I was with someone for a while way back when, for like five years, who I was never really ever that physically attractive to. She was cute, to be sure, but she had, personality. She had a lot of personality, a lot of character. She was indeed, a real "character".
Maybe, too much for her own good. She made her own rules.
She, was an artist, and a Leo for those into that kind of thing (for more on the artist, character and behavior, see tomorrow's blog).
Her rules in life, didn't match mine. Her fules were designed to allow her the most leeway in life. She designed her personality to allow her a good sized buffer between herself, her behaviors and life itself. Now, I see that, as being "flaky". Effervescent, but not, in a good way.
I think that was what has caused her so much trouble all her life. And still to this day, does, almost twenty years later. Perhaps its also why she has had a drinking problem all her life. If you have too much personality, you need to dampen it with something. But not, reality; more likely, drugs, alcohol, drama. Something.
I have heard the arguments that you shouldn't pay too much attention to physical beauty, but really, isn't that mostly something people say who lack they physical beauty to get to share in the profits of those who do have it?
Up to the point that I had met his woman, I had always been pretty physically attractive women (no pun intended). That isn't to say that is all that those women had going for them; they were bright, funny, interesting, but they had the added element of being physically attractive.
However, up to that point, none of my relationships had lasted (forever, and who's does, right?). So I decided that I would try not to look at physical attractiveness. A friend had mentioned that. He said, "you know, all your women have been really good looking. Maybe you're looking at the wrong things?" It stuck with me. It was nonsense, but I didn't know that then, and I had to consider it.
So, when I met this women, she was very low key for a couple of weeks. Then, she pounced. She said later that saw me, decided she wanted me, and was going to get me (her words, no, really, I swear); her life situation, my life situation (I had just sworn off dating) and her live in boyfriend, notwithstanding (tacky, right?).
When we hit that point of no return, I considered the relationship. Everything said run. But I knew, if I thought she was really hot looking, I'd fully be there, into it (tacky, right? Hey, I was young).
It was in a kind of low point in my life and she was bringing light into my darkness (e.g., she liked to "party"). She brought me little gifts (let's not belabor what those were), we spent nights together (sometimes afternoons), she made me laugh.
Then to help her out, I moved in with her, to get the crazy room mate to leave. It worked. But then I had all these warning signs. "Run", I kept thinking; but I felt I owed her. And I did, I owed her, something. but my life? Yes, I felt so at the time. But in hindsight, did I owe her my life? No. That, was just my own foolishness and immaturity.
We live and we learn.
Hopefully.
So I made the second most ultimate sacrifice and when she pushed for it, I married her. I thought, I owed her, and I'm not going to take physical beauty into consideration. Now, she wasn't ugly, by any means, but I didn't find her attractive in my normal sense of the word. But I decided to not consider that.
From there on, it was a pretty off and on, rocky situation. Not because of me, though. Unless you think that having ethics, morals (and I don't care much for that word, I prefer ethics), is a problem. Like when I refused to lie for her on the phone to a friend of hers. She got mad and said she was never again going to lie for me; what's the problem, they're just little "white social lies". My reply was that I never asked her to lie for me, but she did it anyway and I had kept asking her not to lie to people on my behalf and that I never relied on her lying for me; which seemed to surprise her.
I hadn't realized then, but I do now, that when someone changes to meet your standards (no lies, basically, stand up for yourself, openly, etc.), that can be a warning sign and a road to relationship disaster.
Consider, if Angelina Jolie, of if you're a woman, Brad Pitt (or insert your favorite obsession), dropped into your life and wanted you, but you didn't match their sense of perfection, although, you got all the benefits of being with them (and for the sake of this argument and fantasy), and none of the detractions; wouldn't you, try to change a little to match up to what they need. Come on, be honest. Just about anyone would bend at least (what they consider) a little bit. We all do, its called compromise, which is part and parcel of all relationships. And necessary up to a point and that point is, to compromise situations but not, yourself.
For instance, you'd have to deal with them having bed scenes in movies; who wouldn't that bother?
My point her is this, after a while, you would most likely find that you cannot subjugate your "self", your beliefs, your understanding of the world, the universe, life and death and dealings in daily life, for them; no matter how much you wanted to. At some point, it might even turn into a pathology. And it would be over, because, hey, who wants to date a loon?
And so, you lose them, whether or not, you sacrifice your "self" for them, or not. The only difference probably would be, that you gave up your beliefs for them, when in reality, you may have kept them even longer, had you simply stuck to your guns. It happens. My main orientation in life now is to be as heartfelt and honest as possible. It helps and you don't have to be abrasive about it; I'm always amazed too, at how well that works.
