Does Having A Child Change You, Asked Boyd Crowder

Just watching the last season of Justified and something was said, that got me thinkin'.

Character Boyd Crowder asked US Deputy Marshall Raylan Givens:

"Does having a child change you?"

Raylan took a moment to think about it.

And so did I. I paused the show. It got me to thinking back.

Back to about a year and a half after my son was born. I was driving down the street, alone. I can remember it like it was yesterday. So I must have thought about it many times since then. Plus, I can see myself driving in this memory, so it's not an original memory.


I was thinking: if I have a kid now (I did) and considering some of the ill feelings I have about having been a kid myself, perhaps I should consider knocking off the wild stuff in my life? Now I hadn't done any wild stuff for a while since before he was born anyway. But the future was unfolding as I thought about it and I knew quite clearly just who I was. And what I might want to do at some point or other. Add some excitement to my life. Do something fun, dangerous.

Still, because of my own childhood, I did have an unusually strong consideration of responsibility about things. Most especially, toward children. And more so, toward my own.

Film audition headshot of myself around the time my son was born

So I decided in that very moment, surprising even myself, that my life would have to change where much of my "crazy" was not going to be allowed to be active any longer in my life. Because I felt I should be there.

At least until he grows up and moves out. But even then decades after, when it might be nice for him to have a dad around. My hope? That I die first, before my child. As every parent does. But then, he had my genes. And his mother's. Good grief. She was even wilder than I was, in ways other than I had chosen.

See, I had myself two dads. I grew up with my mother and my step-father. But neither dad figured much in my life. One ignored me as he had remarried and had eleven kids. My stepdad seemed to hate me. My mother said he was jealous of me. Weird. Just, weird. In some ways in my own mind, they did have some relevance in my life. But not in their active, positive and daily influences on me. Not really so much in reality.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is... about that question? "Does having children change you?" That is really a loaded question. At least two issues about it now immediately come to my mind.

Yes, my son, who was an exhausting, but awesome kid

One is that day when you change and take the responsibility, not just for your kid. Which hopefully you did some nine months before they were born. But also for yourself and how YOU fit into THEIR lives.

Now we get into question number two, what people mostly mean about, "Does having a child change you?"

In the daily activity (and misery, and joy) of raising a child, that bonding, that restrictiveness of action and motion, and desire, that downside and then that upside...all eventually come together. Should, come together.

Eventually, you start to see the upside more and try to laugh at or ignore the downsides. You begin to enjoy a laugh, read things into what the kid does, start to play with them on their level. Or manipulate them into having fun and giving you a laugh.

Essentially and unknowingly, programming yourself into what they call, bonding with the child. Something hopefully you have also and already done along with your child's other parent. But they are on their own journey, along with you, and along without you. Childrearing can at times be a very lonely thing.

And so too I realized, that I had indeed finally bonded with our child. I hadn't been ready to be a parent, you see. I wasn't sure I ever wanted to be a parent. Though I knew I wanted to have an offspring some day. But I questioned if I ever should propagate, or endeavor to raise a child. My childhood had been pretty messed up. Did I want to pass that along? Would I?

Now some people do bond quickly, even immediately. Some weirdly, ahead of time. Others? Well, it takes a while. Some never do bond. Or ever take responsibility to change their lifestyle. All when it's really all about the child.

And if you don't get that? Well, puppy dog, YOU (and a friend presumably) brought THEM into this world. Sorry, it IS YOUR responsibility. Your responsibilities.

Just like if the government puts you in jail. You are now their responsibility and the things you can no longer do, they now have the responsibility for, to take care of, and to pay for, YOU.

But for your child? That doesn't mean protecting them to their point of paranoia (or breaking), either. Because you have to let them live, to fail, to become prepared for actual, LIFE. To be able to think their way out of, if not at least a wet paper bag, of any of life's future and traumatic situations they may come upon.

So when someone asks, "Does having a child change you?" The answer is two-fold. At very least. So know that.

Of course, you don't have to answer both parts publically. But you do have to know that both are there to be answered. So do know it. Do know, them. And address it all. Let that full change happen to you. Evolve.

Because really, it may be the most productive thing you can do. For yourself. Certainly for the child. And perhaps one could argue, even more important than either of you, for society at large. As well as for History. Even before it's been made.

So? Does having a child change you?

You're god damned right it does.

Even if you run away, never to see that child again? Yes, even that, just changed you.

Just go the other direction. You'll be glad you did. And so will someone else.

Including all the rest of us.

With my son many years ago...

#BoydCrowder #child, #childrearing, #Children, #dad, #father, #fatherhood, #Justified, #kids, #maturity, #parenthood, #raising,

#Raylan