Wednesday, June 26, 2024

Walkabout Thoughts #90

Thoughts & Streams of Consciousness, rough and ready, from award-winning filmmaker/author you’ve never heard of while walking off reality, vestiges of long Covid halflife while listening to podcasts. Walking day: Monday, June 24, 2024.

Weather for the day… nice day, starting out, 59° overcast cool a bit too windy 65° back at home.

Podcast is Rachel Maddow presents Ultra ep., Malmedy Everybody should listen to this podcast. It's our history. It's current. It's a great example of how what is happening today, what has happened before and we should be concerned, aware, and understand, that it can't happen again, or where it failed before, it needs to fail now.

Well, this is interesting. My friend and fellow indie director Kelly Hughes called last night and we talked for a couple hours. He told me about a guy he interviewed who said he found some spare footage lying around, threw it together in a day put it up online and it’s on Amazon Prime now. He’s already made $20,000 off it so far.

I put a lot of effort into my films and it's paid off critically as far as winning awards around the world. But it hasn’t turned into any kind of economic success. In fact, all I’ve been doing is spending money on them.

So it occurred to us both that we may have enough footage just lying around, we could slap something together (separately), and produce something interesting.

My documentary film has issues with music rights. An accident, where I thought I had the public domain but it turned out I didn’t...for one song. For the primary song, 17 minutes of my 28-minute documentary. I tried to negotiate with NAXOS but got nowhere. They were nice however and informative. I did find a free legal service for help on this kind of thing.

For that film and my film noir, the issue seems to be that I’d pushed my video editing software so far to the edge that it caused issues related to configuring for streaming to get up onto platforms like Amazon Prime, or Filmhub, a distributor.

So what if I took some simply produced film and got that online on some streamer like Amazon Prime? We’re looking into that now.

That guy he had interviewed has videos up on YouTube about all this kind of thing and more.

Oh, I noticed MAGA and Trump supporters are pushing out a lot of nonsense that Trump had never said neoNazis and white supremacists are "very fine people", because Snopes has now discredited that. Uh huh...

By the way, in America 1 in 10 are diagnosed with mental illness. According to NIMH 1 in 5 Americans are living with mental illness. The estimate is that 50% of Americans with mental illness are undiagnosed. Donald Trump is one of those. Even his niece Mary Trump, a retired psychologist, author and podcaster, recognizes her uncle's pathologies. Mary Trump worked for one year at the Manhattan Psychiatric Center while working on her PhD research. She is a contributor to the book Diagnosis: Schizophrenia, published by Columbia University Press in 2001. She has taught graduate courses in developmental psychology, trauma, and psychopathology. Thus she has some bone fides, especially in being a family member and knowing Donald Trump very well over her lifetime.

The problem there is that we’re dealing with mafiaSpeak or mobSpeak in how Trump lingo speaks around things, is designed to avoid accountability or legal repercussions. Fundamentally to protect himself as mobsters do, against being recorded or relayed in court, regarding crimes being committed. Damn, has no one seen a mob, mafia, or organized crime movie? Watch any crime film and you see them doing exactly that. Listen to those like Michael Cohen who repeatedly said that’s exactly how Trump speaks... in code.

So when you read what Trump said or watch a video of him saying there were "very fine people on both sides", it doesn’t matter that he didn’t exactly say he was talking about... neoNazis and white supremacists. Even when immediately after that he said the exact opposite, that those people should be prosecuted.

So yes, technically Snopes is right. While fundamentally flawed and 100% incorrect

Therein is the big problem with Donald Trump on our political scene.

When he says things like that, those people clearly hear what he is saying. We’ve even heard they said they heard it, that they got his message and were cheering and celebrating. They had parties over it. The fact that he denied them after his initial comment is something they discredit themselves. It's irrelevant to them. They don’t buy into his denials. They received his message. We received it. But fact-checkers and the law haven't? Can't? That, is a problem. Yes?



So in our supporting his contentions that he never said that or he never meant that, is disingenuous at best and disinformation at worst. We have to get a handle on this. Because he’s walking right over a lot of of our historical protections, social contracts and of course, he’s always abused legal contracts.

As I’ve said in previous blogs about Soviet and Russian disinformation and espionage tactics, I find it a bizarre reality today, and in recent history, that what I read and studied being done by Russia to other countries, even to their own citizens, is now rampant in America by the Right, and has spread among countries of western democracy. When that happens, who do you look to? Enemies of democracy, obviously.

Which brings us back to Rachel Maddow's podcast, Ultra. About how this all happened decades ago, before I was even born, before she was born. But if hindsight is foresight, we’re watching this all come on again. We been here before. We're hearing about it. We have to act to stop it.

Before I make this next brief aside, let me say I took "criminal evidence for police" with a bunch of Tacoma Police Department Sergeants at Tacoma Community College when I was about 18. They were probably looking to better themselves for promotion. Our teacher was Joseph Wambaugh's partner in LA for years. Joe was incredibly famous for writing "The Blue Knight" and "The Onion Field" (made into a film), and TV shows like "Police Story".

I took the TPD police tests (written and obstacle course_ at 19, and was their best time on the obstacle course that day by quite a bit. I made #350 out of 650 applicants. I didn't have a chance, but wanted to take the test anyway. I entered USAF as Law Enforcement that next year (I was going to get a job dammit!). But lost the slot for LE during Basic due to having flat feet which should have kept me from enlisting, but the doctor at my physical told me to keep on my socks if I wanted to get in. I was initially tested and vetted for the USAF OSI which was a lot to was over a month or so. However, once accepted I decided to separate from service and go to college. There's a lot more to the why of that but this is the short version. Finally, my university degree is in psychology. 

OK so, here's what I wanted to say with those caveats now stated...America needs to become more familiar with the signs of both criminal behavior and mental illness. Because when observing (or hearing about) Donald Trump's behaviors and at times speech, all you can see (or hear) are obvious examples of those two behaviors. At least it's obvious to me.

Speaking of Russia, Ukraine has made some great advancements, and apparently some others disconnected and unconnected from Ukraine in having attacked some religious groups recently in Russia. Some Russian government officials are now trying to blame Ukraine for that. Figures. Like MAGA only in Russia, with Putin rather than the dumber Trump. It just doesn’t make any sense that Ukraine would be doing that. When they’re doing things far more effective and taking out Military resources in Ukraine belonging to Russia and as well within Russia

As I recently joked about war criminal Putin's illegal Ukrainian war:
Russia: What can we do to fuck ourselves?
Putin: Let’s attack Ukraine!

I just saw a claim by someone saying that World War III began in 2015 indicating a certain situation had indicated that (sorry, can't remember what it was). I would argue that it started in 2014 when Russia invaded Ukraine but no one did anything. Or in 2008 when Russia attacked Georgia. Seeing a pattern here?

I learned even in the schoolyard as a child with bullies, if you don’t put them down ASAP, settle in for a rough ride if not a life of abuse and punishment. Punish them or take the punishment. We did not stop Putin before, we’re only starting to stop him now, while we should’ve started pushing back HARD two years ago, at least. For those who claim we shouldn’t help Ukraine or shouldn’t Stop Putin, they might as well not be Americans. I wanted Hilary to win rather than Trump, in part to be someone who would handle Putin and not play out a modern Neville Chamberlain scenario all over, again for all Western democracies.

I know they think they are American and patriots but when you follow the preferences of your country's enemies, how does that make you either American or patriot? It may make you a nationalist or Christian nationalist, neither of those being badges to wear with honor. Certainly not the way they are being executed by the MAGALoon Trump contingent.

SUV just drove by me and I got a strong whiff of vanilla. Perhaps a vanilla latte? Nice.

Starting mile two.

 Wondering if I should start doing 4 miles instead of 3 at some point if I’m walking this daily? Perhaps I should wait a couple of weeks to decide? Because there’s no sense in walking 4 miles if 3 does what I need. It saves me time and it saves me effort. Years ago I was using my elliptical at home doing about two hours at a time. I read some research that seemed valid and said I was wasting my time beyond 45 minutes for what I was trying to achieve. So I cut back to 45 minutes. And it seemed just fine

Rachel’s podcast, this episode about Malmedy is interesting. This often happens with her podcasts. It’s better if you just listen to the whole season because it’s stunning, informative and necessary.

I was just thinking about MAGA who can’t seem to see reality, at times “can’t see the forest for the trees.“ I’ve always seen that as relative to the Republican party. They get so involved in the specifics, the trees, they can’t see where they are any more, or what path they are on, which is the forest.

Which is ironic because they’re so into the "end justifies the means". Do whatever it takes  to win, ethics or morality be damned, as long as it harms any or all others other than themselves...of course.