I explained this to a friend once, about that relationship I had. I didn't change myself for her; but I made it clear what I needed from a partner, and I said that I didn't think we could make it, because we were just too different. In important ways. She got upset and said she could change. I tried to persuade her against it, but maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I should have just walked, for both our benefit. But when someone says they want to try to be better? What do you say? No? Well, in this case, Yes.
But I didn't, she wanted it so badly, that I caved and said, "Okay, I'll get it a shot".
But I will not put up with living with someone who lies all the time. She seemed to do very well for a year or two. But then, the buffer she'd used all her life, came crashing down and she began to revert to her old self. And that was the beginning of the end. And then, it was the end.
So, in the end kids, don't compromise your"self". Simply Be who you are. Try to be the best person you can be. Try to find someone who matches up to that most closely. Its OKAY to have someone you are very different from, as long as you match up in what is important.
Oh, and another friend I told all this too? She said, "So, let me get this straight. Rather than choose on all the elements you had based your life on, you dicided to not make a fully conscious and for you, rational decision about her, and you just threw caution to the wind? However unintentional that was, that was your theory for building a relationship? So you thought that by not making a fully considered decision, that things would work out better than in the past when you made fully rational and considered decisions? And from that, you expected it to turn out, all right? Isn't that, a form of insanity?"
Well, to be honest, I didn't expect it to turn out all right, I just thought I'd give it the good old college try and I did try. But relationships, although they should take work and not just play, in order to make them work; as you have seen, they require more elements than fun and play, and ignoring yourself.
In the end, indeed, it was a little insane. But it seemed to be the right thing to do at the time.
Hopefully however, we will live and learn from these kinds of things.
I know, I have.
But have you?
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Film news - Wolverine and others
WOLVERINE WILL NOT APPEAR IN ‘X-MEN:FIRST CLASS’
Wolverine’s been a constant a source of rumour mill half truths all year, thanks to continued debates over who’ll be helming his second solo film outing.But one rumour we can officially quash is the one saying that Hugh Jackman will be cameoing in Matthew Vaughn’s upcoming mutant prequel X-Men: First Class.“He’s not in the movie. He’s in the Wolverine movies,” says producer Bryan Singer.Easy come, easy go. It’s sad news for those hoping for the mullet-faced Aussie to put in a continuity-aiding vignette, but not exactly the end of the world.X-Men: First Class opens in the UK on 2 June, 2011.
TO COMMENT ON THIS WEEK’S HORROR NEWS,PLEASE FOLLOW THIS LINK- Rich Goellnitz
RECENT HORROR NEWS NOVEMBER 11TH 2010
‘THE WALKING DEAD’ SEASON 2 CONFIRMED
The Walking Dead Season 2 has been greenlit according to a post on MoviesOnline which sources ABC News. This comes after early rumors from Fangoria that Season 2 would begin shooting in February of next year. This really comes as no surprise to me at all when you consider the fact that Episode 1 'Days Gone Bye' was the highest rated cable show for 2010. Add to that that Episode 2 is currently in the Top 40 most searched terms on google its clear that AMC needs to listen to the fans and their own potential profits and bring us a second season. Frank Darabont has said in interviews that Season 2 if it happened would focus on the second volume of the hit graphic novel and introduce the unique visual styles of that book and its environments into the show. I for one am very excited by this news.
TIM BURTON’S ‘DARK SHADOWS’ TO SHOOT IN 2011
Tim Burton and Johnny Depp’s eighth movie collaboration will finally head into production in April next year.Dark Shadows has been attempting to jostle its way into the pair’s ever-crammed schedule for years, and now finally they’ve found a gap to make it.Based on the ‘60s gothic daytime soap, Dark Shadows sees Depp donning fangs as vampire Barnabas Collins, a 175-year-old neckchewer who’s searching for lost love Josette. The character essentially did for Dark Shadows what Joan Collins did for Dynasty, boosting ratings to such an extent that Barnabas became the show’s main star. Depp's mentioned it is his "childhood dream" to play the role.Pride And Prejudice And Zombies novelist Seth Grahame-Smith is currently redrafting a version of the script originally scribbled by John Big Fish August.Despite Depp and Burton's last collab reaping the messy Alice In Wonderland, we're hopeful their return to gothic horror could result in one of their best films in years.
