, basically being an abusive Aikidoist. Stuntman didn’t like working with him because he didn’t seem to know how to pull his punches. Or maybe he just didn't want to. I get the feeling he enjoyed it.

When you watch the documentary put out by his dojo, they talk about the hardstyle he taught in Aikido. Stephen Seagal himself says he followed O’Sensei’s original harder style. Originally having any evolved out of the martial art Samurai used. As opposed to my original Isshinryu Karate from Okinawa which was designed to protect legally disarmed farmers who were forced to use farm equipment because that’s all they had, inorder to occasionally protect themselves from fully armed samurai.

I don’t know if Seagal could’ve ever been a great actor, but he could’ve been a great Sensei had he not had such an ego. Some of the reports of women speaking out against him and men complaining about him seem to have to had some truth in it.

I can’t even watch his movies anymore, not for decades now. I liked his first few movies done by Warner Bros. Once he went independent, there’s a good movie here or there, but I lost interest. His reality TV series, Steven Seagal Lawman, was interesting about being a cop. 

Starting mile two, it's starting to get warm out.

Anyway, getting back to Mode Talent Agency. While the owner was gone, the two women were apparently borrowing money from clients and not paying them back. Bad enough they'd borrow money from clients, but to not pay it back? Sleezy. 

My wife at the time, my oldest son's mother, was an artist and a gourmet cook. She had painted a sweatshirt for me that I wore into Mode Talent one day. One of the attractive women running things in the owner's absence, really liked it. She asked if my wife would paint one for her, of her. So I went back and asked my wife who said sure, for $50. I told the woman and she agreed. My wife painted it and one day handed it to me and said not to let it go until I had money in hand.

I got down to Mode and I gave the woman the sweatshirt who just loved it!. She started to give me a line about how she’d pay me later. But I said I can’t and that I was told not to release it without funds in hand. She tried to parlay into paying as little as possible. But I stuck to my guns. Reluctantly, she wrote me a check and reluctantly, I accepted it. But I'm happy to report the check did not bounce.

After I hadn’t heard from Mode in a while, I called them and the owner answered. I said I hadn’t heard from them in a while and he profusely apologized saying things were a mess. He explained the two women he left in charge had been fired and he was trying to salvage the mess they had left him with.

He said they had pretty much ruined his business and told me some of the horror stories of his clients who had gotten ripped off. I told him my story about the sweatshirt and assured him I had been paid, but only because I refused to release the sweatshirt. Eventually, we hung up, amicably. I liked the guy. I never heard back from him, and that was the end of my audition career. I wondered if they had just gone out of business.

On that Kelly Hughes audition day in Seattle, I found pretty interesting and educational. He had been doing auditions of actors since the 90s when he had a weekly half-hour movie of the week that he produced at Viacom public access cable TV on Roosevelt Street, just north of Seattle.

Which was how we met online when he found that I had produced my Lost in Space documentary there around the same time he was starting to work out of there around 1993.

I had recently met my next wife-to-be back then, unbeknownst to me at the time. Just before I had finished editing my film. I would get off work downtown Seattle and drive up for an edit session and then make the commute south in the dark, to Auburn where my girlfriend was living. I had moved in with her as I seemed to be there all the time anyway, and eventually got rid of my apartment in the Sand Point area just up the street from Magnussen Park

I finished my film and in February 1994 by contract, it was cablecast around the greater Seattle area, twice.

When Kelly saw online at Stage32 (a member since 2012), a site for indie filmmakers, that I had also worked at Viacom, he said I should come to meet him and Jason and another actor Greg, at CryptiCon. It was at the Seattle Hilton in SeaTac, south of Seattle. I had been there for the 2nd  ZomBcon (previously having attended the 1st ZomBcon in Seattle with my oldest son), which was also at that Hilton. So I felt familiar.

I did and we had a great time and the rest is history.

Getting back to the auditions… Kelly had me and another guy. I think it might’ve been his friend Spanky from Dead Vampires a band from the 90s. 80s and 90s maybe?

Kelly was doing interviews/auditions by himself and had us standing downstairs greeting and wrangling the actors as they arrived. Until I went upstairs and said that I’m not there as a gopher but to learn about auditions from the director's perspective.

He seemed surprised but said, OK have a seat. I’m glad I did that because it was fascinating and he has a good hand for picking unique actors. One got stuck in reading a scene and Kelly gave him a way to act that broke the actor out of his stall and he did a great read. I was impressed by that. He had few good actors. In particular one established actress. Also, a few brand-new actors who turned out to be very good. We had the late great Jennifer True on that set. I used her as voice actor for some off-screen vocals in my own film later on ("Gumdrop", a short horror). Miss you Jennifer...

There was one actress with her mother who was watching us like hawks and didn't want to leave her teen daughter in a room alone with us. We offered for her to stand in the hallway, out of sight of her daughter's vision, with the door open and that satisfied her. You just don't want a parent messing up an actor's reading because of being self-conscious or something. Plus, the director needs to feel free enough to work with the actor without feeling self-conscious themself. The girl did really well and got used for the film.

Kelly had picked one actor, Noel T Austin, who was a very interesting character. He also did body suspension art. And he was interesting-looking guy. 

I remember Kelly’s friend who played the doctor in the film, Ernie (Ernest Rhoads, AKA, "Hellen Bed") and I were in the main part of the church upstairs. while Kelly was filming a “group therapy session“ in the basement. I think I played two characters in that group therapy scene. I just changed my clothes with one of me wearing a hoodie on my head with my head down the whole time and holding myself and a coffee cup like I was strung out.

While he was doing that, we were trying to give Noel directions upstairs. He was sitting in a pew with a straight jacket on, stressing out a bit about how he was going to act out the scene. So we offered him some advice basically trying to help him relax.

So when Kelly finally shot the scene, we thought Noel was very good. Kelly thought it all well very smoothly, until I mentioned to him the 45 minutes Ernie and I had spent with prepping him.

I also acted as "sound" on set that day. That church had no heat on. There’s one scene where the doctor (Ernie)  and a character are walking down a flight of stairs. You can’t see below their waist, but if you could, you would’ve seen me lying on the ground with a digital recorder, recording the dialogue and steps as they walked.

A couple days later, I got really sick from being on that set. For whatever reason. We do suffer for our art, if we do it right, at times. But I'd avoid the suffering when possible. Research has shown it's just unnecessary. At least we don’t let it stop us, which is doing it right. It's just how you have to do it.

I still haven’t auditioned any actors for any of my films. I used to run the projector and show our family films when I was a little kid, did any splicing needing to be done. I’ve always been fascinated by film and cinema. Got a great education of sorts from the European auteur director's movies who were shown on PBS in the 1960s and early '70s.

My first film I produced at Western Washington University on phenomenology for two of my psychology professors. My second was the Lost in Space 25th anniversary documentary I did at Viacomm. I could’ve used their equipment, but I used my own. Again, I should’ve used their equipment, but you had to sign it in and out, as massive pain in the neck. Especially if the equipment was unavailable when you needed it.

And then digital editor broke and they had to ship it to California. It didn't come back until a month later. When I showed up to edit one day, they said just to use one of the other editing bays, but none of the other VHS editing machines would work with my master tape. So I had to wait. I should’ve seen the signs.

Eventually, the editor came back and my master tape worked on it. When it was cablecast, I sat at home watching it and about 80% of the music I had put on the soundtrack couldn’t be heard. Then in the credits, there is a big list of music which had to leave people wandering...WTF?

So that was seen by the public in early 1994. An art film and a documentary under my belt at that point. Then in 2019, my oldest son was living downstairs with his girlfriend in basically a separate apartment in our big house I was renting after we sold our home of 15 years. I suggested we shoot a film. He thought it would be fun.

So I wrote an eight-minute film. Just a POC, proof of concept that I thought I could actually produce. It was a lot of fun. Two years in that house, then he moved to another town and I moved a mile away to a smaller house that was cheaper and where I got the idea to shoot Gumdrop.

Getting back to auditions, I skipped them and simply stole some of Kelly‘s actors and friends. The guy who took care of my rental house when I moved to Bremerton, Tom, we got to be friends. He’s the one who found the house I live in now, because he lived in it years ago.

The previous tenant they kicked out of here before me, hadn’t paid rent in months, had three big dogs that destroyed the yard and wrecked the house. So Tom and I spent July 2018 remodeling the house. I moved in and started paying rent in August.

Skipping forward to Gumdrop, Tom and I got to be close working for a month on that house in the heat, sweating and painting, fixing things and going to lunch and talking. 

Actually, I had used him as a voice actor on my audiobooks at the previous house. So we kinda got used to working together on my having him read my writings as I directed him. He had actually studied voice acting in school. Kelly Hughes had studied, I think something similar in school. His podcasts, Rising Star are well done. Both of these are after they graduated high school

Tom was interested in acting in the film and suggested his son, who he suggested his kids. As I'd acquired some of Kelly’s stable actors, no auditions needed.

I have to say I was amazed how good Tom was and double surprised about his son. I love the scenes of the two of them together in the film. I almost feel like there were two lead actors.

So that’s my situation with auditions. I have been on them professionally. I have experienced them through a Kelly Hughes production. I do believe the quality of your actors as well as the quality of your soundtrack music really elevates your film without you doing any extra work.

Starting my 3rd mile...

Damn voice-to-text and the notepad on my phone are pretty problematic. I tried to go to the top to type something as I have trouble getting there, I have to scroll forever up (or down). Just simply touched the screen and suddenly I was at the top of the screen. Then had to scroll all the way back to the bottom.