They do seem to get on a path and ideology, and nothing else deters them, even the reality of them being off course, at times. "Mission creep" can be a horribly dangerous thing. Donald Trump (and MAGA) seem to depend a lot on mission creep as well as “throwing spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks.“ This goes back to his “very fine people on both sides“ statement. He throws everything out there and says both sides of the coin, the true and the false, the good and the bad. For others it is seen as insane. When he does that, with his people? It actually supports their belief in his lies evermore.

And that seems to us who are against him, against his lies, against his criminal behaviors and actions, so very obvious.

It’s interesting in this episode of Ultra, how it’s based around a person who saw himself as a Confederate, who was sympathetic to Germany in post-WWII. Who he saw growing up in his American South, how it was once occupied by the North after the Civil War, a similarity with Germany at the end of World War II. And they tossed that guy into the Nuremberg Trial?

I say it’s interesting because so much of the postbellum South held onto their bigotry, racism, and the belief of being right as slaveholders. Having that taken away from them, many remained allergic to those if not merely different from them, certainly people different from them with dark skin.

All of which seems to have been folded into MAGA, either purposely by Donald Trump, Steve Bannon, and Stephen Miller. I assume Trump did it inadvertently, though he incorporates those beliefs purposely by his political "button men". These are despicable people, just as Hillary Clinton had stated. Conflating it to those who support them wasn’t wholly incorrect about them. Or their illiberal, authoritarian mindset which she was 100% correct about.

Starting mile three…

Rachel’s podcast episode I believe may be detailing the beginning of disinformation in American jurisprudence. Which expanded into actual Nazi murderers and war criminals in Germany seeking a way out of their crimes.

While disinformation has probably been around for thousands of years, I would say the Russians, then Soviets, and then Russians again, are the ones who really perfected it. Great Britain dealt with this and them for over 100 years and became the experts in counter-disinformation, and counter-espionage against Russian disinformation efforts. If not countering it, certinly being able to recognize it and act accordingly.

America learned from Great Britain about Russian disinformation. But even if you’re an expert at countering it, it’s difficult to contend with. As we’ve seen with Donald Trump, MAGA, and their Republican party, ever since the early '90s really, we haven't been able to figure it out very well at all.

We may even now be experts about it in our intelligence community which doesn’t translate out to our public media, or our individual citizens, or political parties.

We have historically been careful about this information within political leadership. Politicians were historically careful about what they said because they KNEW it's not hard to start trouble or cause harm or death. Trump seems not to care about that, and the same with his MAGA leadership. It has been evolving to show disinformation can profit those like Donald Trump who just happened to hit the scene at the right time, with the right skills of a juvenile bully, and the right utter lack of ethics.

Willis Everett, the Southerner Rachel is talking about, came up with a disinformation idea for the criminal Nazis, to help get them off from being executed, after having been convicted and the case three times reviewed. He should probably have a statue in a museum of jurisprudence disinformation. Donald Trump'sstatue should be right next to him on the political side of things. But also in a museum of mob bosses, in having gotten away with so much, for so long, and as well as a Russian "useful idiot", who actually made it, somehow to POTUS.

To be clear, you know you’ve gone off the rails when you successfully get Nazis off for war crimes. Or Donald Trump off for his crimes as president. Or pardon someone like President Nixon for his crimes. While Ford told us back then, because I remember it happening, that he pardoned Nixon because he feared it would tear America apart otherwiwse. Looking back on it now, I don’t think he was correct. I think he should’ve let Nixon suffer the consequences. Because he was not looking at America, he was not looking at our future, he was looking at our past and he was looking at America during his presidency. And that was vapidly myopic.

Consider that Hitler’s Nazis and German supporters during and before World War II were national socialists. Today we have Christian nationalists supporting Donald Trump. We have white supremacists supporting Donald Trump. Nazis were white supremacists and the actual gold standard for eugenics. Nazis were also Christians. And I would assume Christian nationalists. While not all Trump supporters are religious bigots or proponents of eugenics, all those types do seem to support him.

It’s good to know that softer, more modern neo-Nazis in America claim to not believe in eugenics. But in enabling them under Donald Trump and giving them free license as we’ve seen comes to harm others they don’t like, even to kill them? I would assume eugenics and such concepts have been on the rise with such ignorant lowlifes since Trump in 2015.

Interesting, I just hit my home block in being done with my 3 miles for the day and a light breeze blew an obvious but not unpleasant odor of patchouly.

One last thing...
Hollywood Horror Museum @horrormuseum
Of all the scenes cut from Aliens, this was the biggest mistake.
Sigourney Weaver was furious and hurt, because it was the whole point of her character. It's often said that cutting this scene is what lost her the Oscar.
But Fox insisted.

On that note, I’ll bid you adieu…and wll leave you with that. It’s noon and time for lunch.

Cheers! Sláinte!

Tuesday, June 25, 2024

Walkabout Thoughts #89

Thoughts & Stream of Consciousness, rough and ready, from an award-winning filmmaker and author you’ve never heard of, while walking off long Covid, and listening to podcasts…walking day…Sunday, June 23, 2024


Weather for the day… nice day, starting out, 57 broken cloud cover, cool, a bit too windy 65° when back at home.

Podcast is The Playlist episode about The Bike Riders interview with Jodie Comer, who is one of my favorite actors since I saw her in

I'm editing this on Monday, the day I walked and listened to Rachel Maddow's podcast Ultra. I'll mention it in the next blog. However, I wanted to mention its episode, Malmedy because everybody should listen to this entire podcast. And the previous season. It's our history. It's currently. It's a great example of how what is happening today, has happened before and we should be concerned, aware, and understand, it can't happen again, or where it failed before, it needs to fail now.

My Instagram post today using Everlast for music.

Listening to the podcast about cinema, he got me to thinking about my own films. My preferred orientation and film would be cinematography, as in the films of Peter Greenaway and others heavy on the visuals.

I think my own little film on a shoestring budget, “Gumdrop “, a short horror. There’s a lot going on in that film, which has been recognized by some of the awards it’s won at film festivals around the world. My favorite being an award for Best Director. What else did that win? Best Noir Film, Best Horror, Best Thriller.

Well, some of my local Indie Director friends are using a single lens with a zoom on films while on my films I use specific prime lenses with an occasional zoom lens when I want to flatten out the depth. I prefer much more specific, while time-consuming on set, in designing their most effective capabilities to change the lens as required for its desired affect. 

Focus (pulling) is always an issue with a single crewmember production…that being, the filmmaker, the director acting as producer, screenwriter running the camera, sound, being key grip, gaffer, cinematography, etc. etc. It’s exhausting.

I've taken film production seminars, like by famed Director Stanley Kramer back in the 80s. Studied screenplay at University in team script writing and classes on lighting a film set.

Film production is collaborative. So on a one-man film set you’re only collaborating with the actors. They can have valuable input. They can also bog production down if you do not control your set. Of course, in post-production, I collaborated with the soundtrack composer. On Gumdrop, Andrea Fioravanti.

Wow, walking into the wind is really screwing up my voice to text transcription...

I just hit my turnaround point at the half-mile marker so now the wind is on my back and I can transcribe easier.


Been listening to an indie director for a while about making films. Interesting guy: 
My No-Budget Documentary Made over $20,000 in 4 Months | J. Horton Films

On my "Gumdrop" film, I had my Master Shots book always at hand, and referenced it constantly. Before beginning the shoot the film, I was worked out shot setups and which lens I was using and why. I was concerned with lighting. One scene in particular, where a hitman "Rowan" (played by Jason Lockhart), enters the house and stands with his back to the front door. I must’ve spent, an hour trying to get the lighting set up so there weren’t any shadows and so it wasn’t too bright. 

Jason Lockhart as "Rowan" and Tom Remick as "Sampson"

In the end, I couldn’t get it the way I wanted, but even though it stands out in lighting from the rest of the film, I kind of like how it turned out. Almost like it was showing too much reality/intensity in that scene. That character was supposed to be the most professional hitman in the film. 

That character kind of reminded me a little bit of the big dumb lurking hulk/fixer & hitman for Don Corleone in the first Godfather movie, "Luca Brasi", portrayed by Lenny Montana, an ex-wrestler and former bodyguard and enforcer for the Colombo crime family. Who has an interesting choice in being in that film and fit the role perfectly. While Kelly Hughes has used Jason in a variety of interesting projects, Jason is an actor. But his portrayal was exactly what I was looking for.

Anyway, film is a visual medium and in my mind, although the soundtrack may be 1/2 or more of a film in many ways, visuals should be as perfect as possible. Sometimes you want ugly visuals, just make them as perfect as you can. Rough can be good but sometimes what comes out rougher is a beautiful shot. 