‘TOXIC AVENGER’ REMAKE HAS A DIRECTOR
Hot Tub Time Machine's Steve Pink has signed to direct the remake of the seminal Troma offering The Toxic Avenger.Yes, we live in strange times, my friend, when Troma's library is now being mined for properties to reboot.Pink will script the Avenger film with Daniel C. Mitchell for producers Akiva Goldsman, Richard Saperstein and Charlie Corwin.If you've never seen the original, the story focuses on a bullied nerd who has an accident involving toxic waste and turns into a hideously deformed brute.
DIRECTOR TALKS PLANS FOR ‘SILENT HILL 2’
Now that Michael Bassett is writing and directing the long-mooted Silent Hill sequel, called Silent Hill: Revelation, fans are eager to see what the Death Watch director is going to bring to the cinematic SH mythos Christophe Gans brought to the screen in 2006.
Bassett took to his blog to explain his intentions:
"I love the games and was a huge admirer of the first film. Especially how Christophe Gans and his team managed to capture the look and feel of the world. I say, if it ain't broke don't fix it, so I'm bringing back as many of that core creative team as I can – but I'm probably going to bring just a little more darkness and fear into the mix as well. I love the complex mythology and psychological twists that Konami created so will do my best honor that aspect too. I'm determined to deliver a film that builds on the qualities of the first film and draws on the best aspects of the games whilst giving the audience more nuanced characters, a compelling story and introducing some terrifying new monsters (as well as bringing back a few favorites) and, most important of all… just scaring the shit out of everyone."
‘ZON 261’ PLOT DETAILS
Got a synopsis on the upcoming Swedish Zombie movie ‘ZON 261’:
Landskrona, 2013th strong disagreements between Svenner and immigrants. A ship crashes into the harbor. Police enters the wreck - and attacked by the infected herd. The bitten policemen is in a coma.And wakes up as monsters.The infection is spreading like wildfire. Any attempt to flee the city.But the city is quarantined - National Task Force and the military set up a concrete wall around The few non-infected - Svenner and immigrants - taking shelter in the citadel.Meanwhile, the infected try to turn themselves in to their haunts, they must be uninfected decide which ones are the worst monsters: their former enemies on the inside - or those infected out there.While the conflicts inside escalates to boiling point, the non-infected, in order to survive, to determine if they see their former enemies as monsters - or as sisters and brothers, if they see each other as Svenner and blue - or as neighbors.
TO COMMENT ON THIS WEEK’S HORROR NEWS,PLEASE FOLLOW THIS LINK- Rich Goellnitz
RECENT HORROR NEWS NOVEMBER 11TH 2010
‘THE WALKING DEAD’ SEASON 2 CONFIRMED
The Walking Dead Season 2 has been greenlit according to a post on MoviesOnline which sources ABC News. This comes after early rumors from Fangoria that Season 2 would begin shooting in February of next year. This really comes as no surprise to me at all when you consider the fact that Episode 1 'Days Gone Bye' was the highest rated cable show for 2010. Add to that that Episode 2 is currently in the Top 40 most searched terms on google its clear that AMC needs to listen to the fans and their own potential profits and bring us a second season. Frank Darabont has said in interviews that Season 2 if it happened would focus on the second volume of the hit graphic novel and introduce the unique visual styles of that book and its environments into the show. I for one am very excited by this news.
TIM BURTON’S ‘DARK SHADOWS’ TO SHOOT IN 2011
Tim Burton and Johnny Depp’s eighth movie collaboration will finally head into production in April next year.Dark Shadows has been attempting to jostle its way into the pair’s ever-crammed schedule for years, and now finally they’ve found a gap to make it.Based on the ‘60s gothic daytime soap, Dark Shadows sees Depp donning fangs as vampire Barnabas Collins, a 175-year-old neckchewer who’s searching for lost love Josette. The character essentially did for Dark Shadows what Joan Collins did for Dynasty, boosting ratings to such an extent that Barnabas became the show’s main star. Depp's mentioned it is his "childhood dream" to play the role.Pride And Prejudice And Zombies novelist Seth Grahame-Smith is currently redrafting a version of the script originally scribbled by John Big Fish August.Despite Depp and Burton's last collab reaping the messy Alice In Wonderland, we're hopeful their return to gothic horror could result in one of their best films in years.
‘TOXIC AVENGER’ REMAKE HAS A DIRECTOR
Hot Tub Time Machine's Steve Pink has signed to direct the remake of the seminal Troma offering The Toxic Avenger.Yes, we live in strange times, my friend, when Troma's library is now being mined for properties to reboot.Pink will script the Avenger film with Daniel C. Mitchell for producers Akiva Goldsman, Richard Saperstein and Charlie Corwin.If you've never seen the original, the story focuses on a bullied nerd who has an accident involving toxic waste and turns into a hideously deformed brute.