Or I have voice-to-text issues that I cannot get right and I have to do it manually. One of my biggest issues in editing this when I get home is correcting voice-to-text errors. Granted, some of those are my fault. Some of those are because of ambient noise or wind but a lot of times it’s just me wishing for better software.

And I do now do this using my Apple Airpods.

Apologies to Jewel and Marc Maron on their podcast episode today. My listening to podcasts on this thing just kind of happened. I couldn’t think of things to say for a blog so I thought I’d listen to podcasts and when I had a flash of a thought, I'd write it out to share with people. 

That worked out really well, except for the political podcasts in post-production editing made me think I’m somebody’s crazy uncle. The confusing thing for some is sometimes I use satire and it’s not recognized. Or I go over the top because I’m annoyed by how abused reality has become. We all make mistakes But then whatever I find is incorrect. I correct it

I’m hoping as all should, that in this election Trump loses, and hopefully goes to prison. Preferably to end his life there, one way or another. I can drop the political podcasts then, although I will still stay apprised of what’s going on in the world. We have to. And then I can find more art and creator-based podcasts.

I’m a fan of the show Hacks, as you may know and I listen to their podcast, which is awesome. Non sequitur...

I got up this morning to watch The Daily Show. Very much looking forward to seeing Jon Stewart again on his Monday show that I watch on Tuesday morning, off my DVR. And guess what? This time no Jon Stewart!

I thought the episode was very good but there’s only one Jon Stewart. So where the hell was he? The thing that really annoys me and I believe is one of the tenets of Purpleism is when you’re going to do a switch on your audience, have the decency to address it with them! And on the last night's show, they didn’t mention a word about where Jon was.

On the health front last night, I was watching “Crime“ the Scottish police procedural with Dougray Scott. Series two is getting good. I wanted something to munch so rather than make a whole bag of popcorn, I have these tasty crackers I use for meat and cheese. I just munched on a few of those.

Then I woke up too early this morning. Didn’t take any melatonin last night to get to sleep, which is a success. Though I woke up too early. I put on NPR to doze to and then woke up again later and felt very weird.

Very weird like am I dying, weird? Wasn’t anything intense, but I could feel the blood in my veins and it felt like my heart was beating slow and low maybe? I couldn’t tell if it was high blood pressure. I didn’t think so, but something was not right.

I thought, what the hell, take half of Benadryl, which is my go-to remedy. The feeling I had at the time was if I had to go to the ER or have the paramedics over for a visit? I didn't think Benadryl could fix this.

But within 10 or 15 minutes? I felt normal again. So it was I guess histamine levels and the Benadryl did their magic. A lot of Covid has to do with histamine issues. For more on that you can read my book “Suffering Long Covid“. My son told me today their store just sold out of them and so I ordered them some more. I also got notified my screenplay "The Teenage Bodyguard" was an official selection at the Cinematography and Photography Awards in London. Two very nice things today. Moving on...


While I feel like I’m over long Covid now, I'm unsure. Is it one of those diseases that goes away by half-life? If you know anything about atomic structures, if something last for 10 years, its half-life is five years, and so on and so forth by half until...who knows?

If you keep doing that, there can be no end to it. It just gets so minimized that for all intents and purposes it no longer exists.

The alternative is that long Covid is gone, but damaged something or tweaked something, typically a dormant virus and so now you’re stuck with that issue.

Certainly, some people have been damaged by Covid and died from it or are permanently damaged by it. Either their brain, or heart, their vagus nerve, or blood system, or some organ(s).

I think I addressed this the other day that the scary things about long Covid is the unknown and having no effect to reproduce a remedy. Oddly Benadryl has often proven to be that remedy.

Another eminent one is hydrating yourself. When I started feeling better on the Benadryl this morning, I drank some more water. I had drunk some water but it didn’t do anything. After the Benadryl can only help.

I just passed 2.5 mile marker...

My last blog went live at 6 AM today which is the normal time. I blasted it out to social media, the title, the link, a few hashtags and trying to figure out how I get people to understand what my walkabout thoughts blog is about and what each individual episode or article is about. That’s been a real conundrum. You can put tags in each blog posted. I also put hashtags in most of the time when I posting.

I was looking at the analytics on my blog today, which are new to me, they'd updated them, and I went back and looked at my blog and scrolled down and on the right. I forgot I had a word cloud. I got this idea of. I’ll take a screenshot of that and included with my social media blast for today’s blog.


So we’ll see how that works out. I mean, if you’re kind enough to click on my link to my blog but don’t know who I am or what the blog is about, right at the top. As you know, it says this is just random shit from some crazy person walking and listening to podcasts. But it’s also turned a little bit into an autobiography of my life and craft.

My son and I have long been talking about AI and being able to talk to miss loved ones who have died. I know he could use it. It would be nice if he had me talk to after I’m gone. I do believe AI will be able to be pointed at something online or feed it a bunch of data and it will be able to re-create a person from that that will seem oddly and disturbingly real.

I've forever wanted to submit all my writings and see what the common thread would be according to be analyzed, but I can’t afford that. But AI would be doable. Soon, I'm sure.

I've put a lot of my beliefs and understandings into this blog since 2010. Eventually I could point an AI at my blog alone and have it generate a reasonable favatar of myself that my sons could one day talk after I’m gone.

I don’t think that would be possible for me with my grandmother who was my primary ethical and intellectual guide and mentor. Or my mother who, as I grew up, seemed to fade after the loss first of her dad, as she was a daddy’s girl...he was never around, always traveling the world. Then losing her youngest son, my younger brother which seem to snap her mind. It was ugly and took a year or two of his dying from liver cancer, five years before the first successful liver transplant.

And then her mother died, my grandmother, second mother, and sometimes primary in many ways.

We don’t have lots of data and information about people like that online or available. That was before the internet. I was on the Internet in about 1987 and then I worked in the internet and IT field for nearly 30 years. I may be a contender for an AI avatar. Perhaps one of the first cohort viable for that.

Anyway, we’ve got interesting things coming to us all soon and it’s going to hit us faster than we expect.

I think we need a new law t ofhat orders any political party to have to have a platform with some basic tenets country before party, because all the Republican Party is now is party before country, Trump before party. It’s killing democracy, it’s killing the cohesion among citizens and it’s seemingly trying to end America.

One of the reasons for these walks is to get back in shape after four years of Covid and long Covid and certainly aafter a bad winter and spring for me this year. But also the blog in  speaking and recording and editing. It’s a lot of editing to put this blog online and I’m only doing one readthrough… but that’s also getting me in shape for creative works. It’s making me want to finish my film companion book for my documentary and that’s really important, because I have a lot of new projects I want to get working on. I just need to wrap up the previous ones.

OK, I’ll shut up and listen to Marc and Jewel.

Well, this is interesting. Marc is talking about doing a show in Seattle because he’s based in Vancouver, British Columbia now for shooting a movie. He goes home to LA every once in a while. But he said he’s walking around Seattle this week and saying that it looks trashed and beaten down, or maybe it’s just where he’s located

Maybe?

Seattle’s always been that way in some areas. With some pretty parts. But one of the reasons many of us moved out of Seattle, and I really loved living in Seattle, and my oldest son was born there. But what we’ve seen because of Amazon and Google and others... many of my friends ended up working there… they turned the city into what it is today.

Many of us who still live there, or those who moved out, have complained about how the once cool spirit of Seattle is kind of gone while now it’s all shiny and such. I don’t know, bro culture? Not really but you get the idea. Gentrification everywhere. Many of the cool venues are gone now replaced by shiny new buildings.

Almost has that coolness anymore replacd by the new and shiny factor.

So I’m wondering was Marc downtown by Pioneer Square, maybe south of that? Because that’s like industrial and it’s kind of cool but a different kind. That’s down by the Seahawk's stadium and the Safeco baseball field. Maybe. I don’t know, they keep changing the names.

Marc's second wife came from Seattle. I didn’t know that. So he knows it a little bit from the past. He says he loves Seattle, but they broke up and it wasn’t good, so there’s that.

Then he said Lynn Shelton, his late girlfriend who died was from Seattle. So he’s also got a lot of mixed feelings about Seattle but does say he loves it and knows he has a lot of fans here. I’m sure he’s had a lot of shows up here.

Well, I know this is my fault today jabbering so much with WTF? on pause, but Marc finally got around to talking to Jewel. I spent almost the entire walk just jawing my way through. Talk talk talk talk talk. I’ll have to save this podcast for the next walk.

On that note, I’ll bid you adieu…and leave you with that. It’s noon and time for lunch.

Cheers! Sláinte!

Tuesday, June 25, 2024

Walkabout Thoughts #89

Thoughts & Stream of Consciousness, rough and ready, from an award-winning filmmaker and author you’ve never heard of, while walking off long Covid, and listening to podcasts…walking day…Sunday, June 23, 2024


Weather for the day… nice day, starting out, 57 broken cloud cover, cool, a bit too windy 65° when back at home.

Podcast is The Playlist episode about The Bike Riders interview with Jodie Comer, who is one of my favorite actors since I saw her in

I'm editing this on Monday, the day I walked and listened to Rachel Maddow's podcast Ultra. I'll mention it in the next blog. However, I wanted to mention its episode, Malmedy because everybody should listen to this entire podcast. And the previous season. It's our history. It's currently. It's a great example of how what is happening today, has happened before and we should be concerned, aware, and understand, it can't happen again, or where it failed before, it needs to fail now.

My Instagram post today using Everlast for music.