I know David Mamet thinks you just get on camera and say the words and don’t worry so much  about the acting. I know he doesn’t exactly mean that, but he actually said it. That’s why his movies seem stiff in the dialogue. The spoken dialogue, not the written dialogue. I mean, I do love me some David Mamet. Perhaps an acquired taste.

Getting back to the podcast and Jeff Nichols' “The Bike Riders “, the host is saying Jodie Commer is the heartbeat of the film. I saw the first commercial for it last week on TV and my first thought was well, I’m not gonna watch that film! Seems like not my kind of film.

But that happens with trailers. And typically the director doesn’t make the marketing campaign or the trailers. But the host of this podcast is saying it’s one of his favorite films this year so, I will certainly give it a look, and the director's film catalog is certainly a decent one.

Regarding “Killing Eve“, I loved that series and was completely enamored of Jodie‘s performance and character. It was a darkly fun series.

To explain my attraction to “Killing Eve“ I’d have to say that I really like female assassin flicks or shows. I think some of that attraction is obvious, but some of it has to do with the necessity of exactness involved with these smaller then large musclebound types. 

I studied Isshinryu karate under Steve Armstrong in the 1960s when I was a kid. And we were taught that a fight theoretically shouldn’t last longer than 5 to 8 seconds and should end quickly with a killing blow. I just noticed this, there is a Steve Armstrong Memorial Open Martial Arts Tournament and Seminars. Apparently, Steve's family is involved, and potentially his sons who I used to work out with at the dojo in the 1960s.

That requires a kind of orientation, technique and skill set. It’s what kept me out of so many fights when I was younger, into young adulthood.

See, we were told as kids at the dojo to always warn the person picking a fight with you, if you can, that you are trained in the killing arts and you refuse to fight them. And if they push you into a fight, your goal is to kill them as quickly as possible. We therefore had a responsibility in being trained to kill, to not kill if possible. That style was just designed for a farmer in old Okinawa to go up potentially against an armored Samurai. 

Which is why I was so attracted as an adult, when I came across Aikido's "Art of Peace" orientation. With the samurai belief that although you’re a warrior, where your equilibrium is peace, not war.

I can remember a few guys when I was younger, who I thought would kick my ass, but after my brief but serious, due diligence monologue in warning them, they scoffed and laughed, but backed the fuck down. The first time that happened it was a shock to me.

Attitude. I think it’s the orientation. When you have a gun and aim it at somebody it had better be loaded and you had better be prepared to actually pull that trigger and be prepared to kill the person, in one shot if possible.

Because when you aim an empty gun at someone or you do not plan to kill them, you’re telegraphing that. You actually have to telegraph intent and reality. It’s highly effective.

About that killing attitude/orientation. I found that interesting in "Gumdrop". Except for maybe that one character "Rowan", I had the lighting issue within the film. I bought into him as a hitman. Don’t fuck with him. He seems simple, but don’t believe it.

Whereas the others assassin characters, I felt like although I bought them as assassins, using a rifle from a distance, maybe not so much with the up close killing.

There’s one scene where the lead character, "Sampson", it’s weird calling him a protagonist because he’s more of an antihero, if anything… A female assassin arrives to get a weapon and he gives them an additional small arm, a handgun. It’s an interesting moment of perhaps, compassion between two killers. 

That wasn't presented as compassion. However, it is if you think about it, conceptually. 
The woman didn’t have an order for a handgun. He was just reading into things that if something went wrong, she might need it.

Anyway, there’s a lot going on in that film. For instance, why does he give them a firearm with only a single cartridge? Why does one of them refer to that cartridge as that “magic bullet“?

As with all of my produced works, films, and writings, I like to create where you get more out of them with each revisit in reading or viewing them. I’ve not been able to survey people who have watched the film, because it’s been seen at film festivals around the world. Over 60. I would be curious to survey an audience to find out the things they were missing in each scene in the film. Like how many noticed “grandma‘s ghost“ in the background in a couple of scenes?

One time she’s out the window, kinda floating in the air outside the kitchen window. Another time, as "Sampson" crosses the living room she’s high up on top of a high stool against the wall, on the other side of the room. And that’s what you see of her until their interaction in the basement as dead grandmother.

Is he insane or is she a ghost?

I just made an Instagram video. I’ve made some good ones this past weeks, but they kept failing. This one seemed to post. I used to Everlast. I do like some of his music ever since I realized he did the title song for Saving Grace the TV show wit  Holly Hunter. I really liked that TV show.

Soo...I really like this 3 miles a day thing. PNW weather can be sketchy and intermittent. Which is why I grew up layering my clothes. You’d be cold in the morning and then it would get too hot and then it might cool down, or rain. Lately, I’m trying to get a walk in between periods of rain. Today I’m looking at some really dark rain clouds, but they’re mostly up north.

Anyway, the 3 mile walk, over a 5 mile walk, is a lot quicker and a lot better odds at missing any rain or decreasing chances anyway of getting hit with a sprinkling or downpour.

Having grown up in the 50s and 60s... 70s and 80s too, I guess...I was never much into Rap when it first appeared on the radio. Initially, I saw it as percussion with spoken word. It was about the beat and pacing. I remember getting into an argument with a (white) guy that Rap was going to go nowhere. But if they will add melody, it could take the world. They did, I was right, and it did.

Whereas in a lot of these Rap artists and superstars may all have some really great songs, I’ve always been more into blues and hard rock. I was very also as a kid into heavy metal until they started calling I Heavy Metal when I thought it started going downhill.

I guess Ozzy Osbourne refused to call their music in Black Sabbath “heavy metal“ because when they started calling it that it had originally been to label Black Sabbath music as bad "heavy metal" music, and caught on as a term.

I heard Eminem, a white artist rapper from Washington state of course, pulled in a lot of white people. Not that there weren’t a lot of white people into Rap music back in the day, which was actually kind of weird in the beginning. I think although Rap enthusiasts thought it was great that it spreading in the beginning but, white people? Yeah, I get that.

But I do like, I would say, the majority of music by Everlast. Not into all of his stuff and some of his concept albums are artistically interesting, but I really just like some individual songs. I’m boring like that. Not to say I don’t dearly love some of the concept of albums I grew up with like "Tommy" by The Who for instance. Or Thick as a Brick by Jethro Tull or they’re Too Old to Rock ‘n’ Roll, Too Young to Die album. Yeah, I was kind of into Prague rock (voice to text translation error). I don’t know about that. I meant. "Prog rock". Who knows, maybe Prague has some good music too. I mean, no doubt. Right?

I would say as a kid I had been into pop and rock music, classical, and certainly experimental music all through the 1960s. I liked Led Zeppelin and obviously Black Sabbath. I got their first album in 10th grade, but after my older brother got me stoned on weed in Mesa, Arizona in August 1972, it wasn’t until then that I really got into Led Zeppelin. Also Deep Purple. The Scorpions, which was really more during college starting in 1980. But Allman Brothers, some Southern rock, and so on...

I grew up listening to my mom playing 45s of old country music and some other things. I didn’t really like old country music. Twangy stuff. Until one day I started kinda liking it when my older brother said, yeah you like it because it’s basically country rock now, it’s not country/western anymore.

But what I came to understand and I think I may have developed this viewpoint from Professor Reese at Western Washington University in a class where he was teaching us about quality, creativity, and things like that in our psychology, major.

The thing is I like music. I like the creative arts... if it’s quality. So I can even like country music, if it’s good. Not a big fan of elevator music. But then we had people like Brian Eno who said, there’s no reason elevator music has to be shitty. Thank you, Brian. Check out his Ambient 1: Music for airports. Yeah, you may not like it. 

Starting mile three…

Just listening to the podcast and Jodie Comer is talking and it flashed me onto something… When I was going to turn 19 back in 1974, I ended up living with my older brother in Apache Junction outside of Phoenix, Arizona. [Next day while I was editing this I turned on "Bar Rescue" and they were in Apache Junction at Tumbleweed Grill & Gold Rush Saloon, how weird]. You go out to that main highway, and you can see the Superstition Mountains at its end.



My big brother was married to a woman who had two previous daughters. One day the kids were in school and my brother and his wife had an argument. He’s a big fucking construction worker. She’s a little tiny lady. They were disagreeing and he was suddenly hovering over her and shouted her down until she sat on the couch shriveling. I was off to the side of the living room kind of in shock. I’d never seen my brother act that way. Later she said she was used to it and it was annoying.

I’ve grew up a little scared of him, not that he ever gave me reason to be. But he’s seven years older than me. The brother, I grew up with never acted like that.

I once played the lead in a short film for Kelly Hughes something about don’t kill the grandpa something. I’ll look it up. Ah: Don't Kill Grandpa Until We Strangle the Babysitter

My first real actual acting role. Kind of. Hey, I was the lead actor! Really, I’m not an actor. But Kelly likes using normal people for his actors. As I did in Gumdrop where I used Tom Remick and his son, Luke, and Luke’s two kids. They've already grown so much since the film. The kids were kids on set. Often hard to work with, one was much more into acting than the other.