DIRECTOR TALKS PLANS FOR ‘SILENT HILL 2’
Now that Michael Bassett is writing and directing the long-mooted Silent Hill sequel, called Silent Hill: Revelation, fans are eager to see what the Death Watch director is going to bring to the cinematic SH mythos Christophe Gans brought to the screen in 2006.
Bassett took to his blog to explain his intentions:
"I love the games and was a huge admirer of the first film. Especially how Christophe Gans and his team managed to capture the look and feel of the world. I say, if it ain't broke don't fix it, so I'm bringing back as many of that core creative team as I can – but I'm probably going to bring just a little more darkness and fear into the mix as well. I love the complex mythology and psychological twists that Konami created so will do my best honor that aspect too. I'm determined to deliver a film that builds on the qualities of the first film and draws on the best aspects of the games whilst giving the audience more nuanced characters, a compelling story and introducing some terrifying new monsters (as well as bringing back a few favorites) and, most important of all… just scaring the shit out of everyone."
‘ZON 261’ PLOT DETAILS
Got a synopsis on the upcoming Swedish Zombie movie ‘ZON 261’:
Landskrona, 2013th strong disagreements between Svenner and immigrants. A ship crashes into the harbor. Police enters the wreck - and attacked by the infected herd. The bitten policemen is in a coma.And wakes up as monsters.The infection is spreading like wildfire. Any attempt to flee the city.But the city is quarantined - National Task Force and the military set up a concrete wall around The few non-infected - Svenner and immigrants - taking shelter in the citadel.Meanwhile, the infected try to turn themselves in to their haunts, they must be uninfected decide which ones are the worst monsters: their former enemies on the inside - or those infected out there.While the conflicts inside escalates to boiling point, the non-infected, in order to survive, to determine if they see their former enemies as monsters - or as sisters and brothers, if they see each other as Svenner and blue - or as neighbors.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Infidelity, take them back? Typically? No.
If your partner has an affair and you find out, what do you do? Take them back? Dump them? Shoot them?
If one partner is interested in going outside the relationship, well, you've kind of already lost something.
Its just how it is. If they have done something, you can try to repair the relationship, but its so much easier to move on. Indeed, it would depend on the relationship that the two of you have. Many times, its just not going to work. Why? Because people now a days are looking for the easy out, the least amount of effort and so, you will fail. Because as everyone knows, to get better, you have to want to. And once someone has had an affair and felt how pleasurable it can be, its hard to buckle down and maintain that old relationship, even if you think, you want to.
You see, you have to deal with the baggage and dynamics of the old relationship and those are are very hard to change (cause and effect, how you treat one another, etc.).
So, how have I handled this situation over my own lifetime?
I have a semi unique situation. The first woman that had an affair on me, was the first woman ever to do that to me, she was in fact the first women ever to break up with me. I later realized how bad that was. Experience a break up as young as possible, high school is best. I was thirty at the time and we'd been together for about six years. I simply had no mechanism for handling it, and a year and a half after the break up, I had partied myself into near death. I had trouble climbing stairs, a cup of coffee felt like I was going to have a heart attack, it was bad.
Once I realized I did want to live and continue on, I stopped my behavior, rebuilt myself, and exercised daily; but sadly, I had decided to be with a new woman, who was just as self destructive to me (and her) as I had been to myself. She in part, had helped me have a thirst for life again, to make me smile again. But she pushed me into getting married (she proposed, then I did what I thought was "right" (proposing to her), plus I felt she made me smile again and so I "owed" her (stupid stupid stupid)). In hindsight, perhaps, I should have merely thanked her, and walked off. But I did what I thought was the morally correct thing to do.
Interesting how you can do what is "right" and later realize that the best thing for all, would have been to be the cad. I had toled her about my previous relationship and had asked her, if she ever wanted to leave, just do it, don't put me through such a "common" thing as having an affair. As it turned out, she was quite "common" in her behavior.
When I was finally ready to walk, about to ask for a divorce, she said she was pregnant, which I thought, wasn't going to happen. She did this, by not telling me that she stopped taking the pill for two months. And this right after we had discussed and agreed, to not have kids until we got out of debt and even had at least $100 in the bank.
Again, I tried to do what was right, and stay because I didn't want my child to go through the life I had to live through in childhood. In the end, there was nothing I could do to avoid that. Eventually, she said she thought I was boring because I was trying then to grow up and build a family, to get our finances under control, etc., so she had an affair with a guy she thought was, "exciting". Eventually, she dumped him, because he wanted to get married. Pretty ironic, don't you think? It goes back to the "good guys finish last" thought. Had I been more of a not good guy, my life would have been a lot better at many crossroads.