Listening to the podcast about cinema, he got me to thinking about my own films. My preferred orientation and film would be cinematography, as in the films of Peter Greenaway and others heavy on the visuals.

I think my own little film on a shoestring budget, “Gumdrop “, a short horror. There’s a lot going on in that film, which has been recognized by some of the awards it’s won at film festivals around the world. My favorite being an award for Best Director. What else did that win? Best Noir Film, Best Horror, Best Thriller.

Well, some of my local Indie Director friends are using a single lens with a zoom on films while on my films I use specific prime lenses with an occasional zoom lens when I want to flatten out the depth. I prefer much more specific, while time-consuming on set, in designing their most effective capabilities to change the lens as required for its desired affect. 

Focus (pulling) is always an issue with a single crewmember production…that being, the filmmaker, the director acting as producer, screenwriter running the camera, sound, being key grip, gaffer, cinematography, etc. etc. It’s exhausting.

I've taken film production seminars, like by famed Director Stanley Kramer back in the 80s. Studied screenplay at University in team script writing and classes on lighting a film set.

Film production is collaborative. So on a one-man film set you’re only collaborating with the actors. They can have valuable input. They can also bog production down if you do not control your set. Of course, in post-production, I collaborated with the soundtrack composer. On Gumdrop, Andrea Fioravanti.

Wow, walking into the wind is really screwing up my voice to text transcription...

I just hit my turnaround point at the half-mile marker so now the wind is on my back and I can transcribe easier.


Been listening to an indie director for a while about making films. Interesting guy: 
My No-Budget Documentary Made over $20,000 in 4 Months | J. Horton Films

On my "Gumdrop" film, I had my Master Shots book always at hand, and referenced it constantly. Before beginning the shoot the film, I was worked out shot setups and which lens I was using and why. I was concerned with lighting. One scene in particular, where a hitman "Rowan" (played by Jason Lockhart), enters the house and stands with his back to the front door. I must’ve spent, an hour trying to get the lighting set up so there weren’t any shadows and so it wasn’t too bright. 

Jason Lockhart as "Rowan" and Tom Remick as "Sampson"

In the end, I couldn’t get it the way I wanted, but even though it stands out in lighting from the rest of the film, I kind of like how it turned out. Almost like it was showing too much reality/intensity in that scene. That character was supposed to be the most professional hitman in the film. 

That character kind of reminded me a little bit of the big dumb lurking hulk/fixer & hitman for Don Corleone in the first Godfather movie, "Luca Brasi", portrayed by Lenny Montana, an ex-wrestler and former bodyguard and enforcer for the Colombo crime family. Who has an interesting choice in being in that film and fit the role perfectly. While Kelly Hughes has used Jason in a variety of interesting projects, Jason is an actor. But his portrayal was exactly what I was looking for.

Anyway, film is a visual medium and in my mind, although the soundtrack may be 1/2 or more of a film in many ways, visuals should be as perfect as possible. Sometimes you want ugly visuals, just make them as perfect as you can. Rough can be good but sometimes what comes out rougher is a beautiful shot. 

I know David Mamet thinks you just get on camera and say the words and don’t worry so much  about the acting. I know he doesn’t exactly mean that, but he actually said it. That’s why his movies seem stiff in the dialogue. The spoken dialogue, not the written dialogue. I mean, I do love me some David Mamet. Perhaps an acquired taste.

Getting back to the podcast and Jeff Nichols' “The Bike Riders “, the host is saying Jodie Commer is the heartbeat of the film. I saw the first commercial for it last week on TV and my first thought was well, I’m not gonna watch that film! Seems like not my kind of film.

But that happens with trailers. And typically the director doesn’t make the marketing campaign or the trailers. But the host of this podcast is saying it’s one of his favorite films this year so, I will certainly give it a look, and the director's film catalog is certainly a decent one.

Regarding “Killing Eve“, I loved that series and was completely enamored of Jodie‘s performance and character. It was a darkly fun series.

To explain my attraction to “Killing Eve“ I’d have to say that I really like female assassin flicks or shows. I think some of that attraction is obvious, but some of it has to do with the necessity of exactness involved with these smaller then large musclebound types. 

I studied Isshinryu karate under Steve Armstrong in the 1960s when I was a kid. And we were taught that a fight theoretically shouldn’t last longer than 5 to 8 seconds and should end quickly with a killing blow. I just noticed this, there is a Steve Armstrong Memorial Open Martial Arts Tournament and Seminars. Apparently, Steve's family is involved, and potentially his sons who I used to work out with at the dojo in the 1960s.

That requires a kind of orientation, technique and skill set. It’s what kept me out of so many fights when I was younger, into young adulthood.

See, we were told as kids at the dojo to always warn the person picking a fight with you, if you can, that you are trained in the killing arts and you refuse to fight them. And if they push you into a fight, your goal is to kill them as quickly as possible. We therefore had a responsibility in being trained to kill, to not kill if possible. That style was just designed for a farmer in old Okinawa to go up potentially against an armored Samurai. 

Which is why I was so attracted as an adult, when I came across Aikido's "Art of Peace" orientation. With the samurai belief that although you’re a warrior, where your equilibrium is peace, not war.

I can remember a few guys when I was younger, who I thought would kick my ass, but after my brief but serious, due diligence monologue in warning them, they scoffed and laughed, but backed the fuck down. The first time that happened it was a shock to me.

Attitude. I think it’s the orientation. When you have a gun and aim it at somebody it had better be loaded and you had better be prepared to actually pull that trigger and be prepared to kill the person, in one shot if possible.

Because when you aim an empty gun at someone or you do not plan to kill them, you’re telegraphing that. You actually have to telegraph intent and reality. It’s highly effective.

About that killing attitude/orientation. I found that interesting in "Gumdrop". Except for maybe that one character "Rowan", I had the lighting issue within the film. I bought into him as a hitman. Don’t fuck with him. He seems simple, but don’t believe it.

Whereas the others assassin characters, I felt like although I bought them as assassins, using a rifle from a distance, maybe not so much with the up close killing.

There’s one scene where the lead character, "Sampson", it’s weird calling him a protagonist because he’s more of an antihero, if anything… A female assassin arrives to get a weapon and he gives them an additional small arm, a handgun. It’s an interesting moment of perhaps, compassion between two killers. 

That wasn't presented as compassion. However, it is if you think about it, conceptually. 
The woman didn’t have an order for a handgun. He was just reading into things that if something went wrong, she might need it.

Anyway, there’s a lot going on in that film. For instance, why does he give them a firearm with only a single cartridge? Why does one of them refer to that cartridge as that “magic bullet“?

As with all of my produced works, films, and writings, I like to create where you get more out of them with each revisit in reading or viewing them. I’ve not been able to survey people who have watched the film, because it’s been seen at film festivals around the world. Over 60. I would be curious to survey an audience to find out the things they were missing in each scene in the film. Like how many noticed “grandma‘s ghost“ in the background in a couple of scenes?

One time she’s out the window, kinda floating in the air outside the kitchen window. Another time, as "Sampson" crosses the living room she’s high up on top of a high stool against the wall, on the other side of the room. And that’s what you see of her until their interaction in the basement as dead grandmother.

Is he insane or is she a ghost?

I just made an Instagram video. I’ve made some good ones this past weeks, but they kept failing. This one seemed to post. I used to Everlast. I do like some of his music ever since I realized he did the title song for Saving Grace the TV show wit  Holly Hunter. I really liked that TV show.

Soo...I really like this 3 miles a day thing. PNW weather can be sketchy and intermittent. Which is why I grew up layering my clothes. You’d be cold in the morning and then it would get too hot and then it might cool down, or rain. Lately, I’m trying to get a walk in between periods of rain. Today I’m looking at some really dark rain clouds, but they’re mostly up north.

Anyway, the 3 mile walk, over a 5 mile walk, is a lot quicker and a lot better odds at missing any rain or decreasing chances anyway of getting hit with a sprinkling or downpour.

Having grown up in the 50s and 60s... 70s and 80s too, I guess...I was never much into Rap when it first appeared on the radio. Initially, I saw it as percussion with spoken word. It was about the beat and pacing. I remember getting into an argument with a (white) guy that Rap was going to go nowhere. But if they will add melody, it could take the world. They did, I was right, and it did.

Whereas in a lot of these Rap artists and superstars may all have some really great songs, I’ve always been more into blues and hard rock. I was very also as a kid into heavy metal until they started calling I Heavy Metal when I thought it started going downhill.

I guess Ozzy Osbourne refused to call their music in Black Sabbath “heavy metal“ because when they started calling it that it had originally been to label Black Sabbath music as bad "heavy metal" music, and caught on as a term.

I heard Eminem, a white artist rapper from Washington state of course, pulled in a lot of white people. Not that there weren’t a lot of white people into Rap music back in the day, which was actually kind of weird in the beginning. I think although Rap enthusiasts thought it was great that it spreading in the beginning but, white people? Yeah, I get that.

But I do like, I would say, the majority of music by Everlast. Not into all of his stuff and some of his concept albums are artistically interesting, but I really just like some individual songs. I’m boring like that. Not to say I don’t dearly love some of the concept of albums I grew up with like "Tommy" by The Who for instance. Or Thick as a Brick by Jethro Tull or they’re Too Old to Rock ‘n’ Roll, Too Young to Die album. Yeah, I was kind of into Prague rock (voice to text translation error). I don’t know about that. I meant. "Prog rock". Who knows, maybe Prague has some good music too. I mean, no doubt. Right?