Luke Remick as "Jinx" & Tom Remick as "Sampson.

Tom and Luke are incredible actors, just natural talents. Anyway, we got done with one scene in Kelly’s movie and he came over to me and said, "You know what? I think I just saw you actually doing some real acting." Well, that was kind of cool.

I mentioned this because of that scene in Kelly’s movie. I was a grandfather. We shot it at my old house where my kids grew up for 15 years, for the most part and the longest place we'd ever lived in the longest job I’d ever had. Beautiful couple of acres in the back woods of Squamish, Washington, where Chief Seattle is buried (below):



Anyway, in this scene shot in my living room, the "babysitter" is sitting on the couch. I’m supposed to angrily walk over to the actor, and just start screaming at her, looking down into her face, hovering.

I think we both found it a very affecting scene. I could see fear in her eyes. I know, she was acting, but it was unnerving. I could feel the power of a man stealing autonomy from a small woman. I found it extremely distasteful. I’ve actually never done that in my entire life. I mean I’ve had arguments with girlfriends or wives where we got loud at each other, but those weren't violent, just passionate and we both knew that.

I grew up with a mother who would have some pretty violent and passionate arguments with our stepfather. She often saw him as stupid. I don’t think he was the brightest bulb in the pack but he graduated high school, went through the war in the Coast Guard while my mom only got through ninth grade, but she was also a very clever person.

Anyway, that scene in Kelly’s movie, it never occurred to me till just now that I might’ve been associating in the back of my mind, that situation in Apache Junction so many years ago when I was 19. A year later at 20, I entered the USAF.

It changed somewhat how I saw my older brother. I’ve had plenty of drama across 3.5 marriages, but I never experienced any violence or my trying to be overbearing on them like that.

I felt for just a few minutes in shooting that scene, that I experienced what men feel when they abuse women, at least, verbally. And I have to tell you, I didn’t like it much at all. Having been bullied as a kid, and really I don’t bullies, to be one to anyone else.

On the podcast now they’re talking about "Killing Eve" and Jodie Comer’s character, Villanelle, and her abrupt end, which was a little controversial.

Jodie‘s also on set now shooting "28 Years Later" with director Danny Boyle. I did enjoy the first movie not so much the second, so I have high hopes for the third. The movie is also with Ralph Fiennes and Cillian Murphy, long one of my favorite (esp., Irish) actors..

That’s interesting. The host says he really loved the first of those films. Kind enough not to say anything about the second one.

About my brother. I had three. In 1975 my youngest brother by my mother, by five years, died of liver cancer mere weeks away from his 15th birthday. I also have a half-brother through my birth father who I didn’t grow up with after my first three years who's a genius and artist and we’ve been good friends as adults. I hadn’t seen him since he was 11 but got reacquainted with his family at our dad's funeral. He had a mother, deceased now, and nine other 1/2 siblings. 

Then there's my older brother, seven years older. He once told me mom was a party girl. When she got pregnant, she got married. So we all have different fathers.

After I got married (the last time) and we were a couple years into it, when we had just bought our first house between us, I heard about my brother getting together with an ex-wife (he's had two, so I guess I won that "race", or he did, depending...) and it had failed pretty quickly for him.

I remember saying to somebody I don’t know why he finds it so difficult to stay married or keep a relationship going because all you've got to do is keep them happy. That didn't seem that hard to do (in my world, at that time anyway).

I started to realize the flaw in my logic when you reality you're married to someone who has mental and emotional issues. You’re possibly not gonna keep them happy.

In our last year or two of marriage, I had said to her that it seemed like nothing I did for her was ever enough. Her response was interesting because it shocked both of us. She said, "You’re right, that’s true." Well. That's telling.

At which point you have to think, "Wow. Well, this is over." Which it was. But we still tried nine months of therapy until finally, she gave up. I wasn't going to give up my son...marriage was over (they didn't get along very well).

Just passed my 2.5 mile marker finishing up my 3 miles for the day and The Playlist podcast is over, so I switched to Pod Save the World.

Oh no. Politics again!

They’re talking about why Putin went to North Korea. 

===
One of the biggest issues I'm seeing with those who lean toward Donald Trump in this election against Pres. Biden is their vast amount of delusional, ridiculously false-equivalencies between them.

Sloppy logic, misinformation, and confusion conflated with their misplaced frustration & anger. I offer this in example from a Face The Nation post:



"Raise your hand if any of you think about, for example, the state of our democracy. Does that concern you?"
 
@margbrennan asks our focus group of battleground state voters. 

"Donald Trump does not want what's good for America. He does not want democracy. He wants to have everything his way," Marlene says. 
"The same can be said about President Biden," Lydia adds. "He forced all the car manufacturers to convert to EVs."
===

Uh, NO! That's a ridiculously false equivalency.

While the Biden administration supports and encourages the transition to electric vehicles through a variety of policies and incentives, it has NOT forced manufacturers to produce EVs. Good grief.

You know, pathetic little shit national dictators need to stick together... and all that

The misanthrope misogynist autocrat club.

Remember when POTUS45 outed a CIA officer who did undercover work? No? Valerie Plame, look it up about "Plamegate".

You should read her book. Read her husband Joseph C. Wilson’s book. Or watch the movie about them, Fair Game with Naomi Watts and Sean Penn.

And there are some other books you can read that explain how our intelligence community kept telling Pres George W. Bush that Iraq was NOT involved in 9/11. But Bush (or VP Cheney, who was running a lot of stuff) kept refusing their denials until finally, somebody gave him what he wanted: manufactured evidence to allow them to attack Iraq, thus finishing up his father‘s business there from the Iraq/Kuwait invasion which led to George HW Bush's Operation Desert Storm.

Hey, where is our fictional narrative movie about a rogue SEAL Team Six who takes out a rabid career criminal misogynistic misanthropic POTUS, and his infectious viral Russian-oriented, political platform and party leadership? Where is that catharsis of a film? Are people still holding back on doing that because they’re afraid Trump might become president again?

Are we really stupid enough to elect Donald Trump as POTUS47? Where we actually elected him before as POTUS45 in the first place? Sigh...

How did America get that stupid? That delusionally disinformed and misaligned?

About a quarter of America needs a national psycho-social therapist and maybe we need to be put on some very heavy "psychosomatic" drugs before we continue with this self-harm and paranoia in seeing one another as existential threats.

Yes, we have some existential threats around, but the biggest of them is saying that those standing against them to protect America are the existential threat. It’s like a midnight nightmare movie.

Italian Prime Minister Georgia Maroney said as far as Russia's bid for peace: "It doesn’t make any sense for Ukraine to move out of Ukraine", since Putin wants to keep the Ukrainian land that he’s captured.

I know that Russia invading Ukraine is complicated. But it’s really not. If in your neighborhood one house invaded another house and took over a bedroom, would you say they get to keep that bedroom?

No.

I finished watching all of Shetland on BritBox (UK's form of Netflix, sort of), with a new season coming. Started watching Crime, set in Edinburgh, Scotland starring Dougray Scott.

Well, on that note, I’ll bid you adieu…and leave you with that. 
It's 9:30AM.

Cheers! Sláinte!

Monday, June 24, 2024

Walkabout Thoughts #88

Thoughts & Stream of Consciousness, rough and ready, from an award-winning filmmaker and author you’ve never heard of while walking off long Covid, and listening to podcasts…walk day Saturday June 22, 2024.

Weather for the day… nice day, starting out, 60°  overcast, cool with almost no breeze starting out, got back to home 61°.

Finishing up Pod Save America from the other day, Trump Loses It Over Fox News Poll

I would like to mention a post I’ve made online today about the presidential debate next week. Finally, they’re going to have a real debate. Like many of us, I’ve been sick of the Trump clown show. I want to see an actual presidential debate with grown-up men, sadly not women, as the case is this time.

On that note, we really need a woman president. The fact we haven’t done that yet is embarrassing. And no, we don’t need a conservative woman as president. They’ve shown to be just as much a nightmare, as the men. Especially when they’re working against the least best interest of women. This is so weird, but you toss religion into the mix and it makes more sense. It doesn't make sense, but it's comprehendible. 

But for some who say in foreseeing an actual debate and turning off the mics so manchild Trump can’t talk over Biden, and so on. They get I believe 90 seconds to respond but in being old, I believe they both need 30 more seconds. Stop trying to force what you want and work with what you have.

This debate format cuts Trump off at his knees in his clown show circus of needing an audience, which they won’t have, which they don’t need, while will not allow Trump to shine his insanity and immaturity. But it will give us somewhat of a substantive format for what a president is and should be.

