Bill Maher's Real Time closing monologue - ep.194 October 22nd 2010

... if I were you, I'd really want her [Christine O'Donnel] to stop saying, "she is you" [in her ad].

86% of Tea Partiers think climate change is a hoax. That's not you.

Tea Partiers want to repeal the healthcare law. But two-thirds of Americans either like it or want it to go further. 59% of Americans support Gay marriage and civil unions.

The Tea Partiers support traditional gender roles, where men are in charge, like Glen Beck.
[laughter]
And women are soft and emotionally fragile, with spooky mood swings, like Glen Beck.
[big laughter and applause]

Six in ten Americans think illegal Mexicans should have a path to citizenship and be allowed to stay here. And the other four in ten ARE illegal Mexicans.
[laughter]

Now, I know that you Tea Baggers at home are already blogging, "if Americans are like you Bill, then how come the Republicans are going to take over the Congress?"

Well, first of all, thank you for watching.
[laughter]
I know there's wrestling on another channel.
[big laughter]

And second, to answer your question, the Democrats will lose because, "A", they don't brag about their achievements.
[light applause]
And "B", they never get it, that these days you have to sum up your message in one succint phrase, like:

"We'll cut your taxes."
Or, "Here's a photo of my penis."
[laughter]

Which brings me to the one succint phrase that could keep the Democrats in power in 2012.

"We will legalize Pot."
[thunderous applause and cheering]

Wait, I'm not saying this just to get cheap applause. Although, I have achieved that goal. [laughter] I'm saying it because reliable surveys tell us that there's only one thing that will rouse our precious youth to the voting booth; the way "Jackass in 3D" got them out to the theaters.
[laughter]

And that's, Pot. It's the unwritten second half of Obama's slogan: "Yes we can... get high at the mall." [laughter]

Now, in the legalization of marijuana, the Democrats finally could have something they have always wanted. A "wedge issue".

Remember "wedge issues"? Things like Gay marriage, and Prayer in school, and other bullshit that Republicans used for years to get hillbillies to the poll.
[light applause]

That's how Bush got elected in 2004.
[applause]

You know this. Its the facts.
[applause]

Carl Rove put Gay marriage on the ballot in eleven key states knowing that all the Christian shit kickers would come out against boys kissing and stick around to pull the level for "Buggles the clown" [Bush].
[laughter]

Now Nationwide, young people eighteen to twenty-nine, are expected to make up just 6% of those voting in the mid-terms. Six percent? I've seen more young people than that at Larry King's Canasta parties.
[laughter]
I actually have.
[laughter]

But here in California, where the "weed" legalizing proposition 19 is on the ballot, the kids are expected to make up 12% of the voters. Still pathetic, but to go from 6% to 12%? That's...well, I'm a little stoned right now but a lot.
[laughter]

All right, that's our show....
[big applause and laughter]

From Real Time with Bill Maher (episode 194)