I would say as a kid I had been into pop and rock music, classical, and certainly experimental music all through the 1960s. I liked Led Zeppelin and obviously Black Sabbath. I got their first album in 10th grade, but after my older brother got me stoned on weed in Mesa, Arizona in August 1972, it wasn’t until then that I really got into Led Zeppelin. Also Deep Purple. The Scorpions, which was really more during college starting in 1980. But Allman Brothers, some Southern rock, and so on...

I grew up listening to my mom playing 45s of old country music and some other things. I didn’t really like old country music. Twangy stuff. Until one day I started kinda liking it when my older brother said, yeah you like it because it’s basically country rock now, it’s not country/western anymore.

But what I came to understand and I think I may have developed this viewpoint from Professor Reese at Western Washington University in a class where he was teaching us about quality, creativity, and things like that in our psychology, major.

The thing is I like music. I like the creative arts... if it’s quality. So I can even like country music, if it’s good. Not a big fan of elevator music. But then we had people like Brian Eno who said, there’s no reason elevator music has to be shitty. Thank you, Brian. Check out his Ambient 1: Music for airports. Yeah, you may not like it. 

Starting mile three…

Just listening to the podcast and Jodie Comer is talking and it flashed me onto something… When I was going to turn 19 back in 1974, I ended up living with my older brother in Apache Junction outside of Phoenix, Arizona. [Next day while I was editing this I turned on "Bar Rescue" and they were in Apache Junction at Tumbleweed Grill & Gold Rush Saloon, how weird]. You go out to that main highway, and you can see the Superstition Mountains at its end.



My big brother was married to a woman who had two previous daughters. One day the kids were in school and my brother and his wife had an argument. He’s a big fucking construction worker. She’s a little tiny lady. They were disagreeing and he was suddenly hovering over her and shouted her down until she sat on the couch shriveling. I was off to the side of the living room kind of in shock. I’d never seen my brother act that way. Later she said she was used to it and it was annoying.

I’ve grew up a little scared of him, not that he ever gave me reason to be. But he’s seven years older than me. The brother, I grew up with never acted like that.

I once played the lead in a short film for Kelly Hughes something about don’t kill the grandpa something. I’ll look it up. Ah: Don't Kill Grandpa Until We Strangle the Babysitter

My first real actual acting role. Kind of. Hey, I was the lead actor! Really, I’m not an actor. But Kelly likes using normal people for his actors. As I did in Gumdrop where I used Tom Remick and his son, Luke, and Luke’s two kids. They've already grown so much since the film. The kids were kids on set. Often hard to work with, one was much more into acting than the other.


Luke Remick as "Jinx" & Tom Remick as "Sampson.

Tom and Luke are incredible actors, just natural talents. Anyway, we got done with one scene in Kelly’s movie and he came over to me and said, "You know what? I think I just saw you actually doing some real acting." Well, that was kind of cool.

I mentioned this because of that scene in Kelly’s movie. I was a grandfather. We shot it at my old house where my kids grew up for 15 years, for the most part and the longest place we'd ever lived in the longest job I’d ever had. Beautiful couple of acres in the back woods of Squamish, Washington, where Chief Seattle is buried (below):



Anyway, in this scene shot in my living room, the "babysitter" is sitting on the couch. I’m supposed to angrily walk over to the actor, and just start screaming at her, looking down into her face, hovering.

I think we both found it a very affecting scene. I could see fear in her eyes. I know, she was acting, but it was unnerving. I could feel the power of a man stealing autonomy from a small woman. I found it extremely distasteful. I’ve actually never done that in my entire life. I mean I’ve had arguments with girlfriends or wives where we got loud at each other, but those weren't violent, just passionate and we both knew that.

I grew up with a mother who would have some pretty violent and passionate arguments with our stepfather. She often saw him as stupid. I don’t think he was the brightest bulb in the pack but he graduated high school, went through the war in the Coast Guard while my mom only got through ninth grade, but she was also a very clever person.

Anyway, that scene in Kelly’s movie, it never occurred to me till just now that I might’ve been associating in the back of my mind, that situation in Apache Junction so many years ago when I was 19. A year later at 20, I entered the USAF.

It changed somewhat how I saw my older brother. I’ve had plenty of drama across 3.5 marriages, but I never experienced any violence or my trying to be overbearing on them like that.

I felt for just a few minutes in shooting that scene, that I experienced what men feel when they abuse women, at least, verbally. And I have to tell you, I didn’t like it much at all. Having been bullied as a kid, and really I don’t bullies, to be one to anyone else.

On the podcast now they’re talking about "Killing Eve" and Jodie Comer’s character, Villanelle, and her abrupt end, which was a little controversial.

Jodie‘s also on set now shooting "28 Years Later" with director Danny Boyle. I did enjoy the first movie not so much the second, so I have high hopes for the third. The movie is also with Ralph Fiennes and Cillian Murphy, long one of my favorite (esp., Irish) actors..

That’s interesting. The host says he really loved the first of those films. Kind enough not to say anything about the second one.

About my brother. I had three. In 1975 my youngest brother by my mother, by five years, died of liver cancer mere weeks away from his 15th birthday. I also have a half-brother through my birth father who I didn’t grow up with after my first three years who's a genius and artist and we’ve been good friends as adults. I hadn’t seen him since he was 11 but got reacquainted with his family at our dad's funeral. He had a mother, deceased now, and nine other 1/2 siblings. 

Then there's my older brother, seven years older. He once told me mom was a party girl. When she got pregnant, she got married. So we all have different fathers.

After I got married (the last time) and we were a couple years into it, when we had just bought our first house between us, I heard about my brother getting together with an ex-wife (he's had two, so I guess I won that "race", or he did, depending...) and it had failed pretty quickly for him.

I remember saying to somebody I don’t know why he finds it so difficult to stay married or keep a relationship going because all you've got to do is keep them happy. That didn't seem that hard to do (in my world, at that time anyway).

I started to realize the flaw in my logic when you reality you're married to someone who has mental and emotional issues. You’re possibly not gonna keep them happy.

In our last year or two of marriage, I had said to her that it seemed like nothing I did for her was ever enough. Her response was interesting because it shocked both of us. She said, "You’re right, that’s true." Well. That's telling.

At which point you have to think, "Wow. Well, this is over." Which it was. But we still tried nine months of therapy until finally, she gave up. I wasn't going to give up my son...marriage was over (they didn't get along very well).

Just passed my 2.5 mile marker finishing up my 3 miles for the day and The Playlist podcast is over, so I switched to Pod Save the World.

Oh no. Politics again!

They’re talking about why Putin went to North Korea. 

===
One of the biggest issues I'm seeing with those who lean toward Donald Trump in this election against Pres. Biden is their vast amount of delusional, ridiculously false-equivalencies between them.

Sloppy logic, misinformation, and confusion conflated with their misplaced frustration & anger. I offer this in example from a Face The Nation post:



"Raise your hand if any of you think about, for example, the state of our democracy. Does that concern you?"
 
@margbrennan asks our focus group of battleground state voters. 

"Donald Trump does not want what's good for America. He does not want democracy. He wants to have everything his way," Marlene says. 
"The same can be said about President Biden," Lydia adds. "He forced all the car manufacturers to convert to EVs."
===

Uh, NO! That's a ridiculously false equivalency.

While the Biden administration supports and encourages the transition to electric vehicles through a variety of policies and incentives, it has NOT forced manufacturers to produce EVs. Good grief.

You know, pathetic little shit national dictators need to stick together... and all that

The misanthrope misogynist autocrat club.

Remember when POTUS45 outed a CIA officer who did undercover work? No? Valerie Plame, look it up about "Plamegate".

You should read her book. Read her husband Joseph C. Wilson’s book. Or watch the movie about them, Fair Game with Naomi Watts and Sean Penn.

And there are some other books you can read that explain how our intelligence community kept telling Pres George W. Bush that Iraq was NOT involved in 9/11. But Bush (or VP Cheney, who was running a lot of stuff) kept refusing their denials until finally, somebody gave him what he wanted: manufactured evidence to allow them to attack Iraq, thus finishing up his father‘s business there from the Iraq/Kuwait invasion which led to George HW Bush's Operation Desert Storm.

Hey, where is our fictional narrative movie about a rogue SEAL Team Six who takes out a rabid career criminal misogynistic misanthropic POTUS, and his infectious viral Russian-oriented, political platform and party leadership? Where is that catharsis of a film? Are people still holding back on doing that because they’re afraid Trump might become president again?

Are we really stupid enough to elect Donald Trump as POTUS47? Where we actually elected him before as POTUS45 in the first place? Sigh...

How did America get that stupid? That delusionally disinformed and misaligned?

About a quarter of America needs a national psycho-social therapist and maybe we need to be put on some very heavy "psychosomatic" drugs before we continue with this self-harm and paranoia in seeing one another as existential threats.

Yes, we have some existential threats around, but the biggest of them is saying that those standing against them to protect America are the existential threat. It’s like a midnight nightmare movie.

Italian Prime Minister Georgia Maroney said as far as Russia's bid for peace: "It doesn’t make any sense for Ukraine to move out of Ukraine", since Putin wants to keep the Ukrainian land that he’s captured.

I know that Russia invading Ukraine is complicated. But it’s really not. If in your neighborhood one house invaded another house and took over a bedroom, would you say they get to keep that bedroom?

No.

I finished watching all of Shetland on BritBox (UK's form of Netflix, sort of), with a new season coming. Started watching Crime, set in Edinburgh, Scotland starring Dougray Scott.

Well, on that note, I’ll bid you adieu…and leave you with that. 
It's 9:30AM.