Several of my long term relationships were with women who were bi. For obvious reasons perhaps, I didn't have a problem with them having a relationship with a woman, as long as it was all above board, ethical, friendly and positive. We had rules. That part of the relationship, seemed to work fine.
But in the end, two of them ran off to have an affair with a guy. At least the first one, ended up marrying the guy, which took some of the sting out of it, as I did want the best for her. They had two kids, then he died in bed. She remarried and had another child and is pretty well set for life financially.
My most desired relationship (not one of those already mentioned), involved a break up that in some ways, had nothing much to do with me, really. She ended it for reasons I won't get into but had nothing to do with her relationships with women or really, myself, in many ways. Of course, sometimes when there are reasons that have nothing to do with you, they have everything to do with you.
These women were all very confused emotionally, and needed a lot more growing up. My fault, I suppose for not choosing partners that were more mature, more intellectually stable. For following my heart (or something else) rather than my head, or at least listening to my head and giving it some credence.
This last woman, I thought, had a lot of class, and so we ended things without others being involved. Yes, I do know that's true, trust me, I checked. I still have a lot of affection for her, in many ways. And she is still confused emotionally and has a new child. I assume that child too will have problems but there is nothing I can do about that. She is her parent's problem now. And I feel badly about that.
From Steven D. Solomon, Ph.D. and Lorie J. Teagno, Ph.D.:
"The study also revealed that the people whose sexual histories included more risky situations or had cheated on a partner before were more likely to lie to get what they wanted.
"Propelled by self-interest, people tend to lie outright when asked by potential partners about their sexual past."
So....
All I have asked of any partner is that if you want to end a relationship with me, do it. Don't act like a child and begin another relationship before ending your initial one. If you do that, you have my undying respect. And, if you are smart enough, you can understand that you have respect for yourself. If you don't do it, you need help, you are immature, your self esteem is incredibly low and you are living a way of life that is going to lead to bad things. For you, not for me.
In the end, if you find your spouse is having an affair, you have a lot to think about. Evaluate the relationship. If you have no children, its much easier to decide to walk. If you have kids, you have to take them more into consideration than yourself. In the end, you may find that the best thing is, to break up. Kids are experts at reading subtext, so don't think you can talk derisively to your partner and not have the kids pick up on it and yes, it will damage them.
Consider carefully when you split up. But don't stay, if its only going to make all involved suffer. And if you don't have kids, you have the luxury of taking a hike. Do not rationalize that you are going to stay or make it work for your partner, do something for yourself at this time; they did. And maybe, they aren't your partner any longer. You also have to ask yourself, will we be going through this again? And chances are, if you stay together, the answer is, yes.
There are no easy answers. But there is, trying hard to go through the situation with your eyes open. Therapy helps (for you, even consider, getting two therapists, one for the relationship and one for you). Typically by the time you seek therapy for your relationship, it's too late. So get it sooner than later. Everyone should see a therapist once in a while, just like a check up for your car. Tweak things ahead of time, not after things are broken.
If you find you are in this situation, remember one thing. Build your self esteem. Or if you have plenty, fine tune it. Do things for yourself. Prepare for being single. Don't grab onto the relationship like a drowning swimmer. Sometimes, that alone can save a relationship, if you still want to.
If one partner is interested in going outside the relationship, well, you've kind of already lost something.
Its just how it is. If they have done something, you can try to repair the relationship, but its so much easier to move on. Indeed, it would depend on the relationship that the two of you have. Many times, its just not going to work. Why? Because people now a days are looking for the easy out, the least amount of effort and so, you will fail. Because as everyone knows, to get better, you have to want to. And once someone has had an affair and felt how pleasurable it can be, its hard to buckle down and maintain that old relationship, even if you think, you want to.
You see, you have to deal with the baggage and dynamics of the old relationship and those are are very hard to change (cause and effect, how you treat one another, etc.).
So, how have I handled this situation over my own lifetime?
I have a semi unique situation. The first woman that had an affair on me, was the first woman ever to do that to me, she was in fact the first women ever to break up with me. I later realized how bad that was. Experience a break up as young as possible, high school is best. I was thirty at the time and we'd been together for about six years. I simply had no mechanism for handling it, and a year and a half after the break up, I had partied myself into near death. I had trouble climbing stairs, a cup of coffee felt like I was going to have a heart attack, it was bad.
