Monday, January 17, 2011

13 points for Surviving a Horror Movie

I was just watching 2009s, "The Last House on the Left", a Wes Craven produced Horror film; It is a remake of the 1972 film of the same name,. It motivated me to write one of these, how to survive things. I thought it was pretty good, for being that kind of movie. Cinematography was excellent. It had some refreshing elements in the horror genre. Still, there were some natural and common mistakes committed by the normal and not so common characters.
And so we have my version of....

13 points for Surviving, should you find you are in a Horror Movie:

1) If you have had sex with someone, simply kill yourself, as it has to be better than whatever is about to happen to you before this is all over. However, if the someone you had sex with was the killer, hang in there, they make get their due in the end.

2) When you find you have a killer to deal with, grab a gun; if you don't own one, start now, but own it before you need it.

3) If someone shows up with a random bullet wound, or if one of your group turns up having been attacked, or you find them dead and its not from old age, or some similar natural cause, immediately grab (go get, find, beg, borrow, steal, or make...get it?) a gun; or get them to safety if they are still alive, whichever is more available or reasonable.

Always grab the gun first if possible, though sometimes getting them to safety is the most safe thing to do (typically because that is where the gun is), and it also gets you to safety. However, if getting them to safety means taking them where the assailant is, and it may even be a friend or a part of your group, you have to at least acknowledge and consider that possibility, and then act accordingly (typically to deduce who it is, and then kill them).

4) If you hit, stab, or shoot the killer, do NOT stop. Stabbing: do not leave the knife in them for them to use; pull it the Hell out and practice stabbing techniques for as long as there is movement; then continue on to the vital points until you are tired. Bludgeoning: beat them untill you are tired, if you can keep going and they are still alive, for God's sake, keep going. Shooting: if you shoot them once, typically it stuns them for a second, but only for a second; use that time to take better aim and take off the top of their head, preferably along with their eyes; because a murderer without eyes, is a somewhat distracted and well, blind, murderer.

5) Literally anything can be used as a weapon. Be inventive. Once you find, or create a weapon, do it again, carry as much (and as hidden but easily accessible) as possible. Remember, redundancy, is King.

6) Once you realize your situation, create a plan, once you have created a plan, created plan B, then plan C. If you have time, create a plan D.

7) Once you get the upper hand, do NOT get all righteous and religious. Screw that, go Medieval on their ass(es). Pretend you enjoy it. Remember that the phrase is, "neutralize the threat" (and once you think it IS neutralized, look around, its probably got elements to it you hadn't seen yet).

8) If there are multiple attackers, always attack the most powerful first. Remember, divide and conquer. When you do shoot the first time, don't hesitate for the theatrical effect, continue shooting, one bullet per person, then recycle and start again from the beginning.

9) When you have a gun, or a more powerful weapon than your attackers, do NOT allow them to neutralize it. If you shoot them once, do not allow them to throw a table or lamp or something at you, or to allow someone else to blindside you. Shoot first (repeatedly and accurately, see item #4 above) and ask questions later. Better still, don't ask questions at all, just get the Hell out of there. Remember, whenever you can finally get out of there, well, see item # 12 below.

10) Always remember this is THEIR hobby, THEIR entertainment; when you do get the advantage over them, take it with extreme prejudice; waste no time, do not hesitate, do not think. If you think, think these thoughts: "I am a killing machine, I live to kill my object, my object is my attacker, my attacker is not a person, it is an object, I live to kill my object. I am a killing MACHINE." But don't even think that, just kill them. If you come upon them dead, perhaps a friend of yours died while killing them, kill them again anyway, then run away (see item #12 below).

11) If you decide to capture your assailant, don't. If you DO capture your assailant, do it in such a way that you can kill them in the process. If you capture them and for some sick, stupid reason you decide to keep them for the authorities (screw the authorities, kill them), do not: tie them up in only one way; do not tie them up near anything they can use; be sure to watch them (always from a distance) and every second.

If you need to sleep, kill them, kill them several times even; then sleep the sleep of peace (and wonder, that you;'re still alive), in another room (another very secured room). If they try to talk to you, disable their ability to speak; to do so, kill them if necessary. Do not feed them, keeping them hungry only makes them weaker. Do not give them water, keeping them thirsty only makes them weaker and harder for them to talk (you really don't want to hear what they have to say anyway). Do not take them to the bathroom. Ever. If and when possible, do not give them air, either.

12) If you do somehow, even accidentally kill the evil one(s), as you go for help, remember, they probably had an assistant, or an entire family who may now be looking for you to seek their revenge and pleasures.

13) If you do survive all this, you may wake up in bed, realizing you were in a dream, and probably still are. And if so, you're not done yet. They, are still out there looking for you. Find them first.

In the end, kill them and live to see another day.

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