We’re electing a POTUS, not a TV reality star. Which Trump eventually failed at, anyway. And so far, seems to be his encore. He thought he would just become POTUS in 2016 as his drop-down next adventure from reality TV, or something?

What people DON'T GET about criminal Donald Trump, a sex-abusing, pathological lying narcissist is the control he's exerted over others, esp., women, is exercised on OUR citizens & Others.
Like licking your neck & there's NOTHING you can do about it.
As he savors his control & your disgust.
He wants that to be propagated to as many as possible. It's sick, truly.
We've seen his behaviors as such with French Pres. picking "dandruff" from his shoulders.
Or holding a handshake too long, or pulling another national leader into him during a handshake.
It's a pathology that you do not feed. Electing him POTUS fed that, making all of us his victims. It's so clear from a psychological POV, it's disturbing.

People need to stop treating our government and elections as a game, or something they don’t have to care about. If you’re a US citizen, we’re talking about your life and that of others.

I voted in just about every election since I was 18, back in 1974? I went through much of my life though with a very cavalier attitude about elections and government. I slowly evolved and in my late 30s, I finally started paying attention. The problem was, I felt like I didn't understand what was going on. A good reason not to vote. But not a good reason to not take the time to find out, and vote. Yes, some of us are burdened in life. But we have to find out how to make time. Life's not easy if you live it correctly. It doesn't have to be impossible, but if it's too easy, you're not doing it right.

How? Aside from my studies and what I had previously learned in government, civics, world problems, and espionage, all from a factual point of view, through most of my life since high school, and understand, I refused to read fiction spy novels until I accepted that I was no longer going to go into that career, and that, that part of my life was over. That was fun. Sad one chapter of my life closed. But opened up a world of great novels. 

I read a lot of books, some of the best on the subjects, over my lifetime. I read books by leaders of international espionage organizations who retired and wrote books. That includes a former leader of the KGB. Former leaders of MI5 and MI6. . The latter of which is not known by those terms, domestically in their countries, or perhaps I should say professionally. But popularly in their countries and internationally and in the media and entertainment. Former leaders of the CIA, too. And former spies. That can be fascinating reading. But more so if you read a lot of them as you begin to run into juxtapositions.

One notable account was in three books I read. One written by a former KGB director, one by a former Japanese espionage officer, and one by a former British MI6 (British Secret Intelligence Service) officer. Each of their books included an account of a meeting that happened years before and might have been in Hong Kong. The thing that’s so interesting about that, which I’ve written about before, is that when you read an account of an incident reported to be true and factual by those who were there, by those who are our friends and enemies, a good researcher can pick out the reality. And often the lies.

I remember reading those books years ago and suddenly realizing what was happening in that they each were detailing the same incident from vastly differing points of view. You could see the inaccuracies, but you could also see what lined up. Suddenly I realized I had read about this meeting before. 

You could also see where someone might garner conspiracy theory from reading one of these accounts, or even all of them. You could see and recognize where reality was shining out to you as a researcher, but also how many who might read those accounts, might not comprehend what they were reading, in failing to assimilate and recognize what very likely what had happened.

It was in my previous knowledge and hopefully, wisdom, that I later applied in the 1990s and began to see what was going on in America. The flashing red light was the Republican Party. The warning sign was to notice you’d seen this all before but it was from the Soviet KGB in their disinformation tactics against the West, and their anti-democracy campaigns around the world. Why was this coming out of the American Republican Party?

I was seeing the same tactics being used by our own conservative party of big business, the Republican Party. The self-labeled party of law and order. Over time, I came to realize and recognize this was being greatly magnified by one person, Newt Gingrich. I didn’t know that at first. I just heard things coming out of the Republican party, which, when I vetted that information, turned up false, repeatedly conflated, spun, and eventually evolved into outright lies. What was happening?

Then VP Gore lost the 2000 election to George W. Bush in a very questionable situation. I already knew when Bush got into office, and then read more about it, that he was going to start a war against Saddam Hussein in Iraq. 

Then 9/11 happened.

I told everyone I could that America was going to go to war because we’d been hurt and intimidated and frightened. We had to punch another country in the "mouth" even if it wasn’t a country who did it, even if it wasn’t A country who attacked us.

I was very concerned about that. And sure enough, we went after Iraq. I knew that Bush “Junior “was still disturbed by his father’s war in Iraq to protect Kuwait, after the invasion by Iraq. "HW" didn't take down Hussein at that time, perhaps rightly so. I do think Saddam Hussein believed he was given a greenlight by America, by POTUS George HW Bush, even if he hadn't. I could never figure out if Bush did that on purpose to evoke Hussein to act, or if it was advertent. I suspect it might’ve been inadvertent, though as a former head of the CIA, it didn't bode well for "HW" as POTUS.

Domestic and especially international politics are extremely complex and lend themselves easily to conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theory is something that is evoked in those who think they have more knowledge than they do, who think they have a better skill set than they do, or perhaps can. But it’s also used and weaponized by those who know better, who know very well what’s going on, but see it as a social manipulation, their goals being where their ends justify whatever means they use against others, as long as it’s not themselves who are harmed.

I look forward to having a government and international community where we don’t have to pay so much attention. You’ll one day notice at some point that you don’t have to watch the news daily. Or weekly, or monthly, to where you can go through the year paying less attention without fear and trepidation.

But here’s the thing about democracy. 

"If you snooze you lose", and if you don’t monitor and adjust, if you let "evil" insidiously invade...in fact, as history has shown us, it takes only a few “cells “within a body politic to more easily affect negative changes.

If you are part of that body politic it requires, it demands that you “be “a part of that body politic. Otherwise, you will one day find that you are part of another body politic altogether that you didn’t sign off on. Look through history. You will see that occurring again and again.

The thing I never understood about the Republican Party was it's far easier and far cheaper to affect change through proactivity, awareness, and a good and positive orientation for all, and not just for the few.

We can do better. We just need to want to do better. We need to easily and lazily believe not that our government is merely corrupt and we need to bring it down. But all governments always need fixing in continuous and hard work in order to affect positive change.

So often and especially on the extreme sides, the left or the right, the easy path is destruction and rebuilding. But that’s a lie. That’s a belief of children. It’s binary thinking and expensive both in resources and human lives.

Any adult knows that those times of necessitating the tearing down and completely rebuilding from scratch, are few and far between. Just because some points of contention exist, does not mean that the situation you’re looking at has all those necessary conditions that necessitate destruction.

"Occam‘s Razor" is too often misused. Incorrectly applied. The biggest problem is knowing a little is not knowing a lot. Not enough information can be highly destructive in applying things that don’t fit the situation. That is perhaps the greatest weapon disinformationalists have in their toolbox.

When you notice that those you believe in, or the tribe that you belong to starts moving from informational spin to outright lies, such as we've seen the Republican party do with their MAGA infection, with their cult of personality for career criminal and convicted felon Donald Trump at its top, you can be sure you’re on the wrong path to glory.

Starting mile two…

I mentioned the other day about facing one's fears and my story about that as a kid. But facing isn't conquering. When I heard to face my fears or I'd be running from them all my life, I thought, "Screw that!" I started facing them. Sometimes, a bit terrified. Monitoring the experience as it happened, wondering if I could push through to the end of experiencing it.

After completing a session of facing them down, I was disappointed to find it didn't kill them off. They remained. Different fears needed conquering in different ways. Some were just simply repetition to let them fade through familiarity. Some took understanding you weren't killed by them, or damaged by them. Some were simply pushing through them and killing them off later, in hindsight, through reflection and using humor to denigrate them into nothingness. There's nothing quick and easy about it. It takes work, time, perseverance. Some more than others. Some evaporated quickly in little time or effort as they just took going through the process and realizing it was all in my head. But not always. Surely, not always...

From the podcast… I agree about debates being superfluous. We’ve had many leaders and I’ve experienced this in myself… with great leaders who are not great in things like public speaking or debating. Doesn't make them bad at what we most need. I might offer Hillary Clinton to some degree in that respect. Who isn't that bad at debates but comes across harsh in some ways making her unelectable for them.

But if we have two candidates in a debate where one is an amazing debater but a horrible administrator? With the other as the opposite, won’t we end up electing the wrong person? A person who makes us feel good is laudable and desirable in a leader. But I'd rather not feel good whenever they speak but know that things are running well and they're keeping us safe when making choices both internationally and domestically.

And making the best choices not for that person‘s party first, but for our citizens as a whole. Not as just America first, but as equally so, humanity 1st. Not just as humanity 1st should extraterrestrial life ever contact us or be contacted by us. But life 1st. You know what I mean?

