The Blame Game

When I was seventeen I left my parent's house. For some years after I would blame anyone but myself for my problems, most especially, my parents. Things always seemed to happen to me because of how I was raised. Everything seemed to be my parent's fault. And things kept happening to me. It was nothing terrible, but just stuff, when it would happen, always seemed to be because of something other than me.

But once I accpeted that things in my life were mostly my own fault, or better and in not even "blaming" even myself, of my own design, and started to take responsibility for who I was and what I was doing, I stopped feeling so negative about life in general and about the people around me; even when it was indeed someone else's fault. I started to tell myself that yes, who I was had a lot to do with my parent's efforts (or lack of) in raising me and the home life that they created which at times, was very negative.

But at age eighteen, or at the age at which I moved out anyway, it then became my issue, my "fault" if you will and my responsibility to take what I had been given, and make myself who I then thought I should be. As adults, we are responsible for who we are. Prisons are full of people who never took on that responsibility.
Once I started looking at the bad things in my life, even when in some instances it truly was another's fault, life was just, better. In most instances things probably were my fault simply for allowing myself into a situtation that would allow for something bad to happen. Once I instead considered that had I simply made better, more well thought out decisions and consciously chosen the best of all possibly alternatives, then whatever bad thing that would have happened, very likely wouldn't have happened.

It was at that point, once I truly began to believe and accept it, that my life become more positive.
At that point, my relationships with people grew in quality and substance and life just seemed more friendly to me. Before that, I had few friends because once someone did something that I judged wrong, well, that was it for them. I had very high ethical expectations for people. Too high, I think.

But in the end, we're all Human. Right? We are falliable. We do make mistakes and hopefully, for some of us anyway, we do learn from them.

"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me", certainly has some merit; but it leaves an opening for bad feelings. But, "fool me once shame on me", has even more power, more personal responsibility; it requires of you, more awareness in life and as long as you don't take it emotionally, but functionally, you are actually protecting yourself more, and the others from their harming you, or even themselves. You can trust them more openly, albeit with restraint and intelligence.

Someone once told me after they had ripped me off, "You were naieve in trusting so much, why did you believe me?" Why? Because I want to be able to trust those around me. Who wants to go through life not trusting everyone. It makes you paranoid after a while.

So from then on, if I got "burned" by someone (and understand that my bar for being "burned" back then was pertty low, it was almost, in a way, like I was setting people up to fail), it didn't mean that I wouldn't have you around, it just meant that I wouldn't allow you to burn me again, as it then became my responsibility not to let it happen. I put the burdon on myself for not allowing others to take advange of me and the responsibility became my own. At that point, I saw people around me with more empathy and concern, too.

It also meant that I got "burned" much less in the first place. In my opening up to them after the fact and sharing all that with them (if I did feel I had been burned), it did me more good, it helped them more (or gave them more opportunity for change) and it helped the relationship; IF there was anything there to help in the first place. After all, some people are just out to get whatever they can out of you. And at that point, if they weren't very good people to begin with, you know knew that and they usually made the decision to leave themselves, as I was no longer a source of abuse for them.

So as the Dalai Lama says, in this new way to viewing life and the people around me, I did feel more peace and joy in life and from then on, I was simply much happier with my life and who I was.

Responsibility, really can bring you Peace and Joy.

The beauty within, over the beauty without? Nonesense.

Have you ever heard about how its the "inner beauty" that is most important?

Ridiculous. A load of nonsense (thought I was going to say "crap" didn't you?).

So, should one should not pay any attention to the physical? It sounds so politically correct, so, "higher level", doesn't it?

I fully disagree. The beauty "inside" is absolutely necessary, no question about it. But what people lose sight of, is that the physical is just as important. In fact, equally so I would argue. I wouldn't, in fact, date a woman who was beautiful outside, but ugly inside. Kind of goes without saying really. But the argument that pits outer beauty against inner beauty, kind of misses the point.

Who is it that usually puts that argument out there anyway? No, you tell me. You see, my point here, is not to fall into that trap, at all. There is no inner vs outer beauty argument, nor is there one about who argues these points. You decide.

I'll give you an example: my ex-wife. Yes, she was quite beautiful, generally accepted. One time, when we were pissed off at each other, she walked through the room all annoyed, and I knew I just couldn't stay mad at her much longer; and a lot of that was her looks.

I realized then that her looks, did in fact, accelerate my coming back around, dissolving my "attitude", there was simply no arguing it. This is the point that those who argue the beauty paradigm, would say, "If that is how you think, then you must be shallow." Guess what? I am not a shallow person, at all. Again, a generally accepted thing (by others, I'm saying).

That day, I had thought about my ex who I was with before her, who really wasn't as attractive, and I realized that the same simply wasn't so true with her. I had always had attractive girlfriends, "Significant Others". I finally believed I shouldn't look at the physical, which was when I met the ex before the ex, that I just mentioned. What I found was that it was much harder with her for me to let my anger go, when we had an argument. I realized then that the physical does indeed count for "something".

