Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Dating - online, or in person?

Recently being single, and well, curious, I got on some dating sites. I had been there before, and it has worked quite well. I was with one lady for eighteen months and value that experience a great deal. This article is mostly for those who are alone, single, or especially if you are shy.

But its so much the 10% concept, though. In the 10% concept, you ask ten women at a bar, if they want to go home and have sex, and one of them should say yes. On a dating site, you go through the numbers, too.

So, I filled out a few profiles on a few sites, and then spent a few days going over them and trying to figure them out. Avoiding contacts, putting out contacts and finding myself being turned down by women I'm pretty sure would have been interested, had we initially met in person, but through a friend.

Basically, as it went, I received no response from some women that I know I could have gotten a response from in person. I did also get contacted by some women that were so not my type. Then too, I got contacted by some women I might have gone out with, but in the end, I turned them down. I pretty much ran the whole gamut on not getting a date, from both directions.

It started getting me down. Allow me to explain. If you met the women I have had relationships with over my life time, you'd understand better my situation. I'm careful about who I spend my time with, so I prefer intelligent, attractive and interesting people. Same goes for dating. Now understand, I do prefer pretty women, but "attractive" to me, means attracting, um, indicating, attraction. Not only physical beauty is attractive, but so it how one moves, how one acts, loudness, or quietness, energy, cheerfulness, patience, and other things, as well as how and when these things manifest themselves.

Why? I was never the type of guy where, I got attention when I walked into a party. Well, so I thought until I one night walked into a party with Joe. Joe who was blond, well built, very good looking, and of course, had perfect hair. He had more women than he knew what to do with. Amazing. He was a steel worker too, by the way. Women knew they were one of many with him, but when I asked one, she said, "But its Joe, of course I'll be available if he wants me to go out with him." Amazing.

Anyway, I never thought I was the type of guy who got attention walking into a party. Until that night with Joe and his date. We walked in, an NO women in the party looked at me whatsoever. I was treated like I was cool, but it was because I was with Joe. And don't get me wrong, Joe was the type where women wanted him and yes, guys wanted to be him, or hang out with him.

What I realized that night, was that before that night with Joe, whenever I used to walk into a party, I had never had that experience of no woman paying attention to me. I realized, that I had indeed been paid attention to, but after a while, you stop noticing it, maybe. Walking in with Joe that night, you feel what you miss. Weird, huh?

The women I've been with were all pretty attractive, getting more so perhaps, with each relationship through my life. And yes, I always felt blessed and lucky about it. I never took advantage of it or didn't appreciate it. Everytime, for instance, my ex wife walked through the room, I appreciate that and her.

So getting back to today, I was feeling a bit strange. Lately I've been working from home every day, going into town for work one day a week. Weather is getting worse as Fall comes on.

And the dating profiles were lame. I realized that, you can't put charisma into a photo with some text. You can, but not really. Some are photogenic, I never felt I was. If you have a good photographer, just about anyone can look good. Profile photos taken with a cell phone in the bathroom? Not so much. Then my son and his friend and I went to get General Tzo's chicken from our favorite Teriyaki place.

When we got there, a woman was a head of us.

We stood behind her. She had a nice form from behind, I'll be honest. Then she had to run to her car and we got waited on. As we stood there waiting for our food to take home, I noticed the woman some more after she returned. I took a quick glance at her. She was indeed attractive and interesting enough, that I had to catch another look. Then I felt like I was stepping over the bounds of good taste and just stopped. But then I felt her looking at me. I thought, you have to be kidding.

Checking, no wedding ring. Hmmm.... So I took another glance at her face, just missing her eyes dropping from my direction as she spoke to the cashier; then looking in her purse for something. I looked away. But it was strange. As I looked away from her each time, it was like I forgot how attractive she was, and I had to look again, out of disbelief.

So I took what I told myself would be one last look, and I caught her eyes as she was doing the exact same thing. We locked eyes, for half a second, then both looked away:

"AH, caught me!" we both must have been thinking. It seemed obvious to me then, that we were both interested, but as it was happening with all the commotion in the room and my son there with his friend, my brain, ust kind of froze up. Then we headed out about then, having paid and having no reason to stay longer. I wanted to say something, but how, what?

So we headed out. I kept wanting more, and I had the feeling so did she.

But, it wasn't to be. We both had our dignity. Social decorum spoke loudly though our misdirected ears. And nothing was to come of it. By time I got home, I'd had enough time to process it all and I realized, all the things I should have said. Like walking up to her and saying, "You realize, that you are incredibly beautiful. Have a good night.", then feigning leaving, with that somehow leading to more. I know how to do that rather well.

Or, I could have said, "I can't believe how lovely you are. Here, take my card, and if you might like to hear more, or less, give me a call." Yeah, well, whatever, even corny stuff words sometimes.

I had a girlfriend one time tell me, when I said, "I didn't know what to say to you that first time, and I didn't want to crash and burn"; and she said, look, when a woman is interested, she won't LET you crash and burn and even if you do it won't matter if she's interested.

Or, Good gravy, anyway, I could have said something.

Then it dawned on me.

All that wasted time online, feeling down a bit because you know some women just thought they were too good for you, knowing some were right, but knowing some were oh so wrong. When in reality, you have to be in the room with someone, to let them feel you, know your existence, feel your aura or whatever, let them mix it up with your endorphins, or whatever.

So can dating profiles work?

Yes, especially if certain conditions are available.

If you are photogenic. Or gorgeous. If you are younger (I get a lot of women interested who are ten or twenty years older than me). If you have money or power, that goes a long with with women. I've tried about every kind of writing style and it seems only so effectual and only with certain types.

Now, what have I gotten out of all this? Online profiles are fun, entertaining, but they can be a total waste of your time. So much more can be achieved in person and so much faster. But you do need to have access to a group of possibly interested individuals.

So, you need to get out, go out alone, go out with friends. Join a club, join a gym with men and women, as getting to know someone innocuously first, really helps. Or just make some new friends, and get out with them and their friends.

Go, get out and mix it up. As always, choose you audience carefully.
But, even IF you meet absolutely no one, you'll still be glad you did.
Besides, you can't do any worse than sitting at home trying to do it, online.

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