We would not sacrifice our own survival for the sake of others, but in our efforts to enrich and improve human life, why wouldn't we consider the well-being of all humans and all forms of life?

I guess that’s my Buddhist nature speaking. Enlightenment encompasses all things. While you still have to make the hard choices, hard decisions. But at least you’ll do it with awareness rather than ineptitude or disregard.

As "Starman" said in the movie played by Jeff Bridges, "Humans have such potential." We try to achieve more than we can:

“You are a strange species. Not like any other. And you’d be surprised how many there are. Intelligent but savage. Shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you? You are at your very best when things are worst.”


Just because we fail, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t continue because we should’ve learned something to better succeed the next time.

Sadly, that’s what we’re seeing with Donald Trump and his MAGA. His January 6th insurrection failed last time. He likely won’t next time. And no one should want them to succeed. Perhaps Putin, perhaps Kim Jong Un. Perhaps China’s President Xi. But maybe even China doesn’t want us to fail.

If the North Koreans knew us and knew their own reality, they wouldn’t want us to fail. If Russians were more aware, as they are becoming about their own country and leadership, they won’t want us to fail. But not fail in ways that do not harm them.

We have to succeed, not just with our own interests in mind. Because that’s the quickest path to eventual failure.

It can be cathartic to denigrate others who are against one's own "tribal" beliefs, or who are just obviously ignorant and destructive but it doesn’t help us achieve the goal of changing their orientation for the road they are on.

The podcast is bringing up something that’s always bothered me about America. I love watching the British Prime Minister in Parliament having to debate against the leaders of their citizenry. I would like to see that here in America. As a point made on the podcast, we may get these presidential debates here, but then it doesn’t happen again once they become POTUS. They enter a room and people "stand up and salute."

That's starting to seem problematic because it lends itself to a cult of personality and somehow that has led us to Donald Trump and (his) authoritarianism.

Something that is anathema to democracy...or a constitutional republic. Remember when you hear someone say we’re a constitutional republic, not a democracy, that has become just a whistle call for authoritarianism.

From the podcast… it’s conjectured that this debate next week between Biden and Trump, the first of two with the next one being closer to the election… may be the most impactful event in this entire campaign, and election.

So much of this election on the Trump side is theater when it should be politics. It should be about whose best to lead us. So this curated debate will be about disallowing Trump his clownish games and his bully tactics to give us not Trump-style clown theater, but actual contrastural political discourse. Substance over the informational vacuum  we are served up by Trump so very often.

This debate will be a display of the caricature that Trump actually is, contrasted with the POTUS who Joe Biden actually is and who we need for the next four years over that of a criminal clown. Sad if you don’t like Joe Biden, that’s our reality. Administrator over that of criminal. An actual criminal. Not make-believe “Biden crime family “nonsense.

Here’s an interesting thought, because a lot of people are so worried about Biden’s age when Trump’s age is just as much, if not more of a concern, considering his pathologies. Who exercises and tries to eat well at his age to try to be healthy? Not Trump.

If we were to slow things down in time and look at the actual work Biden is doing… in meetings he has or conferences he attends, or with national leaders he’s met with, and then do the same in observing and slowing down Trump’s actions and demeanor, Biden wins hands-down, every time, and easily.

Starting final mile three for the day…

Just now walking along, following this woman with her dog in front of me. Got me to thinking about being married, or dating.

Nope. 

Done that 3.5 times when for whatever reason it hasn’t worked out. Sadly. I’d love to have a partner to go through life with, especially at this point, in this stage of life. But it does seem problematic. After my wife and I divorced in 2002, after a while even my kids, then in junior high and high school, were saying "we need a woman, a 'mom' here, Dad." And I could only say, I’m trying. But I had a four-hour commute every day, a job that was taxing and mentally exhausting.

I tried the online online dating thing. I had some interesting encounters and weird experiences. The last time, a Vietnamese woman, a businesswoman in Seattle, had contacted me. We met and it actually clicked. For almost 2 years. I never introduced girlfriends to my kids back then, until this one. Actually lost one potential girlfriend because I wouldn’t let my kids meet her in the beginning until we were more established. She got miffed and that was the end of that. Probably for the better.

When I called it off with the Vietnamese woman, it had occurred to me that she wouldn’t introduce me to her family. A cultural thing perhaps? Because I was white and not Vietnamese, I think. She broke up with me four times. Someone much later asked me if that could have been her beginning of menopause? 

I hadn’t considered that and it made me sad. Had I known it was a condition and not just her view of things, or her personality, I could have dealt with that. She had been with the same guy and only one guy, for 27 years, in a kind of abusive relationship since she was 18 when they separately came over to America, having escaped Vietnam on a boat. In the end, I told her I hoped I had helped her transition as a rebound guy into her next relationship that would hopefully make her happier with someone she found better suited to her needs. I mean, I didn't think at the time that we could’ve suited one another's needs better. But there it is…

So the single life? It sucks. On the other hand, especially as my last marriage was with someone addicted to drama. Who actually accused me of that once or twice, while everyone who knew me just laughed and said, "No, no that’s her." I have no drama in my life now. The little bit there is from my adult kids from time to time, for issues in their own lives. But that’s part of being a parent...until you die.

So, Single life? Who knows. As far as I can tell? I still have decades to go. We’ll see what happens.

As I continued to talk about relationships here...up above, the sprinkling on me stopped. Maybe I pleased the Gods, or the Universe, or some nonsense like that?

Cupid? That you? Why is Cupid always a boy baby? A baby with a bow and arrow. How problematic.

On that thing about relationships. When I was younger, I saw myself as an “intellectualist". That meant everything I did was to try to strengthen my mind, to enhance my knowledge and wisdom, to be a better person, and to always stretch my limits and my limitations. I went until I hit my limitations. If you never hit your limitations, you can’t stretch beyond those limitations as you're not really aware of those limitations. 

How do you know where they begin or end? You have no way of judging until you hit them. I've known people who couldn't understand that. They said they just "knew" where their limitations were, and so they didn't need to reach them, or push them, or even experience them. Seems like fear to me. And it can be, and is scary. But facing that, experiencing that, gives one the strength you're seeking to increase.

I hadn’t realized when I was younger and trying to do that, that it makes finding an appropriate mate extremely improbable. It’s interesting that in my lifetime those women I found myself most attracted to, who I thought were equals or betters to me, seemed most to recognize... "This isn’t for me." Good for them but, my loss.

More power to them. As it is for everyone, the group available to you are those you come into contact with. Certainly before social media. If you're not meeting who you want to be meeting, you have to be where they are. Right?

I did seem to inspire a very strong desire from some women. It wasn’t until just a few years ago that someone pointed out the issue of falling in love with those who are strongly in love with you. Maybe because of their strong love for you. And that can be a problem.

So is that what happened? Is that the only way it can happen?

I mean, what are relationships? What should romantic relationships be? What is the range of what is desirable versus acceptable?

That concept of "reciprocity in affection", is where a person may develop feelings for someone because they feel loved and valued by that person. It’s not classified as a psychological disorder but is a recognized behavior pattern in social psychology.

Some issues to be aware of in that realm: 
  • Nightingale Syndrome: a situation where a caregiver develops feelings for their patient. Nurses and doctors may run into this with their potential romantic partners.
  • Stockholm Syndrome: hostages develop a bond with captors, often as a survival strategy.
  • Erotomania: a delusional disorder where a person believes another person, often of higher status, is in love with them. Obviously in power imbalances, this can be an issue and in today's work environments, can cost one a career or one's respect from coworkers.

While these aren't pathologies, as social patterns they're things to be aware of.

In recent years, I seem to inspire and attract those on the edges. However, you define that. My last relationship about six years ago turned out to be one where I felt a need to fix her because she was desperate to be fixed and needed help at that point in her life. I have a strong constitution and a degree in psychology and I think I did a lot of good in that relationship. But in the end, something didn't feel right for me and I decided it wasn’t for me. My kids also spoke to me about that. Listen to your friends and loved ones.

We do the best we can in life and move on. Or we should.

Politics again… I find it interesting, those Trump supporters who said, "I’m all for Trump but if he gets too crazy, I’m out!" Then he got too crazy and some of them indeed said they were out, like Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham.

Then the masses said, "All right, I’m all for Trump, as long as he doesn’t get convicted." Then he got convicted. Not a few felonies, but 34, not to mention the E Jean Carol judgment. Twice.

Then those people said, "OK sure he got convicted, but unless they put him in prison, it’s not real."

WTHF? Over rationalize any?

Now it's, "Unless he receives punishment, imprisonment, I'm all for Trump!" Shifting boundaries is a sign you've lost the game.

What’s next? "OK, they executed him, but unless he rises from the grave, I’m all for him. IF he rises from the grave, I'm still all for him!"