Once I realized I did want to live and continue on, I stopped my behavior, rebuilt myself, and exercised daily; but sadly, I had decided to be with a new woman, who was just as self destructive to me (and her) as I had been to myself. She in part, had helped me have a thirst for life again, to make me smile again. But she pushed me into getting married (she proposed, then I did what I thought was "right" (proposing to her), plus I felt she made me smile again and so I "owed" her (stupid stupid stupid)). In hindsight, perhaps, I should have merely thanked her, and walked off. But I did what I thought was the morally correct thing to do.
Interesting how you can do what is "right" and later realize that the best thing for all, would have been to be the cad. I had toled her about my previous relationship and had asked her, if she ever wanted to leave, just do it, don't put me through such a "common" thing as having an affair. As it turned out, she was quite "common" in her behavior.
When I was finally ready to walk, about to ask for a divorce, she said she was pregnant, which I thought, wasn't going to happen. She did this, by not telling me that she stopped taking the pill for two months. And this right after we had discussed and agreed, to not have kids until we got out of debt and even had at least $100 in the bank.
Again, I tried to do what was right, and stay because I didn't want my child to go through the life I had to live through in childhood. In the end, there was nothing I could do to avoid that. Eventually, she said she thought I was boring because I was trying then to grow up and build a family, to get our finances under control, etc., so she had an affair with a guy she thought was, "exciting". Eventually, she dumped him, because he wanted to get married. Pretty ironic, don't you think? It goes back to the "good guys finish last" thought. Had I been more of a not good guy, my life would have been a lot better at many crossroads.
Several of my long term relationships were with women who were bi. For obvious reasons perhaps, I didn't have a problem with them having a relationship with a woman, as long as it was all above board, ethical, friendly and positive. We had rules. That part of the relationship, seemed to work fine.
But in the end, two of them ran off to have an affair with a guy. At least the first one, ended up marrying the guy, which took some of the sting out of it, as I did want the best for her. They had two kids, then he died in bed. She remarried and had another child and is pretty well set for life financially.
My most desired relationship (not one of those already mentioned), involved a break up that in some ways, had nothing much to do with me, really. She ended it for reasons I won't get into but had nothing to do with her relationships with women or really, myself, in many ways. Of course, sometimes when there are reasons that have nothing to do with you, they have everything to do with you.
These women were all very confused emotionally, and needed a lot more growing up. My fault, I suppose for not choosing partners that were more mature, more intellectually stable. For following my heart (or something else) rather than my head, or at least listening to my head and giving it some credence.
This last woman, I thought, had a lot of class, and so we ended things without others being involved. Yes, I do know that's true, trust me, I checked. I still have a lot of affection for her, in many ways. And she is still confused emotionally and has a new child. I assume that child too will have problems but there is nothing I can do about that. She is her parent's problem now. And I feel badly about that.
From Steven D. Solomon, Ph.D. and Lorie J. Teagno, Ph.D.:
"Reports have said that
60-75% of couples who have experienced a betrayal stay together.
However, this does not mean that these couples can heal their
relationships and regain trust and commitment to each other. In such
cases, many couples stay together after one or more infidelities not
because they're happy together but because they're afraid of the
alternative. They're afraid of being single, the impact of divorce on their kids, the financial implications, etc.
"But after the
25 years that each of us has worked in helping couples, we can say that
those who commit to the hard work of dealing with the devastation of
infidelity, and to being a partner who owns his or her weaknesses and
mistakes, have an excellent chance of not only staying together but of
coming out of the process with a strong, happy, and more fulfilling Long
Term Love Relationship. A strong majority of couples in which both
partners make such a commitment end up staying together because they're
happy together."
Okay. Well, consider, their group of people are those who have come to them for help. How many haven't come to them for help? Kind of skews their stats, don't you think?
Try Infidelity.com:
"Here are some infidelity statistics based on a survey by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago:
- 25 percent of men have had extramarital affairs
- 17 percent of women committed adultery
- Only 35 percent of unions survive an extramarital affair.
- 65 percent of marriages break up because of adultery
"The study also revealed that the people whose sexual histories included more risky situations or had cheated on a partner before were more likely to lie to get what they wanted.
"Propelled by self-interest, people tend to lie outright when asked by potential partners about their sexual past."
So....
All I have asked of any partner is that if you want to end a relationship with me, do it. Don't act like a child and begin another relationship before ending your initial one. If you do that, you have my undying respect. And, if you are smart enough, you can understand that you have respect for yourself. If you don't do it, you need help, you are immature, your self esteem is incredibly low and you are living a way of life that is going to lead to bad things. For you, not for me.