I've always rated a potential mate on a scale of sorts. Say 10 because it has the most baggage associated with it. Looks, intellect, heart, maybe a few other things, it all has to add up to as near 10 as possible. Its not something I consciously thought about, just something I realized I was doing somehow.

For instance, I've come to believe that keeping one's weight down in a relationship is really important, so is attitude. The weight issue is obviously less important with some more than others. But, when your spouse/mate goes after someone else in the middle of your relationship, face it, something is broken, typically both have given up on considerations about being attractive, giving respect.

Some come up with the lazy rationalization that, "we're married, I no longer have to worry about my looks." Or, "I'm bitter (about something or everything) so I don't have to worry about my looks. He (she) had better love me no matter how bad I look." This is especially insidious; because, it indicates the relationship is about to be over. Then possibly years later, it ends in a very bad situation.

Never, ever, think that you can let your looks go. Never, ever, think that you do not have to respect your mate. Never, start thinking that you do not have to give your mate privacy, consideration, personal time.

Ask yourself, why does someone start looking at others when they are in a committed relationship. Its because you are now looking less "attractive" than any one else. So they start looking around. Yes, some people are just a low life. In that case, this is good, eventually they will slip up, you'll get hurt, the relationship is over and you can go on to hopefully not choose another loser. But I like to think that most people are basically good decent people.

So, keep the weight off, use whatever you have to your advantage. Now, considering you are attractive to them to begin with, you have the weight that they TRULY find attractive. And don't be fooled by the "white" lies of, "Oh, honey, you are the perfect weight, what ever that is." Because typically, its a "love" lie. They love you and become unintentionally co-dependent to you, to allow you to let yourself slip. They don't realize that by saying what you want to hear, you are signing your relationship's death warrant.

Try to look good, not suddenly five years into a relationship, because that indicates you are having an affair. But always regularly (and it doesn't have to be daily), wear attractive, sometimes, trendy, clothing. Get a hair cut, women, use makeup, but not excessively so, because that is a completely other trap ("more is better", totally, not true). Makeup should enhance what you have, not cover it up.

Now, all this said, forget for a minute about the physical. Because, what is really, really, important? Is respect. And personal space. I can speak best to how wives have been, so I'll use those examples. When a guy is sitting, relaxing after work, even if he is staring at the wall, consider, that he IS, doing something. Call it, decompressing, if you like. When he walks in the door coming home from work, do not, hit him with a bunch of chores. Allow him the personal time he would have if he lived alone.

How do you decide this, how to gauge it all? Look at it this way, after you move in with him, after you are married, continue, no mater what, to look at the relationship, as if you are still living apart, and dating. That, is the key.

Sometimes in our relationships, we get so involved, so dependent on one another, that we rely on them, we let them become so a part of us, that we lose one another in the relationship.

And that, is the beginning of the end. Complacency. Co-dependency. Expectation. Relying too much on the other, not taking up the slack yourself. Being responsible for one self. And so it goes.

Once you think, "Oh, finally, I can relax and just be me again," you have lost.

I've always said that in a relationship, the other person should be there to enhance your life, to make your life easier by their being there, not harder; but, that goes both ways and you are not there to make them enhance it, they have to do it.

And that is where many relationships end up.

"You are not doing enough for me, so I will make you." Why? Because, you are trying to keep the relationship together. You mean well, really, but you try to run their half of things for them. And how do they react? They resent it. Of course they do, why wouldn't they?

At that point, you have a rapidly evolving downward spiral leading to bitterness, anger, resentment. Why? Because what you are doing indicates a lack of respect. Doesn't it.

Other factors in relationships are how adaptable people are, which is what makes Humans both great, and diminished. So things have to be shook up from time to time, in order to keep things from being ordinary, which is a killer to a vital, lively relationship. Humdrum, is a death toll. Also, the general disparity in the complexity of males and females.

There are many theories as to why this is, but it is. And this differs between partners. Find this, work with it, not against it. This also goes into sexuality, an area that scares the Hell out of many people. But its a part of us. You can't ignore parts of who we are, its far better to face it and deal with it. I have found with myself and others, you have to be open, honest, and heartfelt with your partner and things always work out better in the end. What people don't see is that if doing this ends a relationship, good. It needed to be ended then.

So, just to be clear from all of what I was trying to say here, inner vs outer? No such thing. There is no versus, its a compilation. When you are in a relationship, you need EVERY tool possible to keep that "shark" (as Woody Allen's character in Annie Hall related), moving through the life giving water of that relationship; otherwise, no movement, no life...and it dies. So to discount something you have as an asset, is foolish.

Now, is physical also important in a relationship?

You tell me.