Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Too much personality? Not enough personality?

I was with someone for a while way back when, for like five years, who I was never really ever that physically attractive to. She was cute, to be sure, but she had, personality. She had a lot of personality, a lot of character. She was indeed, a real "character".

Maybe, too much for her own good. She made her own rules.

She, was an artist, and a Leo for those into that kind of thing (for more on the artist, character and behavior, see tomorrow's blog).

Her rules in life, didn't match mine. Her fules were designed to allow her the most leeway in life. She designed her personality to allow her a good sized buffer between herself, her behaviors and life itself. Now, I see that, as being "flaky". Effervescent, but not, in a good way.

I think that was what has caused her so much trouble all her life. And still to this day, does, almost twenty years later. Perhaps its also why she has had a drinking problem all her life. If you have too much personality, you need to dampen it with something. But not, reality; more likely, drugs, alcohol, drama. Something.

I have heard the arguments that you shouldn't pay too much attention to physical beauty, but really, isn't that mostly something people say who lack they physical beauty to get to share in the profits of those who do have it?

Up to the point that I had met his woman, I had always been pretty physically attractive women (no pun intended). That isn't to say that is all that those women had going for them; they were bright, funny, interesting, but they had the added element of being physically attractive.

However, up to that point, none of my relationships had lasted (forever, and who's does, right?). So I decided that I would try not to look at physical attractiveness. A friend had mentioned that. He said, "you know, all your women have been really good looking. Maybe you're looking at the wrong things?" It stuck with me. It was nonsense, but I didn't know that then, and I had to consider it.

So, when I met this women, she was very low key for a couple of weeks. Then, she pounced. She said later that saw me, decided she wanted me, and was going to get me (her words, no, really, I swear); her life situation, my life situation (I had just sworn off dating) and her live in boyfriend, notwithstanding (tacky, right?).

When we hit that point of no return, I considered the relationship. Everything said run. But I knew, if I thought she was really hot looking, I'd fully be there, into it (tacky, right? Hey, I was young).

It was in a kind of low point in my life and she was bringing light into my darkness (e.g., she liked to "party"). She brought me little gifts (let's not belabor what those were), we spent nights together (sometimes afternoons), she made me laugh.

Then to help her out, I moved in with her, to get the crazy room mate to leave. It worked. But then I had all these warning signs. "Run", I kept thinking; but I felt I owed her. And I did, I owed her, something. but my life? Yes, I felt so at the time. But in hindsight, did I owe her my life? No. That, was just my own foolishness and immaturity.

We live and we learn.


So I made the second most ultimate sacrifice and when she pushed for it, I married her. I thought, I owed her, and I'm not going to take physical beauty into consideration. Now, she wasn't ugly, by any means, but I didn't find her attractive in my normal sense of the word. But I decided to not consider that.

From there on, it was a pretty off and on, rocky situation. Not because of me, though. Unless you think that having ethics, morals (and I don't care much for that word, I prefer ethics), is a problem. Like when I refused to lie for her on the phone to a friend of hers. She got mad and said she was never again going to lie for me; what's the problem, they're just little "white social lies". My reply was that I never asked her to lie for me, but she did it anyway and I had kept asking her not to lie to people on my behalf and that I never relied on her lying for me; which seemed to surprise her.

I hadn't realized then, but I do now, that when someone changes to meet your standards (no lies, basically, stand up for yourself, openly, etc.), that can be a warning sign and a road to relationship disaster.

Consider, if Angelina Jolie, of if you're a woman, Brad Pitt (or insert your favorite obsession), dropped into your life and wanted you, but you didn't match their sense of perfection, although, you got all the benefits of being with them (and for the sake of this argument and fantasy), and none of the detractions; wouldn't you, try to change a little to match up to what they need. Come on, be honest. Just about anyone would bend at least (what they consider) a little bit. We all do, its called compromise, which is part and parcel of all relationships. And necessary up to a point and that point is, to compromise situations but not, yourself.

For instance, you'd have to deal with them having bed scenes in movies; who wouldn't that bother?

My point her is this, after a while, you would most likely find that you cannot subjugate your "self", your beliefs, your understanding of the world, the universe, life and death and dealings in daily life, for them; no matter how much you wanted to. At some point, it might even turn into a pathology. And it would be over, because, hey, who wants to date a loon?

And so, you lose them, whether or not, you sacrifice your "self" for them, or not. The only difference probably would be, that you gave up your beliefs for them, when in reality, you may have kept them even longer, had you simply stuck to your guns. It happens. My main orientation in life now is to be as heartfelt and honest as possible. It helps and you don't have to be abrasive about it; I'm always amazed too, at how well that works.

I explained this to a friend once, about that relationship I had. I didn't change myself for her; but I made it clear what I needed from a partner, and I said that I didn't think we could make it, because we were just too different. In important ways. She got upset and said she could change. I tried to persuade her against it, but maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I should have just walked, for both our benefit. But when someone says they want to try to be better? What do you say? No? Well, in this case, Yes.

But I didn't, she wanted it so badly, that I caved and said, "Okay, I'll get it a shot".

But I will not put up with living with someone who lies all the time. She seemed to do very well for a year or two. But then, the buffer she'd used all her life, came crashing down and she began to revert to her old self. And that was the beginning of the end. And then, it was the end.

So, in the end kids, don't compromise your"self". Simply Be who you are. Try to be the best person you can be. Try to find someone who matches up to that most closely. Its OKAY to have someone you are very different from, as long as you match up in what is important.

Oh, and another friend I told all this too? She said, "So, let me get this straight. Rather than choose on all the elements you had based your life on, you dicided to not make a fully conscious and for you, rational decision about her, and you just threw caution to the wind? However unintentional that was, that was your theory for building a relationship? So you thought that by not making a fully considered decision, that things would work out better than in the past when you made fully rational and considered decisions? And from that, you expected it to turn out, all right? Isn't that, a form of insanity?"

Well, to be honest, I didn't expect it to turn out all right, I just thought I'd give it the good old college try and I did try. But relationships, although they should take work and not just play, in order to make them work; as you have seen, they require more elements than fun and play, and ignoring yourself.

In the end, indeed, it was a little insane. But it seemed to be the right thing to do at the time.
Hopefully however, we will live and learn from these kinds of things.
I know, I have.

But have you?

No comments:

Post a Comment