Cheers! Sláinte!

Sunday, June 16, 2024

Walkabout Thoughts #84

As a father myself, Happy Father's Day! Wishing the best to all fathers who care, who try and put effort into their children, and their family, and as for those who do not, may your children survive you anyway...

I have to say, in reviewing Father's Day memes online, so many of them simply aren't funny, and are kind of mean. Which fits the esteem in which many fathers are held, or the lack thereof. While it's also notable just how often too many fathers have earned that.


Thoughts & Stream of Consciousness, rough and ready, from an award-winning filmmaker and author you’ve never heard of, while walking off long Covid, and listening to podcasts…walking day, Thursday, June 13, 2024

Weather for the day… nice day, starting out, 63° nice sunny day blue sky cool breeze starting out, 73 back at home

First Podcast pod Rachel Maddow presents Ultra
And then WTF? Marc Maron. An episode first with actor Ed O'Neill (Married With Children) and then later below, with comedian Ali Siddiq in another episode.

I did a short walk to the bakery the other day and now I’m doing my full walk today. It’s a little confused below.

So today for the full walk, I’m doing another WTF? Podcast episode with.

On Marc's podcast they’re talking about Nepobabies and at first they mention, Jeff Bridges, who Ed said Jeff used to be worried about himself and nepotism and if his acting was better than his being a legacy. Which obviously he was.

First time I saw Jeff in Thunderbolt and Lightfoot at the drive-in, back when it came out for the first time and then later I saw The Last Picture Show. Ed: “This guy is a fucking actor.” I knew about Jeff when I was a kid and from his dad's show, Sea Hunt with Lloyd Bridges when he would very occasionally have his two sons on for something in the storyline.

Years later, I saw Jeff Bridges in other movies (Stardman, one of my favorites but then John Carpenter was one of my favorite directors) and his brother Beau acting as adults and I was surprised and pleased. I loved seeing them together in "The Fabulous Baker Boys", as piano players.

Anyway, Marc and Ed are joking about how Ed started out as a college student in a steel mill where his dad had worked and Marc jokes “so you were a Nepo baby.” And they laugh and I realize my older brother and sister and I all had our first jobs at the drive-in theater. Where our stepdad worked nights after getting off his real job every day, at the Tacoma Washington Nalley's warehouse.

The thing with my stepdad was his night job was supplemental but it was his day job in the warehouse where belongs to the Teamsters union for healthcare and whatever. But it was the night job that gave him the prestige and satisfaction as assistant manager and box office cashier where he got to wear suit. Back in the 40s and maybe 50s, he had his own 20 piece orchestra in Philadelphia. So I get his attraction to entertainment. Mom herself was a big fan of Hollywood and movies.

As for myself working there, eventually, after a couple of years in high school working there, I became snack bar manager summer before my senior year. Then I started working as box office cashier as the ticket guy who lets you into the theater when you drive up to the window. By that time my stepdad and our Manager had moved to the brand new 112th St drive-in theater. We got stuck with a goofy guy who ended up firing me when I had ended up in the hospital for bronchitis.

So working in the snack bar and as the box office cashier, a few my friends got in free. Not many, but a few. I suppose that was wrong. But I guess in a way it was payback because every holiday, weekend or during the summer, I had to work my ass off in the snack bar for like I said, all three years in high school while my friends would show up and were partying and come in to get food and there I was. I could see how much fun they were having and...I wasn’t. It got painful after a couple months of that.

I also could never figure out how some of them could afford so much more than me, and seemingly a lot of them. Too many had nicer cars than me when I got one. They also got drivers licenses before me. When we graduated, I was 17, most of them were 18 and some 19. Some of them were building their dragstrip racing car while I had an old beater I got half paid for by my parents, that September of my senior high school year. At some point I realized some of them just had families in a higher economic class than mine. Or their dad, got them at job at his company which just paid better.

My stepdad had driven me to work in my sophomore and junior high school years and I assume he'd finally had it. So I got a car. 1967 Chevy Impala. 283CI, “3 on the tree”, standard shift. Clean car, ran well. Sounds great, right? But I was supposed to get THEIR Impala Supersport. They'd had a '67, 327Cubic Inch, automatic transmission with bucket seats...SWEET RIDE! Then one day I was washing dishes at 7am before school and someone totaled the car sitting in front of our house! Then drove away. End of that situation.

Then my stepdad moved to the new drive-in at the south end of town and I needed a car to get to work anyway. Our AutoView Drive-in that my siblings and I kind of grew up at, was at the north end of town, near the Tacoma Narrow's bridge (back when there was only one) and on the same road as Point Defiance Park (an awesome place).

One of my friends worked at a Tacoma steel mill, whatever it was called. Gave that dude some muscles. And it paid well. Then he got our friend Al a job there. Al just friended me on Facebook a few months ago. Hadn’t heard from him in decades. Anyway he wasn't the most buff kind of guy. But then after he'd been working at the steel mill a while, he got pretty buff, too.

I remember after years of seeing Ed O'Neill on Married With Children, he played Popeye Doyle and a sequel to The French Connection. And I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t buy him as Popeye Doyle. Gene Hackman? Absolutely. But then when I watch the movie, I gotta say he did a pretty damn good job. I was starting to feel pretty wimpy.

OK. That podcast is over.

If you haven’t heard Rachel Maddow's Ultra podcast, good God if you’re American, especially if you’re conservative, listen to season one. Season two just hit. Learn your history here in America because we’re seeing it happen again and it’s not good. It’s history, it’s not make believe disinformation, propaganda or just some sort of nonsense.

I finished that podcast on my off day between walking. I had been eating a perfectly cooked steak I had made and watching Gordon Ramsay‘s Uncharted episode in Hawaii. I’m looking forward to his next episode in Cuba. But it motivated me to want tasty something and I thought of the bakery and bread products.

There’s this really cool little bakery “mom and pop” type shop that cooks really cool stuff about 3/4 of a mile from my house. So I thought, OK if you’re gonna go buy carbs, then walk there, don’t drive!

So, I’m walking.

My favorite bakery in Bremerton is Saboteur in Manette, a suburb just off downtown here. Amazing bakery. But if they’re closed, or I don’t feel like going that far, these guys are great, too. They both bake stuff from around the world, and you never know what they’re gonna have. Probably never heard of it. And it likely sold out you and should have gotten there sooner!

OK, I’ll tell you what I got from the bakery. OK, I don't know. Tasty stuff though.

I noticed walking down to there on the other side of the street and walking home, on this side of the street, that I keep seeing empty containers of tobacco chew. As if somebody’s driving down the street and going, “Hey, it’s empty!” And tosses it out their window. I just want to say kindly to those people: “Fuuuuuck you! Use your trash bin, bitch!” Sorry, had to get that out. They did. It's only fair.

Ed O’Neill on Marc Maron's “WTF?” podcast just said that the French Connection movie he was in, where he played Popeye Doyle, was actually a pilot for a TV show that didn’t happen. Well, finally THAT makes a lot of sense because in that case, it was pretty good. But as a sequel to the French Connection, maybe not so much. I always wondered what the deal was with that flick.

Beginning now in my full walk day with WTF? Podcast with Ali Siddiq
Now…

When I was younger I remember people saying, “If you do that you’re either gonna die or take years off the end of your life.” Who knows what I was about to do. But I remember my cavalier response being, “Well you gotta die sometime, it might as well be interesting and I’ll deal with the end of my life at the end of my life!” What a jerk.

OK, I’m there now jackass, in that last stage of one’s life. Hopefully, I have a lot more years left. Good years left. A few months ago I saw an old person who was like 100 years old being interviewed and asked, “What’s it like?” Her response was unexpected but reasonable, “Pain.”

And I'm now understanding what she meant. It’s annoying how some people age gracefully. They don’t seem to be in a great deal of discomfort, if any. They can still have drinks without a problem and they’re on the go, or traveling. For myself, I’m learning what the pain of arthritis is like (Granma had it and I always felt bad for her) and, a bunch of other really weird things, some (or all?) that may be Covid related. I so hate that disease for so many reasons.

I guess I just had higher hopes for this stage of life.

I guess I live vicariously through, oddly enough, my older brother and sister. My sister being three years older and my brother seven. He’s been going gangbusters until recently and our sister in having been a senior flight attendant most of her life, is still traveling the world in retirement now.

I’ve been saving a collection of postcards since she started flying. Offhandedly one day I asked if she would send me a postcard sometime from another country. So she kindly started to send them to me from around the world. Something that started back in the '70s. I actually actually actively “collecting” postcards kind of started with my foundational postcard. I had her postcards in a box with soe others, but then when I got this one postcard, I started putting them in a postcard collector album.

When I was attending Western Washington University a friend of mine and his girlfriend signed up to work at McMurto Station in Antarctica. He said you have to sign up for 6 months. So I asked him if he'd send me a postcard. He looked at me kind of weird, thought about it and said, “Sure, OK.”

Flash forward about 6+ months later and I'm walking across “Red Square” in the center of Western Washington University and there he was, with a cold. We had a nice talk and I got to thank him for the postcard. I asked what they did at night and he said everyone had a VCR in their rooms and most nights people were watching John Carpenter's “The Thing”. I asked him, “Really? Honest?” He assured me it was true. This was 1983.

Recently, I’ve got one from my sister from South America on a trip she took with one of her ex-flight attendant girlfriends. And just the other day I got one from Portugal, where she was with her husband, Joe.