In the end, if you find your spouse is having an affair, you have a lot to think about. Evaluate the relationship. If you have no children, its much easier to decide to walk. If you have kids, you have to take them more into consideration than yourself. In the end, you may find that the best thing is, to break up. Kids are experts at reading subtext, so don't think you can talk derisively to your partner and not have the kids pick up on it and yes, it will damage them.
Consider carefully when you split up. But don't stay, if its only going to make all involved suffer. And if you don't have kids, you have the luxury of taking a hike. Do not rationalize that you are going to stay or make it work for your partner, do something for yourself at this time; they did. And maybe, they aren't your partner any longer. You also have to ask yourself, will we be going through this again? And chances are, if you stay together, the answer is, yes.
There are no easy answers. But there is, trying hard to go through the situation with your eyes open. Therapy helps (for you, even consider, getting two therapists, one for the relationship and one for you). Typically by the time you seek therapy for your relationship, it's too late. So get it sooner than later. Everyone should see a therapist once in a while, just like a check up for your car. Tweak things ahead of time, not after things are broken.
If you find you are in this situation, remember one thing. Build your self esteem. Or if you have plenty, fine tune it. Do things for yourself. Prepare for being single. Don't grab onto the relationship like a drowning swimmer. Sometimes, that alone can save a relationship, if you still want to.
This week's meteor shower: The Leonids
The Leonids are a prolific meteor shower associated with the comet Tempel-Tuttle. They get their name from the constellation Leo from which they appear to radiate. The annual meteor shower is extremely regular in its timing and can potentially be visible for days. This year's Leonids meteor shower peaks on November 17/18 in which maximum intensity can be as much as 100 "falling stars" per hour.
As the days get colder and shorter, the return of the Leonid meteor shower grows closer as well. The annual shower lasts from November 10 through the 23rd and peaks before dawn November 17. Unfortunately, Full Moon arrives November 21, so its light will interfere with meteor watching until after midnight.
While it can't compete with last year's spectacular display, this year's show still promises excitement. “Observers under a dark sky can expect to see around 20 meteors per hour radiating from the constellation Leo the Lion,” says Astronomy Senior Editor Richard Talcott. “The best time to watch on the 17th comes once the Moon sets around 3 a.m. local time.”
For More
As the days get colder and shorter, the return of the Leonid meteor shower grows closer as well. The annual shower lasts from November 10 through the 23rd and peaks before dawn November 17. Unfortunately, Full Moon arrives November 21, so its light will interfere with meteor watching until after midnight.
While it can't compete with last year's spectacular display, this year's show still promises excitement. “Observers under a dark sky can expect to see around 20 meteors per hour radiating from the constellation Leo the Lion,” says Astronomy Senior Editor Richard Talcott. “The best time to watch on the 17th comes once the Moon sets around 3 a.m. local time.”
For More
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Weekend Wise Words
Do not mind anything that anyone tells you about anyone else. Judge everyone and everything for yourself.
Henry James
Experience is never limited, and it is never complete; it is an immense sensibility, a kind of huge spider-web of the finest silken threads suspended in the chamber of consciousness, and catching every air-borne particle in its tissue.
Henry James
Henry James
Experience is never limited, and it is never complete; it is an immense sensibility, a kind of huge spider-web of the finest silken threads suspended in the chamber of consciousness, and catching every air-borne particle in its tissue.
Henry James
Friday, November 12, 2010
Global Warming, does it matter?
Why does it matter, if global warming is real or not?
There are always big arguments when this topic comes up, is it real, is it false, is it a conspiracy, what is it?
Who Cares? I'll say it again: WHO CARES!?
Isn't it just, a good idea, that we try...to make... (wait for it) the planet, Cleaner?!
Isn't that better, for EVERY one? Not to mention, it creates jobs? Don't we need more jobs right now? Don't we need more spending in the economies of the world?
So, what is the argument? Maybe I should say, IS there an argument that actually shoots down working on cleaning up the planet?
And if you think we shouldn't clean up the planet, clean up how we dump waste, what the hell does your own house look like? Is it a pig sty? Or is it clean?
There are always big arguments when this topic comes up, is it real, is it false, is it a conspiracy, what is it?
Who Cares? I'll say it again: WHO CARES!?
Isn't it just, a good idea, that we try...to make... (wait for it) the planet, Cleaner?!
Isn't that better, for EVERY one? Not to mention, it creates jobs? Don't we need more jobs right now? Don't we need more spending in the economies of the world?
So, what is the argument? Maybe I should say, IS there an argument that actually shoots down working on cleaning up the planet?
And if you think we shouldn't clean up the planet, clean up how we dump waste, what the hell does your own house look like? Is it a pig sty? Or is it clean?