MAGA logic. Authoritarian logic. Anti-American logic. Do you HEAR the insane in that?

Oh yeah, my son sent me something yesterday about AI. There’s "Personal AI" a company with their  Model-2 AI. They say it has very low hallucinations and for $40 a month, or $1000 a month, you can have access to their amazing AI. Not "large language AI" but "Personal Language AI", more tailored to the individual.

I have been saying that this was coming. Also, the prices would come down and useful AI would become more functional for each individual.

The thing about this AI is that it's acculturated/acclimated to you and you alone. Something that will evolve bigger and better and won’t take that long. I’m assuming prices will get down to that of streaming networks, somewhere between $5 a month and $20, or more for "Cadillac versions".

As it is now, I really liked Bing's Copilot, until lately 50% of the things I ask it to do either it couldn’t or refused to do. It’s getting up to 60% or 70% now in rapidly becoming useless. I’m getting much better responses off of Gemini and ChatGPT (where I started with all this).

Oh, I just thought I’d drop this here, as I may have mentioned it in the previous blog. This thing about the 10 Commandments in schools? Kurt Vonnegut once pointed out that makes you a follower of Moses, not Jesus. And if you’re a Christian, you follow Jesus, right? So what are you doing?



Good question. But if you’re asking Christian nationalists, that’s really a whole other cup of toxic tea.

Joe G u/EastEndJoe This. Is. Fantastic! Truly teaching the 10 Commandments


And now in talking about this, it’s starting to sprinkle on me. Interesting

On that note, I’ll bid you adieu…and I’ll leave you with that.

Cheers! Sláinte!

Saturday, June 22, 2024

Walkabout Thoughts #87a

Thoughts & Stream of Consciousness, rough and ready...random but sane thoughts from an insane mind...from an award-winning filmmaker and author you’ve never heard of while walking off the feeble remains of long Covid, and listening to podcasts…walk day, Friday, June 21, 2024.

Weather for the day… nice day, starting out, 68° sun clear sky, 70° back at home. Walk day, Friday, June 21, 2024.

First Podcast Marc Maron WTF? finishing up Episode 1549 - Geezer Butler (Black Sabbath) from yesterday. Possibly my first hero band from when I was in 10th grade in 1970.

This is now the next day. I was craving sweets yesterday and got a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and overdosed on sugar, I guess. I had the worst sleep last night. My heart was beating too fast so I took some Benadryl and half a melatonin. Which I’ve been doing good on avoiding and have been sleeping better without it. The Benadryl didn’t seem to be working well which it almost always does for my blood pressure and heart rate which seems to be issues of histamines. So that didn't work and I realized I was slightly dehydrated so I drank some water and started feeling better.



All I've asked of people, esp., my kids, was to vote.
For the same reason as Heinlein's comment above to take a side.
The least a citizen can do is vote.
If you complain about our government but don't vote, you have no right to complain.
When you vote it should make you want to make an informed decision. 
That forces you to know what you believe, and to take a stand.
On SOMETHING.
That affects you.
It affects others.
It's important and to neutralize that by saying it doesn't work or do anything, is almost a non sequitur. 

The thing about health issues lately, especially with long Covid issues, is you cannot find cause and effect and that’s scary. I can handle just about anything if I can fathom the cause and effect, especially when I figure out how to alleviate the situation. 

I think that has a lot to do with conspiracy theories and in the paranormal, in what freaks people out. When you can’t find cause and effect, it’s pretty scary. I remember when I got those Conan books as a kid. That character in the books made it clear the only thing he was afraid of were ghosts and the paranormal. He was afraid of no man or monster. If it bleeds, you can kill it. If it doesn’t bleed, then what the fuck? And that’s scary even to Conan.

I thought I’d take the day off but here I am, walking my 3 miles and it’s already 68° and supposed to get up to like 86° today. I’m on my 1st mile at 8:35 AM and it’s already getting warm.

Marc says Metallica was a real Sabbath band in the way they thought about music and Geezer said yeah especially their Black album.

I can’t remember if I mentioned I that so far I've gotten to quarterfinalist in the Emerging Screenwriters contest for Suspense screenplays for my, "The Teenage Bodyguard". Cool.

Geezer said he did his solo stuff in the 1990s and he said GZR was the band. He said he just had to get some stuff out of him and he really enjoyed it, but he knew he wasn’t gonna make any money with it. I need to check that out. I think I knew about this but forgot about it. He said it was really heavy stuff and as far as his fans loving it, maybe not so much? And he laughed.

I iced my left knee when I got home yesterday and today it seems to be my right knee causing me grief. Good grief.

I’m very much enjoying the walk today. The sun beating down on me has me a little worried because I want to finish at least my 3 miles today. When I went to Ireland for my 60th birthday, with my youngest back in 2015, I don’t think I had walked that much in recent decades. I used to love backpacking and being out in nature. I loved walking through the oldness of Ireland.

It’s interesting how much I enjoyed connecting back in the 1970s and how old everything was when I was in Connecticutt. Our oldest cemeteries in the Pacific Northwest go back to like the 1800s. The East Coast obviously goes back much further. While Ireland goes back a hell of a lot further.

I remember talking to somebody from Ireland and hearing this a few times from different people in how they don’t appreciate their culture and history so much because they’re attracted to America and her newness and shininess. They're not so taken with the antiquity of a country like Ireland as they just see it as having grown up with old buildings that suck and they want the new. Well, the new to me is the old. I grew up with the new in America, especially in the PNW. So, I crave history?

Geezer is saying since he stopped "boozing" he finds it more difficult for inspiration since he used to sit in the studio and have wine or beer and that’s just what he’s used to. My thought is microdose mushrooms. I kid you not. You gotta do just enough that you feel it but the changes that make in your brain chemistry are better than what the booze did. And it may help you get off the booze.

Geezer said he had a nervous breakdown in 1999 and someone told him he was depressed. Maybe I was lucky that I think I had my nervous breakdown in 1972. I had a headache one day that was so bad I got taken to the emergency room. The doctors hit me with morphine but it didn’t stop the pain. So they said they would knock me out and gave me Demerol. I woke up in a hospital room much later.

After three days three neurosurgeons suggested I move out of my parent's house at 17, or figure out how to cope living there. Mom had told them what our life was like with my stepfather. They gave me a prescription to Valium and sent me on my way. Actually, that might’ve been in early '73. I stayed at home, having previously run off once from home months earlier. When mom dragged me back with threats of arresting the guy I was staying with who was an adult living in Bremerton, oddly enough.Since I live there now after a lifetime of never waning to live here. But, it's nice.

I remember graduating high school in May or June whenever it was you got out of school and then had graduation a few weeks later. it was at the UPS Fieldhouse in Tacoma. My sister gave me a sword she got in Hawaii as a flight attendant. Then when I graduated from university 11 years later, after the USAF, she gave me a pen and pencil set, and was embarrassed. But I said, "No it’s actually perfect because I’ve graduated to a higher purpose. You gave me a sword for high school graduation. Now consider the adage, "The pen is mightier than the sword." So as usual you gave the perfect gift. She looked at me a bit sideways and said, "Well, I’m glad you see it that way!" She always gave me great gifts growing up. I remember after she got her first job, the family wasn't doing well. It was the first Christmas I remember no toys. I was about 12. Mom said, "You're 12 now, too old for toys." Trying to make the best of a bad situation. I remember getting socks. Socks? Seriously? Then I got several gifts from my sister and they were a bunch of the much desired "Maj. Matt Mason" moon toys. I was beside myself that Christmas, especially after such a massive let down from our parents. 


After I moved out at 17 and rented an apartment in an old house from a really annoying old Jewish woman, my prescription for valium disappeared. Two weeks later it reappeared in my kitchen cupboard. I realized my landlady was going through my apartment when I wasn’t there.

Anyway, good to get your nervous breakdown out-of-the-way in your teens... maybe.

Geezer said his therapy had been writing music and the lyrics for songs and that the Sabbath album Sabotage was all about his depression. In the late 90s when they gave him Prozac, he said it wasn’t working at first and they told him you have to wait about six weeks. He said after those six weeks he started feeling like himself again and it was great. He details that in his book.

Well, sadly, that podcast is over so I switched over to Pod Save America, Trump Loses It Over Fox News Poll

Starting 2nd mile…

I would just like to say regarding this current controversy about Louisiana passing a law about putting the 10 Commandments in every school. How stupid is that?. One person who is pushing that said, "If you don’t like it, don’t look at them." OK? Now take that advice yourself about LGBTQ+ people.

Dumbass.