Brother-in-law Joe, who paid for both of us to attend a seminar series with famed filmmaker Stanley Kramer at Bellevue Community College, in I think 1984, after I graduated college. I guess Stanley had moved there to be close to his daughter in retirement. Joe's deal was, since I was broke and back working at Tower Record's brand new Tower Video store in Tacoma (in the same location where I had previously worked at their Tower Posters)… Joe had said he'd pay for the seminar if I drive his BMW to get us there. I just saw a win-win: Great car. Great seminar.

I’m a big fan of Hollywood's Golden Age. So to sit there and listen to Stanley talk about so much of old Hollywood, including one of my all-time favorite actors, Kirk Douglas, and all about film production and filmmaking (as it was a seminar on film production: “Tell the actors you have the bank and the studio, the bank you have the studio and the actors, and the studio you have the bank and actors.”).

It was just so cool. Then I ran into Mike Rainey there, who was one of our team of eight at WWU on our team TV scriptwriting series of classes with Bob Schelonka. Hey, I should look him up on IMDb. I never thought about that. This was back in 1983-4 when IMDb and the Internet didn’t yet exist for another decade. I mean, I was first on the internet in the late 1980s at the University of Washington. But then it was a text bassed internet and now yet the WWW, or “graphical internet” which I didn't learn about until working at US West Technologies in the early to mid=90s.

Anyway, 1984 was the year of the first screenplay I ever wrote, a sci-fi titled, “Ahriman” about a prophet prince with a special ability. I had first discovered “independent study” in high school when I took an independent reading class. You could read whatever you want, then report on it to your teacher. I was a massive reader so it was kind of amazing. I rediscovered independent study in college. I had talked to two of my professors, one of them being my psychology department advisor and talked them into giving me a class credit to shoot a video in the vein of phenomenology.

Defective equipment, having to get out my soldering gun for connections, and having no working battery in the very large, reel to reel, half inch, black-and-white video machine and camera that existed at the school back then for loan, with camera Vidicon tubes that many of the cameras I checked out, jad visual blemishes that would appear on the recorded video like ghosts.

That video is I believe, up on my YouTube channel. When I graduated spring of 1984 with my degree in psychology and my minor in writing and script/screenwriting…I realized I had just enough money left in my VA educational benefits that I could take one more quarter of (summer) school and spent that whole time writing my screenplay.

I was NOT going to leave university after all that without a finished screenplay. I tried to send it out all through the 80s to no avail. I couldn't figure out how to get it to anyone. And I tried. That was in part how I ended up meeting Tony Karloff (stage name with tagline of “Son of Boris Karloff”), and his son. Apparently Tony actually had contacted Boris about the name thing and he said Boris couldn't have been kinder and said to go for it in claiming lineage.

I think I’ve talked about this screenplay in previous blogs. So I got two psychology professors, Dr. Rees my psych department advisor, and maybe it was Bob over at the theater department, to give me a one credit each in independent study to write a screenplay. I was surprised they agreed. I'd also talked to Dr Rees about staying in college, maybe get my masters. But he talked me into leaving and not getting addicted to the “protective academic environment”. That while some of us need to stay, more of us need to go out to change the world.

I took the minimal load of classes that summer to get my VA paycheck, so I could pay my rent, and eat and I attended classes. But I didn’t buy any books because they’re expensive. And I didn’t need them. I already had a degree. I spent the rest of my time each day writing. And it was past/fail so I got my two extra credits when I passed, but basically received an “A” from both profs on both screenplay evaluations.

I’ve also detailed this previously, but I used that screenplay on websites like Greenlight which Matt Damon and Ben Affleck started new screenwriters, and maybe a couple others back in the 2000s. On the Greenlight site you upload your screenplay and evaluate other people's screenplays who would then evaluate yours. Kinda 1 to 1 barter situation. Using those peer reviews, and I would get several people reviewing it, I rewrote that screenplay nine times. And I realize two things. Peer review among amateurs is exactly that. Kind of like you get what you pay for. And second, my screenplay was getting worse with each rewrite. So finally I just skipped the entire thing and sadly dropped the project.

It would be interesting now to take all versions and feed it into an AI and see what it comes up with.

I didn’t get a great screenplay out it, though it does have some interesting elements in it. Some of which I didn’t see an actual movie for 8 to 10 years. Like “The 13th Floor”. And some others.

I had based that screenplay on tempo. Not storyline, but the tempo of the movie “Brainstorm”.

Back in the summer of 1984 I heard you could rent RCA video players which play a video disc, like a vinyl audio record. I think I rented four or five movies and one was Brainstorm. I watched all the movies but I really liked Brainstorm. I believe one of the films was “The Verdict” with Paul Newman. Really liked that movie.

I then decided to use Brainstorm as a model for my screenplay. So I re-watched it, with clipboard in hand, and then watched it six more times over that next day. Eight times in two days.

By the sixth of viewing, I was really tired of watching it. But that's when you start to really see things. I wrote down the types of scenes and beats. Then I started writing my screenplay from those notes. It was an interesting exercise. It was something to do, a way to do it. And it helped me accomplish a full screenplay. To get over my fears. Before that, over that past year, I had only been writing short scripts for TV, and one act plays, things like that. Or I was writing parts of a half hour TV script, one one character's dialog, and so on.

Before I started college I couldn’t write a complete short story. I never could complete the endings because there were just too many options and I didn’t want to screw it up. Typical of amateur writers. In 10th grade I whipped out a short story one day, then never again until my senior year at university. In between, I wrote many beginnings, never endings. Which drove my friends nuts.

Hey. I just walked by a guy working on his bicycle in front of his house on the side of the road and realized he could hear what I saying, what I was recording here. That always gives me a weird feeling. I really don't like when I'm recording something about politics anymore, now a days. That's even weirder. So sad.

Anyway, Brainstorm was a way to trick my mind into completing an entire screenplay. And once reviewed, they liked it. Though my psychology professor, who's really smart, asked me, “Why did you write three screenplay in one?” I wasn't sure what he meant at first. Something today that nobody would ask.

Starting my 2nd mile...

I find this interesting. My son called me yesterday and asked if he could give my USAF challenge coin that I gave him, to his girlfriend. I said technically? No you can’t, because you didn’t earn it. Then I said, “But I would be happy to give it to her, and you can hand it to her for me and I’ll get you another one.” Which all sent me down to rabbit hole of finding another one online and updating my notes on the challenge coins I have. Which is about 15, total covering from 1968 to 1982.

The thing about his girlfriend is that over more than the past year, she’s been bouncing around hospitals without a primary prognosis that has remained unattainable. Now they say she has MRSA. Before that MS. Before that, a variety of things.

Her story is a novel, a movie about her traumatic experiences through this nightmare. She’s had heart surgeries, brain surgeries and other surgeries and has been passed from one doctor to another so that there’s legal issues involved now and potential lawsuits and she’s just been trying to survive this entire tie, fully on the edge of life and has she said if it wasn’t for my son, she'd probably be dead if not for his moral support. Which has also taken a toll on him. Some of his research and suggestions to her doctors, which they tried at first to ignore him, they eventually realized he was coming up with valid concepts and good ideas. Some we believe saved her life, several times.

So yes, he could give her a challenge coin. Absolutely, even if indirectly.

Oh, yesterday I drove up to Poulsbo, Washington where I originally bought my car at Liberty Bay Auto. Love those guys. I filled out a web form for the first time from their email, and it had an opening the next day at 11 AM. I got an email from them at 7 PM mirroring that eform. So I assumed it meant, “accepted”.

So I drive up there for the appointment and they say, “No, I had sent you an email saying we didn’t have that time slot. Maybe Friday?” Maybe it went to my spam folder. I get so many emails on a daily basis, I miss some occasionally. So I made an appointment for tomorrow and I’ll drive back the, what is it? 25 minutes to get there. I had lived in Squamish, just a few miles from there on some bucolic acreage in the woods, and it was the longest I had ever lived anywhere in my life, at 16 years.

My family had moved around a lot when I was a kid. It’s fun to go back once in a while to Poulsbo. I don’t go back often but when I do, either for my car or my dental appointment (I like Poulsbo Dental Clinic), it’s interesting how the town has built up. It’s so much nicer now. Like Tacoma which was kind of a rats nest (naw, wasn't really that bad) when I was a kid in the '60s. But kind of a nice town, anymore.

My ex-wife had remarried back, in I think 2003. Her husband had owned a restaurant we liked in Kingston, Washington on the Kitsap Peninsula. After they married, he bought a restaurant downtown Poulsbo that my ex ran, mostly. Then he got one in Quilcine. Until it was burned down accidentally by a couple of employees who were cousins. Their second restaurant there ended up with Washington state's largest restaurant tax fraud in history, because of her husband. So she says.

Well, I warned her about him. When she was dating him, I warned her that he wasn’t a good choice for a husband. But she just saw her ex being vindictive I guess. I told her that as I saw it, we were once best friends, and married. It’s over, I know. I wasn't trying to do anything but help. I may have been mad, but I still wanted her back and I did want the best for her.

That’s been my history and relationships. While I’m like anyone else, we can be not the best person in the world at times as people, especially when you’re right in the moment. But I always try to view my girlfriend or spouse as my best friend and always tried to help them, even if it meant I’d suffer for it. Because I’ll survive, but what’s better? Someone leaving you to be better or to have a better life? Or try to keep them under your control, or something?

We're not as important as those whom we choose to bring into our lives. Or under our care, as with our children.