Screenwriting, sales and "making it"
When you are working hard, writing, trying to become a writer, you tend not to think about what happens once you actually become, a writer. What do you do if you start having money come in? What if you make it big?
Its a big concern. Do NOT spend lavishly, do not show off by spending money. Do, take half of your money, and invest it (CAREFULLY), do take 10% and BLOW IT, have fun, go nuts, you've earned it and you deserve it. Use the rest to pay bills, buy supplies, whatever you really need.
Then, get back to work. Work harder now. You are almost there. Making one big sale, or starting to get an income, does not mean you've made it. If you are still doing it, five or ten years down the road, then you can look back and think, "Yes, I've made it!" But knowing you "made it" is a hindsight kind of thing. If you make it a now thing, or a foresight thing, then you are setting yourself up for failure. Or worse. Like the Lotto winner, who has nothing, is suddenly rich, then suddenly broke, and suddenly massively in debt, worse than ever before; do not, end up like that. Be paranoid, be wary, aware, careful and thoughtful. Set your self up for success not only in your writing, but also, and obviously and most importantly, in your budget.
After all, why are you working to become a writer? Because of the Art of it? The catharsis? The money? If you're doing it with the money, well, get another career. You'd best be doing it for the Art, the process. Then, you cannot fail. If you are doing it for the money, when you finally get some, be sure it stays. So, don't blow it all; invest it; and invest what you've achieved by continuing: write more, divest (money and effort).
If you are screenwriting, write a novel. If you are a novelist, start a blog (get a readership, use ads, make money off it), or better yet, start a blog first, its great practice and good for discipline. Obviously, I have a blog. I do two articles a day, try to write them as far beforehand as possible, edit whenever I can, and my more thoughtful writing has only gotten better and faster from it.
A blog is a bit of work. You don't have the time to perfect it, unless that's all you do, or your have an assistant, or editor, but few of us have that luxury.
I was just reading Script magazine, an article called Mo' Money Mo'. I use Final Draft screenwriting software and it comes with their great magazine, "Script" which I keep a yearly subscription to ever since.There was a great article this latest edition about a beginning screenwriter's finances once you make that first sale. I can't offer the article but here's the link to the Nov/Dec edition: (http://www.scriptmag.com/2010/11/04/whats-new-in-the-novdec-issue-of-script/)
I can offer you this article from Script, however: 8 Financial Tips for Writers.
Best of luck!
Its a big concern. Do NOT spend lavishly, do not show off by spending money. Do, take half of your money, and invest it (CAREFULLY), do take 10% and BLOW IT, have fun, go nuts, you've earned it and you deserve it. Use the rest to pay bills, buy supplies, whatever you really need.
Then, get back to work. Work harder now. You are almost there. Making one big sale, or starting to get an income, does not mean you've made it. If you are still doing it, five or ten years down the road, then you can look back and think, "Yes, I've made it!" But knowing you "made it" is a hindsight kind of thing. If you make it a now thing, or a foresight thing, then you are setting yourself up for failure. Or worse. Like the Lotto winner, who has nothing, is suddenly rich, then suddenly broke, and suddenly massively in debt, worse than ever before; do not, end up like that. Be paranoid, be wary, aware, careful and thoughtful. Set your self up for success not only in your writing, but also, and obviously and most importantly, in your budget.
After all, why are you working to become a writer? Because of the Art of it? The catharsis? The money? If you're doing it with the money, well, get another career. You'd best be doing it for the Art, the process. Then, you cannot fail. If you are doing it for the money, when you finally get some, be sure it stays. So, don't blow it all; invest it; and invest what you've achieved by continuing: write more, divest (money and effort).
If you are screenwriting, write a novel. If you are a novelist, start a blog (get a readership, use ads, make money off it), or better yet, start a blog first, its great practice and good for discipline. Obviously, I have a blog. I do two articles a day, try to write them as far beforehand as possible, edit whenever I can, and my more thoughtful writing has only gotten better and faster from it.
A blog is a bit of work. You don't have the time to perfect it, unless that's all you do, or your have an assistant, or editor, but few of us have that luxury.
I was just reading Script magazine, an article called Mo' Money Mo'. I use Final Draft screenwriting software and it comes with their great magazine, "Script" which I keep a yearly subscription to ever since.There was a great article this latest edition about a beginning screenwriter's finances once you make that first sale. I can't offer the article but here's the link to the Nov/Dec edition: (http://www.scriptmag.com/2010/11/04/whats-new-in-the-novdec-issue-of-script/)
I can offer you this article from Script, however: 8 Financial Tips for Writers.
Best of luck!
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