Switching to 3 miles every day instead of 5 miles every other day has caused me a backup with my blog. The last blog that went out took me all day to read through and finish. I read through it once, editing it, and then published having it go out the next morning at 6AM as normal. I can only do it for a couple of hours until I get bored and need to do something else, then return to it late which can take up much of the day. But it's getting easier as I do it more and is making me want to work on other things I've had on the back burning. Like finishing my film companion book for "Pvt. Ravel's Bolero". It's tough finishing things with no obvious reward but potential prospects.

So on the presidential debate next week...apparently the Biden team wants to win the coin toss for where the podium placement Is. The podcast is wondering if they are looking to get Biden’s good side to the camera? But somebody said, "No it’s probably to get Trump’s bad side toward the camera because that freaks him out."

Yeah, that’s brilliant, attack his weaknesses and what disrupts his mental processes because that’s what he’s been doing to everyone else since he started his ridiculousness about being POTUS. 

Again, Americans don’t elect convicted felons as president. And if you’re gonna be pushing this crap about the 10 Commandments, that’s really screwing up your candidate. Because he’s broken after all and I think he's broken every commandment except murder, and in the next few years, we may start hearing something about That. 

Maybe not that he actually had someone murdered, but that he failed in an attempt and therefore it's at least conspiracy. Actual conspiracy to murder. Remember. No matter how low you think Donald Trump can go? He will succeed to go ever lower.



Donald Trump: "CNN is fake news." That, from the Prophet of Fake News.

With Trump's bullshit that Biden has dementia (maybe Trump does), or his nonsense that Biden’s on drugs? I've said this before. I really think they need to do a drug test on the president and the ex-POTUS as they walk on stage for the debate.

Because I’m sure Biden isn’t doing anything. Other than old age meds like Trump is doing. But if anybody’s doing illegal drugs, it’s Donald Trump. Before he walks on stage, do a blood draw and tell him it’s gonna be tested for drugs, then you can give our the results before the end of the debate. See if Trump doesn’t refuse to go on stage or take the blood draw.

The problem with the absolute nonsense that Trump spews isn’t so much that he spews it and that IS a problem, but that MAGA gobbles it up so readily. This extremist right wing is so sad for America that there are no words for it. Though there are actually. Fascism. Authoritarianism. Theocracy.

Christian nationalism. White supremacism.

Considering the age of the candidates for the presidential debate, 90 seconds isn’t long enough for an answer and they should give them at least another 30 seconds

Starting my 3rd mile…

I started my walks this year wearing a fleece shirt. With the fuzzy stuff inside, insulated. And then to a lighter fleece shirt. Then to a short-sleeved shirt. Silk, one-color Hawaiian shirt type. Then a short-sleeved cotton shirt. Today a T-shirt, my University of Washington T-shirt. While I did not graduate there, I did take classes there and worked there for over seven years in the 80s and early 90s. I have worn my cargo shorts all year on these walks except for a few times on the first couple of walks this year, with jeans.

I do prefer summer and spring over fall or winter. When I was in high school I had a set of skis and a complete SCUBA set with dual 72 tanks. I had been surfing at 16 on the East Coast in Cape May, New Jersey. My younger cousin taught me. Who is conservative, who was an official in the carpenter's union and told me he hated Donald Trump because he’s dealt with him before and he always rips everybody off. He would never vote for him. That was in September of 2015 when I was returning from Ireland and spent a few days with him and his wife... in Florida. I have to say, weather wise (and Cuban sandwich-wise) I kind of loved Florida.

I used to say I was more of a surfer than a skier. I assume that had something to do with Civil Air Patrol search and rescue maneuvers in the sometimes freezing Cascade and Olympic mountains in our PNW because it would be just colder than Hell and I remember learning what it meant to be, "chilled to the bone". I learned about that term mid-junior high.

As a podcast is pointing out, there’s a huge desperate gap between the MAGA understanding of who the candidate Joe Biden is, and who the actual President Joe Biden is. It’s bizarre how such a conservative toxic fantasy is out there and how Republicans who support Trump are so unable to compare reality to their authoritarian paradigm.

Look it up. The authoritarian playbook states that you are a victim. You’re treated unfairly, journalism is dishonest and against you. Government institutions are bad. The country is failing. There is fear everywhere. There is "the other" after you, in our current American case that means immigrants, especially illegal immigrants. It’s a darkly spun fantasy.

All lies and conspiracy theories have a basis in truth the kernel of reality which they can use to spin rapidly away from it into a downward spiral of darkness. 

Conspiracy theories: "A conspiracy theory is a bunch of nonexistent connections between random events." - Criminal Minds

The podcast is referring to that video clip of President Biden in Europe, where there’s a parachutist display and conservative media (not crazed conservatives but actual conservative, professional media, supposed "journalists") clipped it so it looks like he is standing off to the side from the group talking to no one, when he’s actually talking to a parachutist on the ground with his parachute. This kind of stuff is not news. It’s outright disinformation in the greatest Russian style.

I do think we need some kind of organization or institution that monitors disinformation and corrects it. Yes, this is as dangerous as Hell, especially if the Trump administration, as government, did it. We need a truth in news and OpEd law. People need to be held accountable and stop lying to the public merely for purposes of money, power, greed, and politics. 

Sure, spin the hell out of something, but don’t lie, and don’t disinform. IF you misinform then you have to be held accountable and need to correct it to your audience ASAP. And suffer the consequences. Consequences and punishments... that hurt.

IF we're going to fail, let's fail for real, in reality, not because of fantasies.

That’s why I think Trump has earned capital punishment for his insurrection actions as POTUS45. A national leader gets away with this shit and we still have MAGA Republican insurrectionists and seditionists in Congress who need to be dealt with? Seriously?

Otherwise, we’re staged to do this all over again and if not with Trump then with someone who worked it out better and the next time, it succeeds.

But if the state executes Donald Trump for his actions, the next authoritarian dictator wannabe will think twice and just maybe, not do it.

Otherwise, we’re screwed.

I know you shouldn’t binge alcohol or sugar, both dealing with insulin levels, but I learned a long time ago if you’re craving a food, try to satisfy it and then move on to ignore it. Rather than just ignore it and keep craving it. I’ve been craving sweets lately. Which can be a lack of protein in your diet. But then you don’t want too much protein and start putting on fat. So I had my pint of Ben & Jerry’s yesterday and some whipped cream and... overdid it and didn’t sleep well. Had disturbing blood pressure & heart rate issues in trying to sleep last night, but today? I really don’t feel like eating any sugar for a while. So, I don’t know...mission accomplished?

Kids. My adult kids don’t always live up to my standards. But they’re adults. I give them their autonomy. I raised them the best I could, often at odds with their moms. Both of whom had problems. Yes, I know the central point of failure seems to be me here. And I surely had something to do with the issues. But sometimes you're just not really well matched up to your spouse. Why? You didn’t pay enough attention ahead of time. And I surely had other issues going on. Don't we all?

Anyway, my kids didn’t have that kind of structure I did growing up. I refused to, for one thing, whip them with a belt. They didn’t start Karate at the age when I did and fight in tournaments. Or get military training in junior high or a lot of other things. Or have the freedom I did in the '60s that I did. Though I was not a helicopter parent. I mean, I was, but I did it at a distance to where they couldn’t see me and thought they were on their own. Invisible helicopter parenting.

So it’s a little frustrating now when they don’t do something that I would do in the way I would do it. But I give them their freedom from parental harassment which does nothing but push your kids away further anyway.

They know I’m here for them, always. They know I love them. I know they love me. I know my youngest has said had I not existed in their life, they would’ve killed themselves in high school. Let’s just say their mom is a control freak. My oldest son’s mom was quite the opposite in not really wanting to be a mom. It must be weird to love your kid, but not really want to be a parent. When we split up, I believe her parents pushed her into taking our son and threatening me with money and lawyers. Which they had and my family never really did. So I took all the bills and would see him every other weekend. 

For those people who denigrate parents who only see their kids every other weekend, I know for me it was painful and wasn’t my choice. Especially when she moved with him to Portland. Yet I would drive halfway and to her benefit, she would meet me to drop him off and pick him back up. 

Honestly, I don’t think she did it so much to be a good mom, as to get the freedom to get drunk. Because as my son told me as an adult, which I hadn't learned till years later, she became an alcoholic after we split up. She was trying hard to be when we were married but I was there, our son was there and we were broke. When we separated I asked her friend about her behavior. One fo them kindly said, "Look, we all partied like her at college. But then we grew up after we graduated. She...can’t."

That affected our kid. But she only had him for 18 months, when she gave him back because she admitted she couldn’t handle it. Anyway, as a parent, it’s scary. You do the best you can. As someone told me back then, and I'm so very grateful for this advice: "As long as you love them and they know it, they’ll forgive you for a lot of your mistakes."

On that note, I’ll bid you adieu…

And leave you with that. It’s noon and time for lunch.

Cheers! Sláinte!