I don’t know if it’s having been raised Catholic, or from my switching to my own special brand of Buddhism, or from my degree in psychology. But when a significant other asks for an opinion. Or especially if they say they really want our “honest” opinion, it gives one the opportunity to focus and be aware of what we are doing. To really think about their question and give them the (several) best considered responses that we can think of.

With my girlfriend back in college, that led to her having an affair and ended up, with her marrying the guy, and having two kids. At least it was serious and not just fluff.

Which I thought was much better than my oldest son’s mom who had an affair on me, who kind of left me for him? Who couldn’t handle the family life, or being a mom. Even though she was the one who kept telling me that getting married would “make her sane.” Then later said “having a child would make her sane.”

Yeah, I don’t know? Red lights? Warning sirens? A friend once lovingly told me she thought that I was, “The stupidest smart person I'd ever met.” Yeah sounds about right.

I remember my most previous ex-wife, the one with the restaurant, trend setting tax fraud husband, who once said to me, in apparently not understanding ADHD, that this, “absent-minded Professor stuff isn’t gonna work anymore for me.” I tried to explain to her I’m not doing anything on purpose. It’s just how my mind works.

Which was interesting with her stepson, and my oldest child, when she kept reading his behavior as being planned, thought out, when it clearly was just basic ADHD he got from me, along with whatever the hell his mother has. Which I think is ADHD, with some other issues.

When that last wife would get extremely angry with my son, I’d look at him and could see exactly what I went through when I was him at that age.

She was really angry with him one time and she said, “Look at him, right now. Look at that look on his face. He is being obstinate!” To be fair to her, he was difficult to raise...at times. Mostly he need more room to roam and range. When I was a kid I was never home. He was always home. Such were these times when we protect our kids to the point of what? Death? Sigh... I tried to get him all the freedom I could.

I looked down at him and I told her, “That’s not at all what I’m seeing. I’m seeing him frozen in fear because of how you’re acting. That blank look?I’ve experienced ut as a child when my mom was screaming at me. He has no clue what you're mad at right now. His mind needs time to calm and recognize what's happening.”

I remember once as a kid in the kitchen, by the stove, mom was yelling at me about something or other than I'd done and probably rightfully so. But I’m standing there looking up at her and I clearly remember my only thought was, “Why is she so mad at me? What did I do this time? What am I in trouble for doing?”

I was thinking as hard as I could, but I was locked up in my mind. Probably out of fear, I don’t know. ADHD at that moment may just have been locked up out of over-stimulation. The fear may have had nothing to do with it.

When I looked down at my son, with my younger wife, 15 years younger than me, I knew what he was going through (don't judge, she wanted that marriage even more than I had)...he may already have forgotten what he was in trouble for.

The other thing she liked to do was what happened to me as a kid a lot. But at least I knew my mom loved me a lot. And he knew his stepmom didn’t love him at all. Although in the beginning, she had been very sweet and kind to him, until finally after a few years of his rejection, she kind of snapped.

Narcissism can only handle rebuke for so long, even (or especially) from a child.

Anyway, she like to “ground “him a lot. I was grounded a lot, but that's why I stayed away from home every chance I got. It wasn't that mom was hard to be around (stepdad was), but that I knew if given the time, I'd screw something up.

As a kid I escaped into my scifi novels. It didn’t even feel like I was grounded. I'd walk into my room, pick up a book and suddenly be on another planet. I was actually pleased to get grounded sometimes. I'd rather be outside. But if I can't I loved to be immersed in scifi. I tried to teach my son about that.

When you ground a kid for a month, it's too long as he needs time to get ungrounded before he gets in trouble again. It becomes a never ending cycle. Because maybe he's frustrated and sick of being grounded and isolated which does weird things to you as a kid, or as an adult.

So when she wants (needs?) to ground him again...for another month? I told her one just can’t do that.

Well, in the end we got divorced. A lot of that was over raising our kids, and some other things. A big one I believe was in her having had multiple brain concussions a child, which can cause issues as an adult, or as a child.

When I was first dating her...her family, her entire family, lovingly and lightheartedly, kept asking me why I was with her, and that I was going to regret it. My comment was she’s the sweetest person I’ve ever met and the best mom I’ve ever seen, with her infant who I had met for the first time at eight months old. And eventually adopted after we married, at two years of age.

It took a few years, but eventually, I saw what they were talking about.

It was as it is with bipolar people. Which her older sister was, who eventually, so sadly, killed herself. I had warned them. She was on too many medications from her psychiatrist and needed a new psychiatrist. But nobody would talk to her about it. I should have, but for the family nightmare that would have caused for me. They were a nice family but one where you didn't speak of some things. My family was far more messy, you got called out for things. 

In hindsight, in knowing now that she killed herself, I wish I had said something. But honestly, I don't think it would have done anything but caused noise and problems with nothing coming of it. I've tried many times to help someone who needed it, but refused it, or couldn't see it, or was simply never ready to help themselves. Or accept help.

Missed opportunities.

Anyway, my experience of being around bipolar people, especially in a romantic relationship is that you're on top of the world with them. It's fun, exciting, novel, entertaining, at times weird. Same with narcissists. It's all fun and games, until it's not. And they turn into a nightmare. Usually of a kind you've never seen before. Which was the problem here. A type I'd never run into before.

So in my life, I’ve just avoided bipolar and borderline people. I have nothing against them. I wish them well. I want them to get help. But often they won’t or they work around the help. Of the help comes and goes, with often the normal times decreasing over time.

My ex and I were very different. People remarked about how "you guys have nothing in common, how are you together?" And our answer was always that we loved each other. Until one day I said that to her, asked her if she remembered that and she said “Love's not enough. Not anymore. “Thanks for telling me that, now.

I used to think being with somebody different from you would give you both more to learn about each other and interact about. When reality the more familiar you are in your backgrounds, as many experts have told me now… NOW… the better your chances of success and staying together.

Starting my 3rd mile…

My understanding of military challenge coins, is you have to earn them. I never saw one when I was in the service. Now, people are giving them out all over the place, to people in the service in the fundamental way of earning them, to giving them to other people either in the service, or to people they respect who are civilians, and so on.

But it’s loosened up obviously since I was in the service. My service ended in 1982 halfway through my college years. After 4 years active service there were 2 inactive years they can easily call you back into service. So my assumption now is that if you put in the service but weren't given one, you can go out and buy yourself a coin to represent the work you have done that you earned. 

So I went out, and got my own coins for my military service. Also received my certificate for "Cold War" service from the government.

Today something dawned on me. In 1968 I was in civil air patrol, an auxiliary of the USAF since the late 40s I think. Mid to late 1940s. I think it started during the war with civilians pilots taking up some slack on the domestic front, flying along our coastlines for things like submarines and enemy resources lurking along our coasts. They would then report to the military. So they were an auxiliary, and eventually were named one. Over time it morphed into other things.

Like civilian kids getting military training to do search and rescue for downed civilian aircraft. I got a lot of that training in junior high. Which helped me in the Air Force. Had I stayed in CAP longer I would’ve come out of basic training with one or two stripes instead of as a "slick sleeve". Like a couple guys did in my BMTS flight of 50 guys. I was so annoyed about that. I was only short a few months. Something that would happen in various areas of my life going forward where I would just miss out on something I'd learned, but only by a few months.


One day my CAP squadron was called up to serve at the 1968 Paine Field airport in Everett, Washington for an Airshow. Which has been held annually there. That same year the airfield delivered the first 747 as Boeing was also using that field.

Do you know the Navy's Blue Angels? They were started in the 40s. The USAF has their Thunderbirds, started in the early 50s who were at the show. I was director cars in the parking lot, a thankless job, wilting in the heat and dust kicked up by the cars. Until they called a bunch of us to stand guard keeping the large crowd of civilians away from the Thunderbird's jets while they were being refueled along the flightline.

So I’m standing there, all their jets lined up behind us, a cadet about every 10 feat, and a Thunderbird pilot walked over next to me, watching the crowd and keeping an eye on the refueling. 

So I thought, I could talk to a Thunderbird pilot! Take the opportunity! (photo above is that pilot on that day).

I started talking to him. I don’t remember what all we talked about. I just remember asking him at one point, why are we standing here guarding the planes?

He said, “It’s our job in the military to protect the civilian population. Fueling the jets with jet fuel is a dangerous operation. We don’t want the civilians getting too close in case of an explosion. That’s why you’re all standing here. As a barrier."

It was a hot day in August. So it was easy to break into a sweat at that comment. I asked him, “You mean...we could blow up?“

He looked down on me in his aviator suit with his aviator glasses, wearing his flight cap, and probably saw the fear in my eyes, which I was doing my best to hide. He responded, “That’s our job, in the military. But there’s a little chance of an explosion. We’re pretty good at this. We do this multiple times every day. But if ever we die for our country in protecting our citizens, it’s a good way to go. That’s what we sign up for. Yes?." He smiled at me.

I don’t know what it sounds like now, to hear that exchange. I can only share how it affected me at that moment, as a kid. It did exactly what he had intended. It instilled pride. It strengthened my commitment to what I had signed up for, even as a kid. And obviously, I remember it like it was yesterday. It had deeply affected me.

I was in various groups as a young kid. But the thing about CAP was at that time, you did real and serious adult things You were given responsibility. We got to do things my mother would probably never have approved of in being trained to cover mountainous terrains to search for crashed aircraft and potentially cadavers. That was all very attractive to me. The doing adult things, not the finding of cadavers. None of us wanted that, though we also all wanted to be first to find a downed plane, because that was the gold standard of exactly what we did and why we existed. I also got to fly on a C-141 Starlifter out of McChord AFB once. We had to wear our USAF uniforms as it was an official flight. We even got saluted by the SP at the gate to the bast as one of us in the car was an officer, even if they were a kid. We were kids. But we were also well trained and pretty adult when need be, or under duress.

