The shortest distance in getting your book known, is still via a good banning by a popular nut case like Pat Robertson.
In fact it might be entertaining to do this in a public way. Maybe by writing a blog article like this:
"My attempts at getting my book banned by Pat Robertson." Yes, it is at first ambiguous. Is the title saying I'm trying to get my book banned by Pat, or is Pat himself writing an article about getting his book banned? And if so, why is he writing it on my blog? Right there we start by sewing confusion.
Then each day, or once a week, write a short update on the attempts. For instance....
Week One: "I have sent Pat a book with a nice note about what my book is about and that I think he would enjoy it." Maybe he'd read it and become outraged and ban it. Hopeful thinking....
Week Two: "I've not heard back from Pat, so I've sent him another book and told him that he's in it. He's not in it of course, but I figured that might make him curious enough to finally read it. And I'm sure he would find something offensive enough to ban my book, if he just read it. Or maybe he will see himself in it and find it not as pompous as he is in reality and thus, call for a good book banning! Wishful thinking....
Week Three: "I still haven't heard from Pat, so this time I send a book to his assistant with a note about how I think they should read this book because it is blasphemous and it names Pat as the anti Christ and therefore should be brought to the attention of the authorities, or banned, or burned, or well, something. Banning would be good though." Too high of expectations....
Week Four: "Still no word from the Pat camp, so I've sent them another book with an old clock that has a nice loud tic tic tic sound to it, along with a note of course, on the outside that says (This is Not a BOMB!)" No comment....
Week Five: "I haven't heard back from the Pat camp as yet, but I did get a nasty call from the police department stating that they weren't too happy about my package and that they had to send a bomb squad out to dispose of it. They admitted that they couldn't arrest or fine me for sending Pat a gift clock however, especially since I had said very clearly that it did not contain a bomb and after all, in the end, they destroyed my nice gift clock to Pat." Expectations lowering....
Week Six: "By this time not only is Pat fully aware of my book, but now the police department is too, and the fire department, as well as the surrounding neighborhood, everyone in Pat's camp and his relations. Okay, now pretty much everyone everywhere knows of my book because of the news reports of the possible bomb threat (which I never did)." Bingo!
Now not only does Pat know about it, but thousands, if not millions of people have by now read the book and several bannings are actually being implemented in my honor.
Thank God for that! But Holy crap, does it really have to be that difficult and time consuming to get a God Damned book banned! If only I had known that it took a simple gift of a clock and note, I would have just taken the short cut!
Now, of course I haven't done this, and I wouldn't do this.
But I think that even if you did this fictitiously it could get a lot of readers. I mean wouldn't you check in on it to see what was going to happened next? I think I would. Why, I bet you would get plenty of suggestions on how to go about getting Pat to read the book, or to ban it. Maybe we could start a movement. If everyone just called Pat up and begged him to ban my book... just maybe....
It could start with just one person on one day. Then maybe two people could call on the second day, and so on.
How was it Arlo put it? In his lyrics below just exchange the title of my book, Death of Heaven, for his song, Alice's Restaurant (a good song and a good movie, about good things):
"And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a
study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm
singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar
situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a
situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into
the shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say "Shrink, You can get
anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.". And walk out. You know, if
one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and
they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,
they may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them.
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an
organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said
fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and
walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement.
And that's what it is , the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and
all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the
With much thanks Arlo Guthrie. And many thanks as always to Marvin Hayes for this idea....