Friday, July 8, 2011

The weight that hovers above us all

I'm watching "Igby Goes Down". The central character, Igby, has an interesting set of parents. A scary mother played most excellently by Susan Sarandon, but a much nicer mother than I've had to deal with the last half of my own life and an excellent father played by Bill Pullman, as his schizophrenic dad. There is a scene with Pullman, who loses it while showering with his silk pajamas on. He starts raging behind the translucent glass door, smashes it with his fist and then sits there in the shower as his young son tearfully watches him. Dad (Pullman, in a tour de force, performance) says:

"Igby, I feel this great, great pressure... coming down on me. It's just, constantly, coming down on me. Crushing me."
Bill Pullman

Can you relate? I can relate. I think we all can relate. And we are all at risk of our parent's phobias, paranoia and psychosis.

But it got me to thinking. How is it, this general fear, paranoia, crushing pressure of Life, doesn't crush us all.

I think for many, they simply don't feel it, they are oblivious. some of us are too stupid to see it, some, too intelligent, or are simply such good Artists that they are generally rewarded and recognized and are constantly slipping out from under it.

Others, bear it with no difficulty. Some, bear it with some, or all, duress. Some, simply cannot handle it, some complicatedly cannot handle it; they flip out, run off, are flighty, flaky, or lost.

If you feel it then, I think you are intelligent. At least, in some way. How you handle it, is the thing, you see. Because it is always there, for everyone. It's simply how you handle it that matters.

And I started to wonder: how do I handle it?

I realized, if I looked at it, with my "inner eye", that I could see it, hanging there above me. A dark shadow, a heavy dark weighted thing, suspended there above me, always, waiting to crush me. But I handle its being there simply by, ignoring it.

Sisyphus rollin' that ball up that hill

I'm aware it's there. And I do things to keep it there, keep it from descending upon me; I have a buffer between myself and it. It is a fearsome thing, that weight, but one that needs to be kept at bay. For it is only when that buffer does close in upon you, crushing you, that things can then become dangerous.

We are all at risk. We all have things to keep at bay. It's all in the dignity you choose to show, the actions you choose to play to keep it at bay, that give you the quality of your life. It's your Life. It's the quality you want to have, your choices, that give you that happiness in life, or that great sadness. It's your choice.

Choose well.

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