I grew up a child of the 60s and 70s, somewhat of the 50s, but I got out of that decade at five. Though I remember a lot of it since we had moved to Spain when I was three and then Philadelphia, that same year. Then back to Tacoma in 1960. much to my disappointment. Even at 4, once out of Tacoma, I never wanted to go back. Living in Spain was awesome. I used to piss off the cantina owner, in his establishment just by the beach in Roda, Spain.

I had a lot of the attitudes in my childhood and teens of the current zeitgeist of the "love generation" and "give peace a chance." I went into the USAF because they were just no opportunities in 1973-5 for a high school graduate. I had tried to go to college in '73, even though I said after I graduated 12th grade that I would never go to school again… because K-12 (esp., K-6) sucked. ADHD sucked.

But my parents said there was no money for college and the government docs I filled out said my parents made too much money. So I was one of those trapped in: You’re too poor to go to college, but too rich to get help to go to college. It was really frustrating.

Good times. (sarcasm)

So I entered the USAF with a confused sense of patriotism, let’s say. But I came out with a more informed point of view. Albeist still a bit confused.

I have written much about the rest of this. My entire life has proven one thing to me and that is that I’m very glad I was born in America. All the times of spite and disappointment and feeling like a victim had washed away when I learned what other people in the world go through. 

Genocides. Starvation. Stupid governments. Far stupider than ours. We hear a lot of crap from conservatives about how bad our government is, as they denigrate liberals for valid criticisms of the same, but liberals aren't complaining to fund raise, but to point out what we need to work on. Very different things.

Despite all the manufactured disinformation MAGA crap, we have it pretty good in America. Yeah, we get it. Republicans can’t raise money if they say America is already great, we just have some issues to work on. But the other side are populated with so many lound and proud criminals proclaiming, "Give us money to save you!"? 

Ah well, If you look at the record they have with all the criminals lately, with a criminal Republican leader and failed exPOTUS with his gang from his last administration, how many are in prison are now indicted?


Occam’s razor, people.

I’m sorry it’s not the Democrats who are the problem in this country.

Just listening to Marc Maron joke with his guest how he’s never made it big and popular while his guest is more famous at 26 years old and hitting it big so far. Marc says at his age he knows that he pleases a few people and he’s made a living at it, but he was never the type of please everybody as some people do who become big stars.

I can relate to that. I learned a long time ago. It’s not about how much talent you have. It’s about how you translate that to enough people who want to see you again and again. And the more people who are involved as fans, the harder that is to do.

I spent my lifetime showing people things I’ve done and nearly always being highly praised for it. In the IT world as a senior technical writer, I did very very. Treated incredibly well with a great deal of respect. Which was weird at first. 

Well. I probably should’ve stuck with that career.

When I retired and had the opportunity to write and make movies, I jumped at it. So what’s the difference between the two?

I'd had millions of dollars behind me working for corporations in IT. In my early 20s, in the USAF, I was directly responsible for people's lives on a real and daily basis ("PJs" jumped my packed chutes, daily, not to mention my work on the jets) and about a $1.5mil  of government equipment. 

Now, I have just me behind me. Yeah, there’s kind of a big difference between the two.

I told my kids that working for a corporation can be soul-sucking, but it pays well. If really you love your work (which I did for the first half of my IT career), you may have a better experience. But you kind of pay for your success (and compensation) with your soul, or your humanity, or your personality. I would say it took me about 5 years after I retired to start to feel like myself. 

Friends forewarned me it would take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. I thought that was ridiculous, at first. Yeah I felt better after 6 months. Then again after about 2 years. But wasn't until about 5 years later I really felt normal again.

In that vein, after 9 or 10 years of marriage the last time, it took me 6 years to finally feel like myself again.

There’s a cost for “making it. “

So when I started out writing in the early 80s in college, I got a lot of praise in my stunned disbelief at times. So I was pretty sure I might be able to “make it “ after graduation. When I look over everything I’ve accomplished? I think I can be proud of it all. I mean I once believed that I'd make over $10/hr. But has it all paid off financially, dumping the corporate for the self supported artistic? 

Nope. Most of my arts/writer friends say the same. One of two did well, some make a bit here and there, many got nowhere.

I asked Bing Copilot AI yesterday: Tell me who “JZ Murdock “is. Just curious. Like googling yourself.

I was surprised to see what he gave back. I thought: That guy sounds pretty good. I showed it to a friend of mine and she said I always knew you were doing great things. But that write up sounded kind of creepy. I did the same with ChatGPT. It gave me a much shorter write up. Then I tried. Gemini. It said, who?

But yeah, that’s what I find in general with AI. It sounding not (to me) "creepy" but mundane. Corny even. The thought of taking AI-written text and passing it off as your own is ridiculous.

If I could get it to read all of my writings and to write a story in my style, that’s different.

But whenever I get any text out of it, I either have to reword it a lot, or rewrite it. Especially if I need it to be in my voice. But we're on a very interesting path, soon.

I don’t think we’re there yet, as far as AI overtaking the creative arts. Although that is the free public version, I’m using.

So…

I never intended to make it big. Everybody in my lifetime I know who tried to do it in the arts, has either failed or is doing just OK.

Though I would say my sister’s two kids did quite well because they're very talented and maybe young enough that they hit the world as adults at just the right time. But they also put in the labor as kids, while growing up that definitely led them into doing well, I would say, somewhat lucrative jobs. Let's say better than the norm. 

My niece is among other things, an actress who’s been in various TV shows. Her younger brother has been a "grip" on TV reality show and now is a cameraman. He's worked both in New York and LA. While his sister has been all over the world. Just like mom, only in a different career.

I only wanted to make enough to enhance my retirement a little bit because of how things went thsee last 20 years or so, raising my kids, and such.

But hey this flick ain’t over yet!

I don’t think I’ve finished what I was saying up above, about the USAF Thunderbirds. My point in that story was that I think I could get myself a Thunderbird challenge coin, of some sort. I mean, if I were in the Air Force doing that job as Thunderbird ground crew? Let's say there had been an accident. The plane behind me blew up and I died in a flame of glory or stupidity. Depending on the Air Force report. Would I then deserve a challenge coin? Let's say I didn't die, or an accident didn't happen. Would I deserve a coin?

If that pilot had handed me a Thunderbird challenge coin? Yeah, then I would definitely have earned it. Right?

Starting my final 5th mile for the day...

So yesterday was fun. I mentioned another blog that a friend of mine in Texas, no, I think she moved from here to Texas then to North Carolina...who had helped me with my social media some years ago. She recently asked me if I would do a Director's viewing with her online horror group for my film “Gumdrop “, a short horror. I said, let me send you a DVD of it with the second audio track having my director's commentary and you can listen to that before we look at doing it online, so you’ll have some background and things for your group.

So yesterday I tried to open my DVD creator software, and that was interesting. First off it couldn’t find some files because I changed the file names or moved them or something. Then when I resolved that, I couldn’t get it to burn to the DVD burner. It couldn’t recognize it.

Couple hours of playing with that, which is really annoying, and while I was talking to my son on the phone, telling him about it, suddenly I had an idea. I plugged the external DVD burner into another port and boom everything worked. So I burned her copy and I have to print a cover for the DVD cover and mail it to her.

About this Republican infection of MAGA disinformation. You know my entire life we’ve been careful about disinformation, misinformation, riling up the public, until recently when some tixic conservatives (Trump) thought, "Hey, we can grift these people! How cares who dies!"

The best inoculation for viral behavior is not going there to begin with. 

At 4.5 miles now...

Well, that was spooky. I’ve been feeling pretty good, sun beating down on me, but just now my heart started pounding. I had a sip of water as I got to 4.5 mile marker, the end of a block on the route. I walked over and stood under a tree, cooling down and drank the rest of my water. Must’ve gotten a little dehydrated. Well, when I get home, it’ll be lunch and I got a really properly cooked med well steak waiting, leftover from the other day, and some kind of very tasty Middle Eastern bread from the bakery, so lunch should be tasty and that will make me feel better. A few minutes later my head started pounding, then it stopped and I felt better overall. So yeah, probably just slight dehydration.

Marc Maron’s guest Ali Siddiq on this podcast episode did a stand-up called "The Domino Effect" (part 1, 2, 3, 4). Apparently, he had been in prison so he talked about before that happened and Mark said it was all pretty hilarious.

I bought a month of BritBox so I could watch that Cary Grant series, "Archie" (Jason Isaacs). That was pretty good. Learned a lot about him. I didn’t know much about him, just in general broad strokes. I loved his movies when I was growing up.

I also had watched one free episode of that new Sam Spade "Monsieur Spade" (Clive Own) series a while back and now I get to see the whole thing. I looked around and discovered a bunch of other things like the Martin Freeman single season/series from a few years ago about him being a cop, "A Confession". It’s pretty good. I like the concept of a show where you know that the criminal confesses in the end and then you make that story leading up to it, and the confession, interesting. Because there is no "will they catch him?", "will he confess?", because he won’t usually. While instead here, you know you’re going to get the catharsis of a confession in the end, and  it’s based on a true story. 

So apparently the water did the trick and I’m feeling good, but this last say quarter-mile is just seeming a lot longer

On that note, I’ll bid you adieu…
And I’ll leave you with that as it’s noon and time for lunch!
Cheers! Sláinte!